NEW: You Thought Wrong (4/5), 2nd half
Title: YOU THOUGHT WRONG
Rating: T for angst, a character death, and serious Doctor-whump.
Summary: The TARDIS mysteriously dumps 11, Amy, and Rory near Chiswick. Worried about running into Donna, 11 instead runs into someone he thought he'd never see again... and who's furious with him.
Disclaimer: If I owned them, would I have ever felt compelled to write this? Yeah, I didn't think so, either.
Author's Note: All songs referenced are sung by Kelly Clarkson, although there might be one additional one by someone else. Each one seemed appropriate given the tone and topic of each chapter. Title is from another Kelly Clarkson song, although the lyrics weren't right for this story.
Might want tissues while reading this...
This revived fic is dedicated to tardis-mole, with extra Eleven-whumpage as an homage. If you love Eleven, blame this fic on her. My frustration is with RTD and the other writers responsible for the situation that I'm sort-of fixing here, but I'm afraid Eleven has to take the punishment for it. Apologies to Matt Smith, but I have far too much affection for the characters that David Tennant and Catherine Tate played to perfection.
Chapter Note: Well,
bas_math_girl, I finally posted something that LJ won't let me publish in a single post. Good to know...
It's Eleven's turn to have a song showcasing his emotions. The difference here is that the song is highlighting what he thinks he hears in Donna's actions and words... If you like Eleven or River, brace yourselves... because the Doctor has earned every bit of this guilt trip...
However, in writing it, I ran into a little stumbling block called Donna Noble's compassion. Made her words less harsh. And actually paved the way for the last part...
If I managed correctly, there'll be a link at the end of this half to the YouTube showing of the video for the song that inspired this part. If you've never seen it or heard the song, it's worth seeing to understand just how angry the Doctor thinks Donna is with him.
Part 1: Low / Part 2: Because of You / Part 3: If No One Will Listen
PART 4: NEVER AGAIN
From Last Part:
John and Donna continued along, each lost in their own thoughts about the loss that followed the Doctor throughout his life. Sometimes of his own doing...
As they approached the busy street, a few UNIT soldiers apparently recognized them and made all sorts of motions and call-outs. Finally, one stood still and waited for them. They shared a glance. Time to face the music, they both knew.
That one guard said when they approached him, “Mrs. Temple-Noble? Mr. Noble?” When they just nodded, he motioned in the direction where Donna knew her car still was. “This way, if you will.” He didn't wait for their reaction, but started walking. They shared an annoyed glance, but shrugged and followed.
It didn't seem like long before they heard Sylvia and Wilf cry out: “Donna!” And they looked up to see them rushing toward them. John silently accepted the bags Donna was carrying so she could run to meet them. He smiled as the family was reunited. A family, he slowly remembered as he continued walking, that I'm going to be part of...
The Doctor's breath caught when his eyes laid on Donna. He hated how thin and pale she looked, but he could tell - even at this distance - that her eyes were once again alive with confidence as she was filled with ideas to put her brilliant mind to work on. She was free from the curse he'd hated himself for bringing upon her... His feet carried him toward her, with the rest following carefully behind him...
Wilf pulled back first to cup Donna's face. “I'm so glad to see you whole again, sweetheart,” he cried in a mix of joy and sadness. “Wish it were under better circumstances.”
Donna nodded, tears forming again but not falling yet. She turned to face her mother, whose hands were clutching her shoulders. “He made you lie to me,” Donna murmured, managing to keep her frustration down to a bare minimum.
Sylvia lowered her head briefly. “I didn't know what else to do.” Tears spilled down the blond's face. “I know I... didn't say it or show it well. I've never been good at saying what I really mean... but you've always been the most important woman in the universe to me.” That sent the tears falling down Donna's face, and mother and daughter hugged tightly. A peace finally falling over them...
The Doctor nearly cried when he just overheard Sylvia's words. Words she should've told Donna all along. Not, a dark side of him commented, like he had much room to talk; he never outright called her his best friend to her face. You should've done at least that much.
The hug would've lasted longer, except Sylvia noticed the man approaching. As she pulled back, Wilf noticed, too. “So,” he began, awkwardly as this was something he hadn't thought possible, “you're the Duplicate Doctor. And you saved Donna.”
John waved. “Hello. But I'd rather you call me John Noble. It's what I've been going by for several years now. And really, I'd rather not be known as the Duplicate anything. Better than being called a clone, but still: people keep comparing you to someone else, and I'm ready to be recognized as my own person.” He nodded at his better half. “Like Donna has from early on. And she saved us, by the way.”
