LJ - What Is Love (Yes, it hurts)
Sometimes I honestly feel like I don't know. I know I have VERY strong attractions to people, and even stronger for Specific people, but is it really love? Why can't there be some actual definition?
love = [luhv]
(NOUN)
1. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. Sexual passion or desire.
4. A person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. Used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
Okay, these are all very nice explanations, but it doesn't really describe what all it is. Is that it, really? I do very much have a profoundly tender and passionate affection for someone, a very warm attachment, yes, sexual passion and desire too and they are beloved. There are times I will also refer to them as the word love. That can't be all it is. It doesn't begin to explain what the feeling actually is? What kind of...obligations come with love? As a pup, I felt my love was always unconditional, it was always there even if I'm not gushing with over-joyousness the moment I see them, or if I happen to be very sick (as I have been the past week). I don't think I should ever have this feeling of being 'expected' to love...especially when I know what I feel for the person is love. Maybe I'm not the best at showing it 24/7? Perhaps I am not being shown back the same apart from during the sexual passion? How I long for the days of someone just wanting to sit with me and relax, maybe give me some belly rubs without any expectation or hopes of play. A nice cuddle session. You remember those? Man I love those! They're even better to do during a movie you guys can enjoy.
If I am told I am not being loving, it's a pretty hurtful thing to say to me since even if I may not be showing it at that moment, it doesn't mean my thoughts of affection and adoration have wavered at all. Perhaps I may not be in a sexual mood, that does not mean I do not love you or don't want to be near you....but if it were to upset you, then I'd be pretty hurt that my non-desire for play was enough to make your feelings waver. I thought a relationship was working as a team. I'm not speaking about games either, I mean about life. Doing things together, experiencing things and each other together....sounds like fun. At the same time, I don't feel like there's anything wrong with enjoying a tv program or outing on your own once in a while if yer other doesn't feel like participating.
Maybe I'm weird? Is it okay to NOT be sad because you're away from your significant other a night or two? Should I get stressed out because I'm going to work and I won't see them for the 8-12+ hours I'll be gone? I don't think I'm strange, but I can't expect everyone to think like me, right?
I don't ask for many things, and the things I do ask for....it's already so hard for me to ask for them. I feel like I'm being greedy. So when someone else just expects something all the time or every day, it can be a little tiring. I have to admit, some things can be very fun on a routine basis, though there are always different subtle ways of going about how they occur.
*going back to remembering those cuddle days*
So yes....maybe I have a very different idea of what love is than others do? Perhaps I'm doing it wrong? Perhaps I should only allow myself to be friends with others and nothing closer. I'm not saying I don't deserve more, I'm just saying if I cannot give the things that someone else needs, then I shouldn't get more either.
And so the rambling goes on. Fragmented thoughts, sleepy, still very sick despite not showing fully how bad I'm actually feeling.
Still lots I want to say, but have no clue what to say or how to word em. Maybe in a while if I gather my thoughts.
I'm just tired of being blamed and being the bad guy.