I am tired of inventing lies.
Often, I will feel embarrassed about doing or feeling things, and in order for me to feel safe, I have to come up with lies that I will tell in the event that I am questioned on it.
So, for instance, going to the mall is a traumatic experience because women's clothing does not appeal to me, and often fits me worse than the men's clothing would (at least with pants. Shirts is a whole nother story - I like men's shirts better, but they do not fit, and that makes me sad for different reasons.) I either wind up looking unhappily in the women's section, or else I shop in the men's section, but have to come up with all of these anxiety-driven story to explain my presence there and interest in the merchandise -- "It's my brother's birthday." "I'm shopping for my boyfriend." "I'm comparing prices." "I have become confused."
Another, and more troubling place where I feel like I have to come up with lies, is in the arena of social touching. I haaaaaate being touched by anyone but the people I want to sleep with. People do not understand this. Kef's family is very, very touchy. I am obviously not. Every time they are about to leave, they say things like "I know you don't really like hugs, but we're huggers, so...." and I feel compelled to endure the hug. Her grandmother takes my dislike of receiving hugs as a sign of my disliking her, which is not my intention. For these cases, I don't have a way out that works.
Gay male acquaintances also hug or touch uninvitedly. Sometimes I will make noise like 'uuuugh, touching!!!'
Recently I have been complaining about people invading my personal space, and I have discussed with several people the fact that I don't like touching, especially from strangers, and even from most people that I know reasonably well. One of the people with whom I discussed this recently was my gay male lab mate. He is middle-aged, and has been offending me personally lately by doing things like making fun of the fact that I don't really identify as a gender, and being a concern troll.
Today, in the class we TA together, he sat down and grazed my right side with a large portion of his body, and said, in snarky tones, "sorry, I know you don't *like* that." I responded, "No, actually, I don't, but you're free to mock me if you'd like." He claimed not to be mocking. I don't believe him, especially.
But it sent me into a long line of "ways of justifying not liking to be touched" -- plausible lies I can tell, which I've gone through a lot in the past. 'I am a victim of sexual assault.' 'I am hyper-sensitive to touch.' 'I am afraid of germs.' 'I have wounds all over my body and you just poked one of them.'
It frustrates me that I can't just *do* what I need to do to feel safe and ok in my own skin. I am so tired of feeling bad about myself because of what I perceive to be societal norms.
So, for instance, going to the mall is a traumatic experience because women's clothing does not appeal to me, and often fits me worse than the men's clothing would (at least with pants. Shirts is a whole nother story - I like men's shirts better, but they do not fit, and that makes me sad for different reasons.) I either wind up looking unhappily in the women's section, or else I shop in the men's section, but have to come up with all of these anxiety-driven story to explain my presence there and interest in the merchandise -- "It's my brother's birthday." "I'm shopping for my boyfriend." "I'm comparing prices." "I have become confused."
Another, and more troubling place where I feel like I have to come up with lies, is in the arena of social touching. I haaaaaate being touched by anyone but the people I want to sleep with. People do not understand this. Kef's family is very, very touchy. I am obviously not. Every time they are about to leave, they say things like "I know you don't really like hugs, but we're huggers, so...." and I feel compelled to endure the hug. Her grandmother takes my dislike of receiving hugs as a sign of my disliking her, which is not my intention. For these cases, I don't have a way out that works.
Gay male acquaintances also hug or touch uninvitedly. Sometimes I will make noise like 'uuuugh, touching!!!'
Recently I have been complaining about people invading my personal space, and I have discussed with several people the fact that I don't like touching, especially from strangers, and even from most people that I know reasonably well. One of the people with whom I discussed this recently was my gay male lab mate. He is middle-aged, and has been offending me personally lately by doing things like making fun of the fact that I don't really identify as a gender, and being a concern troll.
Today, in the class we TA together, he sat down and grazed my right side with a large portion of his body, and said, in snarky tones, "sorry, I know you don't *like* that." I responded, "No, actually, I don't, but you're free to mock me if you'd like." He claimed not to be mocking. I don't believe him, especially.
But it sent me into a long line of "ways of justifying not liking to be touched" -- plausible lies I can tell, which I've gone through a lot in the past. 'I am a victim of sexual assault.' 'I am hyper-sensitive to touch.' 'I am afraid of germs.' 'I have wounds all over my body and you just poked one of them.'
It frustrates me that I can't just *do* what I need to do to feel safe and ok in my own skin. I am so tired of feeling bad about myself because of what I perceive to be societal norms.