Death
I hit a new new low today. Some things were said to me.. and I kinda went nuts.. I dont wanna get all into it. My mental state is bad right now. All I am thinking in my head is about death. What would happen if I just..... died? I feel so rejected lately. So worthless.. I have no friends but one. The rest slowly are stabbing me or have. Or are about to. I have been craving attention from anyone that will give it to me. Even if its a hi.. and a smile.. I talk to anyone that will listen. I feel so worthless. Im at the point were its beyond depression. Its were I dont wanna do anything but stab myself over and over until I cant feel anything until its all black. Im alone to much.. no one calls me, no one writes.. once in a while an email but mostly forwards. When people do call its, "hi. how are you? miss you.. ok well thats cool gtg people are coming over/ Im going out/Im busy now with things." I always said I really dont wanna die. But I dont know what I AM living for?? Lately seems like so my cats have a warm thing to sleep on and so my boss doesnt have to open the store. I stand at work numb to the world. Staring at stupid customers. Having no one to vent to anymore. No support. No Love...I cry more then anything and little things trigger it. A song. Certain people. Things in my room. Movies. * sighs* ALMOST anything. I smile and I laugh but nothing is genuine. Its all a mask that I have on. I wanted to move out.. and get on my own. But I know I would really kill myself then... No one to try to "save me" when I do it. No 911.. No one for a few days that is. Until rents due. All the movies I see are love mushy shit that you know will never happen you cant find Mister RIGHT there is no man... its actually a women just very manly one.. well thats all I have to write about that... Time to go back in my room cry myself to sleep and dream about my boy as if he were still fully with me. And hope I dont get out of the la la land and die with a smile for once on my face... night all