Pup Troubles - No Relationships Please...
I know it's been a while since updating this thing. For the most part, I try to avoid it because usually it involves people I know or know me and I'm trying really hard not to write about them. I guess I still can and just avoid names, though they will still know who it is. I guess I can make this private as well, but I don't really see a point in doing that either. Besides, it's nothing they haven't heard.
I'd say I'm in a full-blown depression. And dog it pisses me off so much when someone says something stupidly simple like "buck up". Oh sure, lemme just flip that light switch and everything will be fine! I can easily put on a happy face for people if they want....it's easy to pretend, but when they find out that's what I'm doing, they get all hurt. It's gotten progressively harder to be happy and the people around me, who care for me, are not exactly helping with that either. Locals...their failing relationships, (or some with their new ones), suicidal people, drugs, alcohol, my own health, work...believe it or not, family is in no part a part of my stresses.
There are just so many topics to write about I don't even know where to start or if I'll even get to them. Maybe I'll lose the mood to write about it and that's why I'm rambling, wasting time, deciding if I wanna write about it or not. Hell, I can type fast enough so it's not like this is taking any effort at all.
Well, that helped me think a little. Yeah I do wanna write. Hmm....topic....
Suicidal Tendencies
There are some people I respected very much who I learned were suicidal, alcoholics and at one point or another (or maybe even still?) drug addicts. I have no idea how to handle that. I haven't really dealt with someone close being suicidal before, so all I could do was tell them, I wish they wouldn't, I'm there if they wanna talk, and that's about it. I didn't threaten them, I didn't guilt them...and at that point, I felt helpless to the point where I collapsed in the stairwell at BLFC from an seemingly uncontrollable anxiety attack. Heart rate was over 150, shortness of breath and was on the verge of blacking out. It's possible I was also dehydrated, but drinking water just seemed to make me worse at the time. So yeah...felt pretty helpless, and I'm not used to that feeling. That feeling brought back memories of my suicidal times as a teenager. I was the sort who never told anyone....I accidentally let it slip in school and everyone made a huge deal out of it....but I digress. At that time, I knew nobody externally could really help me out of what I was feeling....I had to want it myself. And luckily I didn't really burden anyone close to me for that. So yeah....I have no idea how to deal with these people anymore. It's sort of to the point I can't even call them a friend anymore, though I'll still toss them a text now and then only to see the same fake/happy face they wear, undoubtedly doing the same habits since they're still seeing the same people. I'm thinking of just letting go all together...though I'll wear a smile for them.... feels wrong, but I think it's better than ignoring them completely.
That didn't really help...
Relationships
ver since Scruff_E_Coyote and I separated, it was both a relief and a burden. Have always and probably always will love him even though I don't foresee myself ever getting back together as boyfriends. He's a wonderful person though and someone will be very lucky to have him. Our futures just didn't really line up, or perhaps I wasn't ready for that kind of committment?
Something I've noticed with relationships is in the 2 (yes, I've only had 2.....some fur, eh?) I've had, both of them brought the idea up of being a couple. First time I was naive, felt in love and that same old story...was very emotionally abusive but whatever. Secondly with Scruff, we sort of saved each other from a deep depression we were both in. It didn't seem to exist when we got together and it was awesome. Maybe not the best way to start a relationship, but we were happy. And though we (like most relationships) had a few troubles along the road, we did go on for 5 years. Most of those times were awesome. The bad times usually were not intentional but couldn't be helped at the time. I have the feeling I was at fault for these and I used the excuse of my previous relationship. Sadly if I learned anything, that wouldn't be an issue at all.
New Relationships
After Scruff, for a while, I feel I don't want a boyfriend. I don't know how long that will last. I still want friends, and heck if we are close enough to be intimate with each other, that'd be awesome too, but I just don't see myself having a boyfriend/mate/whatever right now. Some people are cool about that and we continue being awesome friends, no stresses and good times. Some people disappear when I tell them I don't want to be boyfriends....and that's pretty sad. I considered them a closer friend and didn't think they'd run off like that. Others have found relationships and forgotten I exist. You know how that works....new relationships, they sort of either disappear from the fandom OR are showing them off everywhere but never really communicating. I don't think the Bay Area has this problem very much since most people know each other and know who they are compatible to hang out with. Then there are new friends I make....some are accepting of the idea of me remaining single, but still make that idea known that 'maybe in the future, something is possible.' And I want to say yes....I actually believe it as well, but whether it is or is not with them, I don't know right now. There's been a couple already who I've outright said "No, Never" to...not to be mean, but because they kept on pressuring me. Sort of like "You tell me now if there's any chance or I won't even waste my time being friends." All I can say to that is....."Bye". If you can't be a friend, what makes you think you can be my boyfriend?
