(no subject)
i'm on a role updating this thing!
alright getting to the point. my mind is filled with confusion and question right now. as i was reading all the entries in here from senior year i began to notice that my worries were completely different from what they are now. in high school i just wanted out. graduation day was the best day in my entire four year experience at sacred heart. did i have a terrible experience? no. but the 18 months since SH have been so much more adventurous and memorable. never once did i walk down those halls anticipating that my college problems would be focused on dealing with sex, drugs and rock and roll. i was such a unique kid back then (not to say that i'm not anymore!) that ppl were afraid to get to know me. at the same time i loved being by myself. i didn't have any long term relationships, never had a best friend, and rarely left school on an optimistic note.
now, my problem is not that those issues are still lingering, but its more about whats become of my personality with those features bult-in. if that makes any sense. i always wanted the reputation of being a player or just overly popular. now, i do have a reputation for casual sex, and i am more wellknown than i ever was in high school, but i still dont feel different. and although i love sex, im not gonna go from one relationship to another in search of myself. those ppl that know me know that i want to get married really young and that i'm not into taking advantage of others. i mean ive never cheated on a girl or forced one to do something they didnt wanna do, but i def think i've overstepped the kinda guy i wanna be. wow! i just went way off on a tangent didnt I?!?
there has got to be some person, place, hobby, activity, story, or experience out there that will take me out of this mood and start pursuing myself. but i cant seem to get started. my instincts tell me to stop sleeping around and go drinking on the weekends instead, but then i got the other shoulder saying to do the opposite. its like that angel/devil seutup telling you 2 different things. why cant i do both? or neither? i need to break out of this shell. i need to be more social. i need to open myself up to others and let them know who i really am so that i stop using my anxiety as an excuse to remain independent. i need to be more acknowledging of those who tell me what to do when they mean well. i need to organize my life better. i need to stop being anthony and start being me.
alright getting to the point. my mind is filled with confusion and question right now. as i was reading all the entries in here from senior year i began to notice that my worries were completely different from what they are now. in high school i just wanted out. graduation day was the best day in my entire four year experience at sacred heart. did i have a terrible experience? no. but the 18 months since SH have been so much more adventurous and memorable. never once did i walk down those halls anticipating that my college problems would be focused on dealing with sex, drugs and rock and roll. i was such a unique kid back then (not to say that i'm not anymore!) that ppl were afraid to get to know me. at the same time i loved being by myself. i didn't have any long term relationships, never had a best friend, and rarely left school on an optimistic note.
now, my problem is not that those issues are still lingering, but its more about whats become of my personality with those features bult-in. if that makes any sense. i always wanted the reputation of being a player or just overly popular. now, i do have a reputation for casual sex, and i am more wellknown than i ever was in high school, but i still dont feel different. and although i love sex, im not gonna go from one relationship to another in search of myself. those ppl that know me know that i want to get married really young and that i'm not into taking advantage of others. i mean ive never cheated on a girl or forced one to do something they didnt wanna do, but i def think i've overstepped the kinda guy i wanna be. wow! i just went way off on a tangent didnt I?!?
there has got to be some person, place, hobby, activity, story, or experience out there that will take me out of this mood and start pursuing myself. but i cant seem to get started. my instincts tell me to stop sleeping around and go drinking on the weekends instead, but then i got the other shoulder saying to do the opposite. its like that angel/devil seutup telling you 2 different things. why cant i do both? or neither? i need to break out of this shell. i need to be more social. i need to open myself up to others and let them know who i really am so that i stop using my anxiety as an excuse to remain independent. i need to be more acknowledging of those who tell me what to do when they mean well. i need to organize my life better. i need to stop being anthony and start being me.