The Doctor cringed. It sounded like more proof of how badly things had gone between John and Rose. And it stung...
Sylvia stepped toward John, making him freeze. She eyed him carefully. “You came back, at great risk, for Donna.” I can see the restrained adoration in his eyes. Just like I could with the Doctor, even though he was less expressive of it... But I need to know that he'll be loyal no matter what...
John met Sylvia's gaze evenly, despite not feeling easy with her. The Doctor's memories of dealing with mothers of companions were still fresh... “Because I need her.” He hoped the answer conveyed everything that needed to be said; his human side told him that to outright say what he really felt - even though he didn't want to hide from them like the Doctor had - would, under the circumstances, be completely impolitic.
It was more than enough for Sylvia, who could see the devotion and loyalty and passion that the man was holding back out of respect for Shaun's death. So she did something she wouldn't have thought possible before: she hugged him tightly. It threw poor John for a loop; his hands hung by his sides in shock, and his eyes were comically wide. Still, he slowly returned the hug since... Sylvia would be his mum, in a way... Which kind of scared him...
The Doctor tensed, feeling aggravation building. I nearly got attacked by her, but he gets a hug?!
Wilf went up to add to the hug. “Welcome to the family, lad,” he whispered, and Sylvia nodded. It made John and Donna tear a little.
Donna's musings of relief that her family, who she couldn't stay mad at given that they had no say in the matter, had accepted John whole-heartedly were interrupted when an arm draped over her shoulders. “Good to see the Ginger Time Lady be herself again,” Jack drawled with his familiar grin.
She turned her eyes to meet his. “Oh, now you'll hug me?!” Wanna explain the last time, Sunshine...?
I would've hugged you back then, Jack thought, but the Doctor was giving off 'mine' signals that would've drowned out a loudspeaker. But, he knew, the time to have said that was then... “I'm just glad you're not in anymore danger,” he said, honestly. That earned him a hug of thanks that said she was pleased to remember him - and see him.
John gently broke the hug, and let Wilf take some of the bags. Sylvia surprised him by taking the rest, but he mentally shook that off to walk right next to Donna. The Time Agent pulled away with a big grin, but John held up a finger. “Fair warning: try to kiss either of us, and you'll be limping.”
Jack froze. The same fierce protective love that he'd sensed toward Donna in the Doctor was radiating as loudly from this man. Sighing, he shook his head. “Still ruining my fun,” he grumbled before pulling John into a hug anyway - but not trying anything more. He had no interest in gaining first-hand experience with a Donna slap.
John and Donna exchanged a silently groaning glance as he did return the hug. Same old Jack: a complete tart...
“Donna!” Martha rushed up and impulsively hugged the woman who'd nearly been her friend, delighted when she was hugged just as tightly. “So glad you're safe!” They broke their hug, and she asked, “Is it all right if I check you over at some point?”
Donna beamed. “You're probably the only doctor on Earth that I'd trust, Dr. Jones. Or is it Dr. Milligan now?”
Martha's expression twisted. “Um... It's still Dr. Jones. But I am sometimes known as Mrs. Smith.” She tilted her head toward Mickey, not quite wanting to explain things with him around. It was a difficult story that she still needed drinks to describe with any calm.
Fortunately, she was talking to the most compassionate person she'd ever met. “Well,” Donna said with quiet conviction, “Tom's loss and Mickey's gain. And yours.” She let go to give the young man who Rose hadn't treated quite right - even if you didn't love a guy, it was no excuse to just drop him like she had - his own warm hug.
Martha turned to John. Awkwardly, she asked, “Are you okay... John?”
John and the Doctor could both see why she had trouble saying the name. It brought back bad memories of 1913. Another time that a companion hadn't been treated well... John smiled. “I'm getting better every moment. Though I, too, would be pleased to call you my physician.” He hoped it was enough of a bone to throw her - for now. He'd figure out - with Donna's help - how he could make things up to her since the Doctor couldn't. Martha smiled and they shared an impulsive hug, just like when she'd called the Doctor and met Donna in the process.
As Mickey approached to clasp John's hand in a welcome back moment, Donna's Time Lady senses reminded her that someone else was present. She tensed, bracing herself for what wouldn't be pleasant for her to do as she turned around. And her eyes met the Doctor's... and she let out a shocked gasp. It was one thing to have seen a near regeneration, but this...
