mental health
I'm writing this to let everyone know what's going on with me. This isn't very hard to write, but at least I am writing it.
I've been in very bad mental health since I started this company - probably a lot before that. For a few years I've been actively planning suicide. Before the company I was pretty despondent about my life in general, and it seemed like the only way out - until the company took off and I started giving it a chance. Unfortunately the thoughts always come back. After Folsom Street Fair I got very depressed and became convinced the company is going no where. Add to that my trip to Minnesota and my depression surrounding my daughter's situation and it got pretty unbearable. So I started planning to sail my boat outside the Golden Gate on Thanksgiving, opening up the through hulls, and scuttling her as far out to sea as to be unsurvivable.
The only thing that saved me is the emotional rollercoaster that my November ill health foisted on me. ACTUALLY nearly dying did something to my head. It's still doing shit to my head - literally. I have nerve damage and will have weird problems with pain and numbness for months. I guess it kicked in the survival instinct that I have so little of.
I didn't talk about this. I have a lot of reservations about talking about it. I'm still extremely suicidal. It's fucking up things that are fairly important to me - interactions with people, my job, and my quality of life. I get up and see the most amazing view every day and want to kill myself. Can you imagine any of that? I can't imagine NOT feeling that way. But now it's gotten to a point where I have a moment of clarity and can see without a doubt that I have to talk to someone. So I called my therapist, who was surprisingly answering her phone at 8am today. I'm seeing her on Monday.
I'm writing this to get it all out and survive until Monday. I am hoping this helps.
I've been in very bad mental health since I started this company - probably a lot before that. For a few years I've been actively planning suicide. Before the company I was pretty despondent about my life in general, and it seemed like the only way out - until the company took off and I started giving it a chance. Unfortunately the thoughts always come back. After Folsom Street Fair I got very depressed and became convinced the company is going no where. Add to that my trip to Minnesota and my depression surrounding my daughter's situation and it got pretty unbearable. So I started planning to sail my boat outside the Golden Gate on Thanksgiving, opening up the through hulls, and scuttling her as far out to sea as to be unsurvivable.
The only thing that saved me is the emotional rollercoaster that my November ill health foisted on me. ACTUALLY nearly dying did something to my head. It's still doing shit to my head - literally. I have nerve damage and will have weird problems with pain and numbness for months. I guess it kicked in the survival instinct that I have so little of.
I didn't talk about this. I have a lot of reservations about talking about it. I'm still extremely suicidal. It's fucking up things that are fairly important to me - interactions with people, my job, and my quality of life. I get up and see the most amazing view every day and want to kill myself. Can you imagine any of that? I can't imagine NOT feeling that way. But now it's gotten to a point where I have a moment of clarity and can see without a doubt that I have to talk to someone. So I called my therapist, who was surprisingly answering her phone at 8am today. I'm seeing her on Monday.
I'm writing this to get it all out and survive until Monday. I am hoping this helps.