Hawaii Five-0 request
Can someone write me a S/D h/c please? Long on the comfort, short on the hurt. I am in need of vicarious comfort (if that makes any sense.) Thanks in advance if you write it. I totally understand if you don't. (I don't have a preference as to which is hurt. Comforting is comforting, ya know?)
All my love as payment.
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His partner made a soft 'hmmm'ing sound as he rubbed a warm hand over Steve's arm. "I was raised Roman Catholic, with a good chunk of Jewish tradition from Grams Blechstein, but I knew people from all sorts of faiths. One of my friends, his folks were hard core Evangelicals, and while a lot of it just didn't work for me, the way he explained salvation through grace really stuck."
"Should have figured it would all come back to Grace for you..." He took the swat to the head as his due and tried to dredge up old Sunday School lessons. "That's the faith versus works thing?"
"Sort of. The way Billy explained it to me, grace is about knowing that you've done evil, knowing that there's no way to do enough good to make that evil not count, but accepting that God is capable of forgiving you anyway. Taking a second chance that you don't deserve, acknowledging that you didn't earn it, but doing your best with it anyway even if it's inevitable that at some point you'll fall short and need that grace again."
Steve tried to wrap his head around it, and around it coming from the hard headed skeptic. "I thought you weren't religious?"
"I'm not, particularly, the way this all applies here isn't about God forgiving me, it's about accepting that even if I'm not ever okay with that incident, I'm still a cop. So I take it as a form of grace that whether or not I deserve it, I'm trusted with the responsibility of a gun and a badge and I need to be out there doing my best even if I may someday fail again."
He thought about things he'd done, ways he'd been taught to rationalize, justify, add it all up to the greater good and how none of it had worked this time. "So it's not okay, but eventually I can be alright to move on?"
"That's what worked for me. You'll need to talk to the department shrink, have a few chats with Chin, Duke, maybe some of your Dad's old partners, ya know? You don't have to do it exactly like me, but you need to find a place between thinking what happened is acceptable and never drawing your weapon again."
Nodding quietly, he looked out at the water again and realized true night had fallen as they spoke. "You wanna order something, I've got cash? I think I'm allowed some beer now, and if you want to crash here we can go to the hospital together in the morning."
Danny gave him a last squeeze on the shoulder before getting up. "Sounds good babe. Any games on the DVR?"
"Think so." Steve knew they'd talk again either late at night or in the car on the way to the hospital, and probably many more times over the course of the investigation and any suspension he faced, but the willingness to let him have this interlude of normality first, not expecting him to angst and grieve 24/7 until he found his balance was a kind of grace in itself. "You know, maybe while I'm thinking about grace it would help to have some Grace too."
Funny how a fist to the bicep could be just as caring as the earlier stroking of the same spot. "Funny man, very cute. But I think we can make some plans this week."
As he ordered some pizza (extra pineapple) he considered not ever being okay with what had happened that morning. But settled on the couch as Danny began his pre-game warm up of insults and anticipated ref failures, he knew that as long as his partner was sticking with him, he could be alright in the end.
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Thank you so much!!! I love this so much I can't even tell you!!
Please post it on your journal and on AO3 so everyone can have this comfort!!!!
Thank you!
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;-)
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