(no subject)
It's sucks when you have nothing to talk about, and people are there to talk to, but when you really need to talk to somebody, nobody is around. I get on here, and it's the same. I thought maybe somebody would be on.
Some bad feelings came back last night. I tried to talk about them with Amanda, but that really didn't work. I just made things worse. I couldn't sleep worth shit, and just when I would start to fall asleep, I'd get my wicked ass evil heart burn. I didn't want to get up to get tums, or more water, for my own reasons, so It sucked nut butter. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head. They wont leave, they have haunted me my entire life. I think I'm crazy. It does help to know that Amanda understands me, and gets some of my fears. Only two things ever helped me from my thoughts, and paranoia, and Amanda is one of them. But, sometimes things get so bad, that nothing will stop them, or so it seems. Like last night. That's why I read. When I read I don't think about bad things as much. It's like I'm in that world when I read, the world in the book I can control. All I have to do is stop reading. I can't make my head stop thinking shit, I can't make my world better, or stop it from fucking with me, but I can control the book. I use to have that escape by playing guitar, but now, I realize how bad I am at playing, and I so I stop. I try to write poems, or songs, and I think they are okay, then I read Amanda's work, or some Poe, and I realize just how much my shit sucks ass. I wrote this Poem about suicide, and I thought it was the best poem I've ever written, and piratically ever seen altogether, so I post it and one person said anything about it. Amanda still hasn't said anything about it. Then today I'm looking back through Amanda's old journal entries, and I find this post where she made this awesome ass, emotional, loving poem for Nathan, because he wrote a poem about suicide. What the fuck? I know how much she loves his poetry, and it's a lot better than mine, but damn. If I would have known about that, I wouldn't have posted my sucky ass poem. I'm going to stop posting poems for other people, cause other people don't like them.
It's strange to see just how much JoJo hates me. I wonder if she got my last e mail. Sometimes I really wish she'd just talk to me, I'm mean really talk to me. Not hide. I open myself up to her, tall her what I really think about our friendship and it's me that has the problem, because she just wont fucking talk to me back. The times when our friendship was the best, was when we'd talk to each other, and not hold shit back, not when we made shit out to be the others fault. She thinks I don't talk to her, that's just because I'm sick of feeling like I'm to blame for everything, I'm not. Why does that make me a bad person? I don't really know anymore.
My Amanda is going to come down and visit in March. That's going to be sweet. She wants to meet my Mom, and Sister, before I move down there. I want that too. I can't wait. She's gonna get sick of me I tell ya! I'm never gonna let her out of my arms. I love her so much. Someday I hope I can show her just how much I love her. I try to, but I don't think I do a good job of it sometimes. I love her with all my heart.
Here is a poem I wrote. I think it's pretty good, so that means you guys wont like it.
I don't feel this way, I just thought from anothers point of view.
I'll come for you in the darkness of night
Waiting, silent, until you think you're all right
You feel safe, in your cozy little bed
warm and soft, with all your prayers said
One touch, that's all I'll need
One touch, you won't even bleed
I'll take your life
I'll rape your soul
I'll use your fears
To make me whole
Nothing will stop me
Not even your God
Why fight it
I'll never stop
I'm right behind you
But don't look to see
Pretend I don't exist
That's what I want you to think
You read his book
Know you have "faith"
You think you're so strong
I know you're so fake
Don't fight those feelings
Don't bury them inside
Admit your hypocrisy
I'm right by your side
He says he loves you
How much can you believe
King James said all of it
Not the All Mighty
Some bad feelings came back last night. I tried to talk about them with Amanda, but that really didn't work. I just made things worse. I couldn't sleep worth shit, and just when I would start to fall asleep, I'd get my wicked ass evil heart burn. I didn't want to get up to get tums, or more water, for my own reasons, so It sucked nut butter. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head. They wont leave, they have haunted me my entire life. I think I'm crazy. It does help to know that Amanda understands me, and gets some of my fears. Only two things ever helped me from my thoughts, and paranoia, and Amanda is one of them. But, sometimes things get so bad, that nothing will stop them, or so it seems. Like last night. That's why I read. When I read I don't think about bad things as much. It's like I'm in that world when I read, the world in the book I can control. All I have to do is stop reading. I can't make my head stop thinking shit, I can't make my world better, or stop it from fucking with me, but I can control the book. I use to have that escape by playing guitar, but now, I realize how bad I am at playing, and I so I stop. I try to write poems, or songs, and I think they are okay, then I read Amanda's work, or some Poe, and I realize just how much my shit sucks ass. I wrote this Poem about suicide, and I thought it was the best poem I've ever written, and piratically ever seen altogether, so I post it and one person said anything about it. Amanda still hasn't said anything about it. Then today I'm looking back through Amanda's old journal entries, and I find this post where she made this awesome ass, emotional, loving poem for Nathan, because he wrote a poem about suicide. What the fuck? I know how much she loves his poetry, and it's a lot better than mine, but damn. If I would have known about that, I wouldn't have posted my sucky ass poem. I'm going to stop posting poems for other people, cause other people don't like them.
It's strange to see just how much JoJo hates me. I wonder if she got my last e mail. Sometimes I really wish she'd just talk to me, I'm mean really talk to me. Not hide. I open myself up to her, tall her what I really think about our friendship and it's me that has the problem, because she just wont fucking talk to me back. The times when our friendship was the best, was when we'd talk to each other, and not hold shit back, not when we made shit out to be the others fault. She thinks I don't talk to her, that's just because I'm sick of feeling like I'm to blame for everything, I'm not. Why does that make me a bad person? I don't really know anymore.
My Amanda is going to come down and visit in March. That's going to be sweet. She wants to meet my Mom, and Sister, before I move down there. I want that too. I can't wait. She's gonna get sick of me I tell ya! I'm never gonna let her out of my arms. I love her so much. Someday I hope I can show her just how much I love her. I try to, but I don't think I do a good job of it sometimes. I love her with all my heart.
Here is a poem I wrote. I think it's pretty good, so that means you guys wont like it.
I don't feel this way, I just thought from anothers point of view.
I'll come for you in the darkness of night
Waiting, silent, until you think you're all right
You feel safe, in your cozy little bed
warm and soft, with all your prayers said
One touch, that's all I'll need
One touch, you won't even bleed
I'll take your life
I'll rape your soul
I'll use your fears
To make me whole
Nothing will stop me
Not even your God
Why fight it
I'll never stop
I'm right behind you
But don't look to see
Pretend I don't exist
That's what I want you to think
You read his book
Know you have "faith"
You think you're so strong
I know you're so fake
Don't fight those feelings
Don't bury them inside
Admit your hypocrisy
I'm right by your side
He says he loves you
How much can you believe
King James said all of it
Not the All Mighty