(no subject)
I cannot be bothered logging into my other account, so I will just write my ramblings here.. :)
Currently on holidays and enjoying it lots. It is great being around my mum and having the freedom to be relaxed. I am absolutely dreading going home. I don't really want to be back in Sydney. I have a couple of friends - but realisitcally, I need to make more who are parents/urban hippies/on my wavelegth. I just don't feel I fit in anywhere up there. It is ok for Ally - he fits in because of the computer techno part of his life. He has made friends with people he works with, he has people with whom he can let off steam with... I need to find that before I will be happy as a mum up there.
I still have not gotten over Tara's birth and will be seeing a social worker/councellor when I get back. No one seems to understand that I can be traumatised by it - I got Tara and we are healthy, right? yeah, well it does not work that way. With all that shit that I went through with her birth, then with the infection... I feel trapped. I don't like feeling bitter and resentful of mothers who get the birth they want... I hate the thought women elect to caeser their first bub. I hate that mothers can vaginally birth and I can't. I feel physically ill when I hear about mothers whose bubs come the right way the first time. I'm not supposed to feel like this and no amount of "It'll be different next time" is going to make me feel better.
I feel completely helpless a lot of the time and although I am extremely happy, there are moments when a little voice (self doubt) starts yelling at me and telling me just how bad I am. Last night we were in the spa bath at mum's. It was just a bath (no bubbles as the jets are not working) and Ally, Tara and I were in there. I was trying to relax Tara as she had been uncomfortable all day. Anyways, she was relaxed and calm, and I put her on my chest to snuggle, when I must have moved into the bath more and she inhaled water both through the mouth and nose. She started choking big time, and screaming. Worst screams I had heard. Ally had to take her because I went into shock and started crying. Again - I do something wrong with her. I keep failing in simple things - having a bath with her, having her outside and getting her burnt, not having her attached at the boob right, not being able to console her.
I mean, I expressed milk the other day while she was asleep and the moment I finished she woke up and needed a feed. I gave the bottle to Ally as he had her, and I promised weeks ago that he would feed her the first bottle, but I looked at her using that bottle and I started to feel so inadequate. I made some comment and mum made a comment back to me and all of a sudden the tears started... I had to leave the room. I could not bear to see her with a bottle in her mouth - hello - it was EBM!!! but it was like I was failing even the boobie part of mothering. I know this might sound really stupid to some, but to me it is like, I failed the giving birth part, I am destined to fail the important mothering parts. Even I know that sounds stupid, but it is how I feel.
Added to all of that, I feel these are even more arguments for Ally to add to the not wanting to get married to me issues in my head. Yeah Yeah, that thought is there again. I know his reasons for not wanting to get married. Fair enough. but now my stupid head is adding more ridiculous reasons. I know it is all stupid sounding to others, but to me, why would he want to marry someone who cannot even get the parenting thing right? I stuff up too much IMO, and really, why would he want to do the nuptials? What is worse, is I stupidly thought that he might reconsider being married now that Tara is here (not soley because Tara came, but to be a "family"... not that we are not a family.. y'know) I hate that he does not want to marry me. it eats me up. but meh. I gotta learn to deal.
The problem is I am not dealing with a lot of shit. I try to pretend I am with a lot of people, but it is just not possible a lot of the time. I do not have the friend networks that I thought I would in Sydney. I do not feel comfortable there, althought I do with some things. It's just, everything falls into place with me when I am back home. My friends, my family. I know that Ally gets bored and that he hates it a lot of the time... and I know that we can never ever move around here due to his work - but I miss it. The idea of Tara only seeing the family once or twice a year really really sucks. The thought that I cannot just get "nanna" to look after tara while I do something once a week...
I am wallowing. I know.
Maybe things will change when I get back to Sydney. Maybe things will fall into place. I will start doing yoga again, and meet up with the other mums. Maybe the social worker will get my mind on track and I'll stop feeling as though I am falling off the rails. Maybe I will get into a mothers group and feel part of something. Maybe I'll be friends with some of the ladies from prenatal yoga and I'll have people I can talk to about stuff without boring them to tears.
Lots of maybes.
I do not even know what I am going to do/we are going to do... about me and work. ugh.
too many things to think about, no braincells to do it with.