So where am I right now? Completely lost. I want a relationship, but I'm refusing to allow myself to have one. I don't feel ready. And the more people pressure me, the longer I feel it will take for me to be ready. I don't want people to wait for me. Honestly the idea of them holding out or considering me for the future is awesome and I'm flattered by it, but I don't want them to miss out on a chance of finding someone they could be very happy with even if that means that takes away any possible future chance with me.
Relationships are.....complicated.
When I think of myself and a happy relationship, honestly the first one that comes to mind is Delph. No....we aren't a couple, we aren't mates or boyfriends or official or anything. We're just awesome friends who sometimes get together and have amazing adventures. Part of me wants to keep him for myself, but he isn't looking for that right now, and when I think about it, neither am I. I am very happy with how we are towards each other and hope it remains that way for as long as possible.
Boyfriends.....do I even want one? Do I want to "belong" to someone? Isn't it enough that I live or spend my time with someone and make them feel special? Give them the attention I would give someone if they were my significant other? I don't understand the concept of a traditional relationship. I mean, I do, and I see some people who are happy with their relationships or have made it work out. (Carol/Sabot Al/Dex) are my best examples of that. Those guys are amazing! Then I've seen some other relationships that I thought would last forever and they didn't....and it was heartbreaking to me. Actually, I think some people thought that way about Scruff and I.
I currently just don't feel I can handle a relationship right now. I have issues that need to be dealt with. Ya see, I'm what you call a hypocrite. I love the idea of an open relationship, though I still have that little twinge of them being with another person. Sometimes it depends on the specific person....maybe I don't mind at all who they're with....it all varies. I know for a fact that I am not capable of being in a traditional monogamous relationship at this point of my life. I've accepted that and because of that will not put on the mask of trying to make it work. I'd likely be a horrible person and break that promise....and I really don't like breaking promises.
I am over analyzing people...these couple locals watch me do it on a nearly daily basis. Some call it foresight, I just see patterns in people's reactions/attitudes/motives, whatever you wanna call it. People don't change even if they say they are or want to. I'm actually happy when I'm wrong about what someone does because that means they're unpredictable and don't follow the norm, or maybe actually trying to change! I guess I'm also being unfair because I guess you can also say what I'm doing is 'pre-judging' them. Am I not giving them the chance to surprise me or do something different or share my happiness? Yes and No. Yes because I have these thoughts and expect (usually disappointments) things to happen. But also No, because I don't always tell them. I guess you can say it's ultimately my own fault since because I see it, I have the ability to help avoid these disappointments before they happen. That kind of makes me feel like I'm in control of their lives though....and most folks who know me know I don't like being in control of things like that.
So I have to ask myself....should I always bring up these times I don't wanna be disappointed? By doing that, I trick myself into thinking it isn't genuine since it isn't something they would NATURALLY do on their own....I had to tell them. It's sort of like teaching a kid right from wrong in a way. I'm not saying I make the right choices either....heck, look at Wisconsin! That was a major downer but it was a life experience I'm happy to have had.
Overall...
I've been unhappy, and I'm hurting the people around me. I am at a loss of what to do. I let folks help me, and I can help them back, but I have my bouts of depression....that's really all I know what to call it. Work has provided a counselor who I have seen, though were of no help. They offered a trial psych, but I declined (because regardless that would go on my permanent file). If I did that, I would have to do that outside of work so they aren't aware.
Ultimately, the folks who help me stay happy are the ones who I regularly talk to and have little to no idea what's going on with me. Those numbers are very small but when they're there, I wag. Nah, they didn't even have to do anything....it just happens.
Heck....writing this isn't helping. Usually when I continually write down my thoughts and stories like this I feel better, but I think maybe I wasn't angry or upset enough. Maybe it's because two people involved are here reading this as I type, though I don't really care since they can read it once it's done anyway. Maybe I'm being rude? Perhaps....I left work early today, stressed to hell. Downed a carton of milk to make my sickness excuse legitimate. Does that count as hurting myself? I guess so, but not to an extreme as cutting and stuff.
But yeah, I'm a mess, eh? Gotta figure out something before I go crazier than I already am....and without dismissing the people in my life if at all possible.
