(no subject)

[tjtripp]

All the days are meshed into one, and I don't know where it began.
Some days I lay there awake wondering if I'm even truly awake.
Most days I find myself troubled.

So there we were,
and there it went.
And now I'm always angry.
So you never call.

But here it goes,
and here you come.
And I'm wondering if I even want it.

I've become more interested in drawing bark on a tree,
than actually being amongst the trees themselves.
And I've found it easier to insult you a thousand times in my mind
than raise my voice to you even just once.

I wonder if I will ever grow
back into that person that I was
with those words I used to know
and the feelings I used to feel.

I wonder if I'll ever look at the world like I have.
Even if I believe that the world only looks beautiful in photographs
and words. and even movies.

I wonder if I will ever feel peaceful
and confident
and whole
and happy.

I wonder if I'll ever be grateful of our love.
and his love
and my love.

I wonder if I'll ever be grateful of our lives
and your life
and my life,
and theirs.

Why do I keep my feelings hidden under
all of these layers.
And why do I spend so much of my time
questioning all their prayers

I wonder how I could go to church so many times
and still not believe for the smallest fraction of a second
that even one of the stories they are telling
is close to the truth.

Sometimes I'm glad to be so stubborn.
and sometimes,
like today
and yesterday
and the past few months,
it can somehow manage to push away friends.

But I ought to put those thoughts into a whole other post.