The Doctor was overwhelmed by relief at finally being looked upon with something like recognition by Donna. He knew it was due to her Time senses, but still... “Donna,” he breathed, profoundly grateful just to see her again without any danger to her.
If I let him hug me, Donna knew, I'm not going to be able to say the things I need to. And John needs to be away from him... She approached with measured steps, and put her hand into her pocket to hold the Sonic John had nicked from him. “God, and to think I once thought you looked like a skinny streak of nothing! You're a kid now!” Her bolshy side was an asset here, and she was determined to use it to her advantage. “At least your last self was actually handsome, once a girl had a chance to get used to his skinny nature.”
Amy opened her mouth, but Rory held up his finger. He shook his head at her, hard, and Amy saw the wisdom in keeping silent. She knew what a ginger's fury could be, after all...
I should've known that'd be the first thing she'd comment on... “It was either die completely or... take my chances. What would you have done?!”
Donna pulled out the Sonic. “Consult with others first before making choices for them. So,” she added, not giving him a chance to speak, “this is the Sonic that'll one day belong to River Song. Really sad thing, you two running into each other from opposite directions. Makes you wonder how much you're trapped by circumstances. I wonder if she ever felt whatever you had was tainted by that knowledge...”
The Doctor stared, stunned that she'd voiced something that he had avoided thinking about... It was an even better that he didn't notice how Amy and Rory paled at Donna's words...
I hope the ring you gave to her
Turns her finger green
“She knew who I was once she heard my first name,” Donna mused tensely. “Given how hard it can be to get you to talk about your past companions, that tells me that my memory has haunted you. Have you ever thought about what the knowledge that a bloke's ex is on his mind does to a girlfriend's sanity?”
Memories of how he'd treated Martha flashed before him, and he paled. Especially since Rose's behavior toward John made it clear that she wasn't what he'd made her out to be in his mind...
I hope when you're in bed with her
You think of me
He cleared his throat. “Donna-”
She held up a hand. “Do you really think that some apology will fix things? That I could let go so easily of what your actions have caused?” She let some of the anger bubble up, to mask her hurt. “I never wished for bad things to happen to you, but how can you expect me to be happy to see you again? Especially since I'm a widow for real?! Your words are like vapors right now, Sunshine!”
The Doctor nearly cried. Had he mucked up so much that he couldn't make it up to her...?!
I would never wish bad things
But I don't wish you well
Could you tell
By the flames that burned your words?
Everyone - including nearby UNIT soldiers and officers - went silent. This showdown promised to be epic... Even the Doctor's former companions eyes' were trying to go into orbit.
Donna held her hand up higher, pointing it at him. “I don't want to hear an apology, Spaceman. I can predict every word that might come out of your mouth, even if you are a different person now. So don't even bother with something my old Sunday school teacher wouldn't have bought from me back then. It's not worth being said.”
Now the Doctor couldn't talk if he wanted to. He felt like he was observing the Oncoming Storm... Except this was better described as the build-up of the Raging Inferno...
I never read your letter
'Cause I knew what you'd say
Give me that Sunday school answer
Try and make it all okay
Donna started walking in a circle around the Doctor, needing to move and not daring to let her hands anywhere near him. If she actually slapped him, the contact would let her feel his own pain, and she didn't trust herself to not cave a bit - and she knew she couldn't... “After all the pain you suffered from the Time War, all those feelings of being an outcast, I can't see how you could think it was okay to send away someone who was family. I bet you wouldn't have done it if you'd realized just how easily you could've avoided feeling like my memory was haunting you all the time... John and I would never have let you do what you did on Mars.”
He couldn't take his eyes off her, and his body slowly turned so he could keep meeting those flashing eyes. Eyes that once looked upon him with infinite compassion and understanding... And those last words re-enforced things he'd sensed even then...
Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
Donna fixed a steely glare when her heart squirmed over the abject horror in his eyes. Can't back off now; I'm needed here. “You've got no right to think that words are all it'll take. Not when the whole thing is your fault. I was so overwhelmed by having your mind in mine that I didn't have a clue what you might do until it was all too late.”
Which he and John both knew was the absolute truth... Except John had had more time to accept it, and had forgiven Donna for her unwitting part in the whole mess - but not the Doctor...
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
“I don't want to know when you knew what you thought you had to do,” Donna continued sharply. “Oi, don't you claim you were lost then!”