P.S. - Gonna leave this public for those few stalkers who enjoy reading about my life going negatively. It's a source of entertainment and happiness for someone I guess, eh?
I'd say I'm in a full-blown depression. And dog it pisses me off so much when someone says something stupidly simple like "buck up". Oh sure, lemme just flip that light switch and everything will be fine! I can easily put on a happy face for people if they want....it's easy to pretend, but when they find out that's what I'm doing, they get all hurt. It's gotten progressively harder to be happy and the people around me, who care for me, are not exactly helping with that either. Locals...their failing relationships, (or some with their new ones), suicidal people, drugs, alcohol, my own health, work...believe it or not, family is in no part a part of my stresses.
There are just so many topics to write about I don't even know where to start or if I'll even get to them. Maybe I'll lose the mood to write about it and that's why I'm rambling, wasting time, deciding if I wanna write about it or not. Hell, I can type fast enough so it's not like this is taking any effort at all.
Well, that helped me think a little. Yeah I do wanna write. Hmm....topic....
Suicidal Tendencies
There are some people I respected very much who I learned were suicidal, alcoholics and at one point or another (or maybe even still?) drug addicts. I have no idea how to handle that. I haven't really dealt with someone close being suicidal before, so all I could do was tell them, I wish they wouldn't, I'm there if they wanna talk, and that's about it. I didn't threaten them, I didn't guilt them...and at that point, I felt helpless to the point where I collapsed in the stairwell at BLFC from an seemingly uncontrollable anxiety attack. Heart rate was over 150, shortness of breath and was on the verge of blacking out. It's possible I was also dehydrated, but drinking water just seemed to make me worse at the time. So yeah...felt pretty helpless, and I'm not used to that feeling. That feeling brought back memories of my suicidal times as a teenager. I was the sort who never told anyone....I accidentally let it slip in school and everyone made a huge deal out of it....but I digress. At that time, I knew nobody externally could really help me out of what I was feeling....I had to want it myself. And luckily I didn't really burden anyone close to me for that. So yeah....I have no idea how to deal with these people anymore. It's sort of to the point I can't even call them a friend anymore, though I'll still toss them a text now and then only to see the same fake/happy face they wear, undoubtedly doing the same habits since they're still seeing the same people. I'm thinking of just letting go all together...though I'll wear a smile for them.... feels wrong, but I think it's better than ignoring them completely.
That didn't really help...
Relationships
ver since Scruff_E_Coyote and I separated, it was both a relief and a burden. Have always and probably always will love him even though I don't foresee myself ever getting back together as boyfriends. He's a wonderful person though and someone will be very lucky to have him. Our futures just didn't really line up, or perhaps I wasn't ready for that kind of committment?
Something I've noticed with relationships is in the 2 (yes, I've only had 2.....some fur, eh?) I've had, both of them brought the idea up of being a couple. First time I was naive, felt in love and that same old story...was very emotionally abusive but whatever. Secondly with Scruff, we sort of saved each other from a deep depression we were both in. It didn't seem to exist when we got together and it was awesome. Maybe not the best way to start a relationship, but we were happy. And though we (like most relationships) had a few troubles along the road, we did go on for 5 years. Most of those times were awesome. The bad times usually were not intentional but couldn't be helped at the time. I have the feeling I was at fault for these and I used the excuse of my previous relationship. Sadly if I learned anything, that wouldn't be an issue at all.
New Relationships
After Scruff, for a while, I feel I don't want a boyfriend. I don't know how long that will last. I still want friends, and heck if we are close enough to be intimate with each other, that'd be awesome too, but I just don't see myself having a boyfriend/mate/whatever right now. Some people are cool about that and we continue being awesome friends, no stresses and good times. Some people disappear when I tell them I don't want to be boyfriends....and that's pretty sad. I considered them a closer friend and didn't think they'd run off like that. Others have found relationships and forgotten I exist. You know how that works....new relationships, they sort of either disappear from the fandom OR are showing them off everywhere but never really communicating. I don't think the Bay Area has this problem very much since most people know each other and know who they are compatible to hang out with. Then there are new friends I make....some are accepting of the idea of me remaining single, but still make that idea known that 'maybe in the future, something is possible.' And I want to say yes....I actually believe it as well, but whether it is or is not with them, I don't know right now. There's been a couple already who I've outright said "No, Never" to...not to be mean, but because they kept on pressuring me. Sort of like "You tell me now if there's any chance or I won't even waste my time being friends." All I can say to that is....."Bye". If you can't be a friend, what makes you think you can be my boyfriend?