You knew
Exactly what you would do
Don't say
You simply lost your way
The Doctor tried to retort, but Donna - as always - was too quick when he was about to pull one out of his arse. “You had us all right there! All you had to do was ask for ideas, and you didn't! Save your denials for a companion young and naïve enough to buy them!”
Amy once again wanted to speak, but the sight of the nearly speechless raggedy Doctor was enough to hold her tongue. She just clutched Rory's hand out of a bit of frustration; she knew - for the first time - that she fell into that category despite all the growing up she'd done since knowing her former imaginary friend...
She may believe you
But I never will
Never again
The Doctor found his voice. “Why do you have to say all this...?”
Donna saw a hint of her clueless Outer Space Dunce in that almost whimpered question, and it tugged at her heart. But... Can't give in... “I want to know whether your friend... the Professor...” She knew he knew that she knew why he'd known he had to trust River, and that whole thing bothered her. A lot. For his sake... and a bit for Professor Song. “She knew my name. I wonder how much she knows about what you thought about me... What I meant to you... And how much that hurt...” Because I was growing uneasy about hearing of Rose; her coming back seemed like I'd be dropped like a hot stone... “Or if you kept her from finding out...”
If she really knows the truth
She deserves you
A trophy wife, oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
He couldn't answer. He didn't know quite what the answer was. Even though he knew River was partly Time Lord because she'd been conceived on board the TARDIS... There were apparently still so many adventures ahead...
Donna, seeing the clear uncertainty, sighed - though she made sure it sounded like a disdaining snort. “Figures. You said nothing. So she lets you get away with the kind of crap that I never put up with. No wonder you're so messed up, Spaceman. She has no idea of how bad things will get... or how painful your first time meeting her would be for her... That dying alone isn't the worst thing that can happen to someone...”
Amy and Rory gasped. Her hands flew to her mouth, and Rory's to her arms. They didn't want to know what that indicated... because it was too painful to hear that the Doctor knew how their girl would die...
But when your day comes
And he's through with you
And he'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone
Not for the first time, the Doctor thought about how unfair his and River's... whatever word best described them... was to both of them. And to everyone around them... Could it have altered for the better... if I'd been willing to hear alternatives...?
Coming to stand with her back to her family, Donna faced the Doctor with her arms folded in front of her. “You're a bigger bloke than I'd thought... You don't know how to ask for help, you try to act without hearing input... Even after you realized that you'd made mistakes with past companions. How many things should you have told me that you couldn't bring yourself to admit to?! How much sifting through your memories will I have to do to figure out what the bloody hell you were - or weren't - thinking?!”
Jack, Martha, and Mickey exchanged a brief, worried look. They knew that their friend had been repenting his mistakes... and still was... But the damage had been done...
You wrote me in a letter
You couldn't say it right to my face
Well give me that Sunday school answer
Repent yourself away
Donna knew she'd start shaking if she didn't end this quickly. “Well, guess what? You wrote me out of your life when you chose those actions. I can see enough of the time-lines to know that we'll never travel together again. So all you'll have will be those haunting memories and your guilty conscience.”
The Doctor sucked his breath sharply when Donna turned to John. He could faintly hear her call to him through a link... Between just them! John would see her daily... whereas he was out in the cold... With a spaceship that hadn't let go of what he'd done to her favorite of his companions...
Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
John looked at Wilf and Sylvia. “Please take those inside,” he said softly. He knew only the companions he knew could overhear, which was how it should be. “Donna and I will be back later; I need to help her cool off. But you won't mind us being around for the near future...?”
Sylvia understood; she hadn't been able to stay at her home after Geoffrey died. Made sense that Donna wouldn't be able to be in the home she'd shared with Shaun. Especially given everything... She just nodded, as did Wilf.
Then John hurried over to Donna's side. The way she reached for his hand without needing to see it, and grasped it, was a dagger to each of the Doctor's hearts. It re-enforced his fault in the whole matter... And proved that Donna already belonged to someone else...
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
She drew John closer, letting the Doctor know wordlessly that she was part of a matched set. That she had been from the moment John had been created. (Not that she'd known it at that moment...) “I hope you can figure out a way out of this... quagmire you've created for yourself, Doctor. Because you got yourself into it.” With that, she walked toward where today's nightmare had begun - and would've dragged John with her if he hadn't started walking immediately.
You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way
The Doctor started at the sudden movement, and it drew his feet into motion. As clear as Donna's being out of his reach was, he couldn't let her go like this! He needed her to believe him!
Except his voice, as the military would say, had gone AWOL...
They may believe you
But I never will
Never again
John had to fight to keep tension from building as they approached the sheet covering Shaun Temple. He knew that Donna needed to see him one last time... to say goodbye in her own way before they had the public services. The Time Lord in him grasped the necessity of it, too...
When they reached the scene of the events of not too long ago, Donna let go of John's hand to kneel beside her fallen husband. She noted how kind his face had been, remembered how patient he'd been even when she'd kept him at arm's length... “You deserved so much better than I could ever have given you,” she whispered as she touched his forehead, and gently stroked his hair. “Please be at peace now...” And she re-covered his face, staying still for a long moment.
The Doctor stopped when she did, and it hurt to see how much she was hurting. Hurting for letting a life get caught in her mess, for not trusting herself... The darkest part of him knew why she wasn't keen to be around him... and it was so hard to not listen to...
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never
When John's human side felt that enough time had passed, and when he sensed that the Time Lord's patience was about to run out again (big surprise, a part of him that was both the Doctor and Donna snorted), he knelt slightly to touch Donna's shoulders. We'd better go, he told her.
Donna nodded, and slowly stood. To one of the investigators, she asked, “Where are the keys to my car?” One of them, she didn't quite see which one, produced them - in an evidence bag. John did her the kindness of ripping the bag open and handing them over. She was glad that he wasn't arguing with her need to be in control for the moment. “Thank you,” she said to all of them. “I'll be making the arrangements,” she added in a whisper as she grabbed John's hand again and walked away with as much dignity as she could muster. So glad I have you, she thought to John, who followed without complaint.
The Doctor could hear it, and that made the daggers he felt earlier twist and maneuver. His hands trembled wildly as he could feel the strength of the pair bond that had already been established. No doubt by whatever happened to save them both...
Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never
The Doctor could see himself stuck right back where he was in the last months as his Tenth self. Filled to the brim with pain... Cringing every time he saw a ginger, or thought he'd had a glimpse of Donna's face through something in the TARDIS reminding him of those precious times...
Does it hurt
To know I'll never be there?
Bet it sucks
To see my face everywhere
Donna went around to where she had been helped out earlier, forcing those memories to the back of her mind. She would let more tears out when she and John were safely alone in... her flat. She didn't let herself think about what she'd do with it. She focused on opening the door so John could get in.
And he wasn't about to argue. Even if this brought back unpleasant memories of the Sontaran invasion. He would do whatever Donna needed of him, regardless of what she might think she needed, but it wasn't yet time to challenge her. Here they needed to show a united front. If driving helped restore her sense of being in charge of her life, then he'd accept being along for the ride. And remember to breathe.
The Doctor found his voice and his ability to move again when John closed the passenger door - lifting himself to adjust the seat to accommodate his legs - and Donna opened the driver's door. He couldn't let what she'd said be the last words between them! “Donna!”
It was you
Who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
She sighed at the sound. Putting one hand on a hip, she leaned against the frame and froze him with her own death glare. He should certainly remember it well enough from whenever I called him on talking bullocks at inopportune times! “When John and I come back here tonight,” she said, keeping every word measured and controlled, “I expect you to be gone. We need time to heal.”
You knew
Exactly what you would do
And don't say
You simply lost your way
The Doctor heard a wish to never see him again. That she'd never believe his words again. His hearts cried that she was just rightfully angry and would eventually forgive him.
It was hard to listen to that tiny voice as Donna got in and closed the door. And didn't look at him as she started the car.
They may believe you
But I never will
And still didn't look at him as UNIT soldiers moved out of her way, and others adjusted the cones keeping traffic off the street. The Doctor watched in shock as Donna slowly drove away...
I never will
Neither Donna nor John looked back. They could feel the Time Lord's pain, but knew they could do nothing to help him. Not yet... Still, he put a hand over her knee for the physical comfort. Who was more comforted, neither could say...
I never will
The Doctor's feet had him following the car in a daze for several seconds. Until Donna passed the last cones and picked up a bit of speed. And he could only watch as she left his life... for good...
Never again
When he slowly turned around to face the others, he didn't notice how every UNIT member was absolutely bewildered. He didn't see Sylvia and Wilf's guarded expressions. He didn't see the pity and empathy in his former companions' faces. He only saw the horror in Amy and Rory's faces. He'd always known that Rory had a more realistic view of him, but Amy... The blinders were gone. She no longer saw him as her raggedy Doctor. But for the foolish, short-sighted creature he truly was...
Final Part: Cry
And here we are:
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