So where am I right now? Completely lost. I want a relationship, but I'm refusing to allow myself to have one. I don't feel ready. And the more people pressure me, the longer I feel it will take for me to be ready. I don't want people to wait for me. Honestly the idea of them holding out or considering me for the future is awesome and I'm flattered by it, but I don't want them to miss out on a chance of finding someone they could be very happy with even if that means that takes away any possible future chance with me.
Relationships are.....complicated.
When I think of myself and a happy relationship, honestly the first one that comes to mind is Delph. No....we aren't a couple, we aren't mates or boyfriends or official or anything. We're just awesome friends who sometimes get together and have amazing adventures. Part of me wants to keep him for myself, but he isn't looking for that right now, and when I think about it, neither am I. I am very happy with how we are towards each other and hope it remains that way for as long as possible.
Boyfriends.....do I even want one? Do I want to "belong" to someone? Isn't it enough that I live or spend my time with someone and make them feel special? Give them the attention I would give someone if they were my significant other? I don't understand the concept of a traditional relationship. I mean, I do, and I see some people who are happy with their relationships or have made it work out. (Carol/Sabot Al/Dex) are my best examples of that. Those guys are amazing! Then I've seen some other relationships that I thought would last forever and they didn't....and it was heartbreaking to me. Actually, I think some people thought that way about Scruff and I.
I currently just don't feel I can handle a relationship right now. I have issues that need to be dealt with. Ya see, I'm what you call a hypocrite. I love the idea of an open relationship, though I still have that little twinge of them being with another person. Sometimes it depends on the specific person....maybe I don't mind at all who they're with....it all varies. I know for a fact that I am not capable of being in a traditional monogamous relationship at this point of my life. I've accepted that and because of that will not put on the mask of trying to make it work. I'd likely be a horrible person and break that promise....and I really don't like breaking promises.
I am over analyzing people...these couple locals watch me do it on a nearly daily basis. Some call it foresight, I just see patterns in people's reactions/attitudes/motives, whatever you wanna call it. People don't change even if they say they are or want to. I'm actually happy when I'm wrong about what someone does because that means they're unpredictable and don't follow the norm, or maybe actually trying to change! I guess I'm also being unfair because I guess you can also say what I'm doing is 'pre-judging' them. Am I not giving them the chance to surprise me or do something different or share my happiness? Yes and No. Yes because I have these thoughts and expect (usually disappointments) things to happen. But also No, because I don't always tell them. I guess you can say it's ultimately my own fault since because I see it, I have the ability to help avoid these disappointments before they happen. That kind of makes me feel like I'm in control of their lives though....and most folks who know me know I don't like being in control of things like that.
So I have to ask myself....should I always bring up these times I don't wanna be disappointed? By doing that, I trick myself into thinking it isn't genuine since it isn't something they would NATURALLY do on their own....I had to tell them. It's sort of like teaching a kid right from wrong in a way. I'm not saying I make the right choices either....heck, look at Wisconsin! That was a major downer but it was a life experience I'm happy to have had.
Overall...
I've been unhappy, and I'm hurting the people around me. I am at a loss of what to do. I let folks help me, and I can help them back, but I have my bouts of depression....that's really all I know what to call it. Work has provided a counselor who I have seen, though were of no help. They offered a trial psych, but I declined (because regardless that would go on my permanent file). If I did that, I would have to do that outside of work so they aren't aware.
Ultimately, the folks who help me stay happy are the ones who I regularly talk to and have little to no idea what's going on with me. Those numbers are very small but when they're there, I wag. Nah, they didn't even have to do anything....it just happens.
Heck....writing this isn't helping. Usually when I continually write down my thoughts and stories like this I feel better, but I think maybe I wasn't angry or upset enough. Maybe it's because two people involved are here reading this as I type, though I don't really care since they can read it once it's done anyway. Maybe I'm being rude? Perhaps....I left work early today, stressed to hell. Downed a carton of milk to make my sickness excuse legitimate. Does that count as hurting myself? I guess so, but not to an extreme as cutting and stuff.
But yeah, I'm a mess, eh? Gotta figure out something before I go crazier than I already am....and without dismissing the people in my life if at all possible.
P.S. - Gonna leave this public for those few stalkers who enjoy reading about my life going negatively. It's a source of entertainment and happiness for someone I guess, eh?