Letter to Myself
To you:
I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been suffering from depression. It’s something that began to develop a year or so ago, as work continued to crush my spirits and ambitions. In the past, pre-covid, I’d always be traveling, hanging out with friends, and other fun activities that would help balance the negativity that was created by my old boss and the pressures that were placed on me at my job.
Compound that with the fact that I am also OCD and tend to analyze every potential outcome for choices and interactions trying to prepare myself for what's to come. So with the on slot of negativity, most of the paths I started to see began going down a dark roads. Without the positive balance that the vacations and friends provided, I found myself tracking down a path that had me more and more focused on my own faults, the negative impacts of my decisions, my flaws, etc.
As the year progressed, there were two significant but separate notable instances that only helped to further these feelings. At this point, I started shutting out people. One thing is for sure. I don’t want people to feel this, and at the time I didn’t want people to be brought down due to me. So instead I took a step back, which likely alienated some friends. Was this the right choice? Definitely not. Shortly after, I lost my baby Lexi. At that point I began to spin out of control and my health started to nose dive. I won’t go into detail but suffice it to say if my family and a few friends didn’t realize what was going on, helped me to confront it, and stayed by to ensure I didn't immediately slip back into it, I dunno where I’d be today.
I am forever grateful to those who have been helping me come out of that dark place. I’ve got some work to do to keep improving, and to make up for the negative impacts a year plus of depression did to my body and my mind. BUT I am trying to move forward. I want to focus on positives, let go of the negatives.
Work has already improved as new leadership has stepped in, and as I continue to find my place in the new structure, I am learning to let go and let things come as they may.
I am glad I wrote this out. It does help. And as I continue to strive to improve myself, I ask that you have patience with me. Don’t assume the negative, and always aim for the positive choices.
And with that, I’ll leave you with a song that really has vibe with me as I’m trying to move forward Stop Thinking - by Seven Lions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pChX72etkpA It really feels appropriate.
Anyways thank you for listening, and hopefully you have a great rest of your week,
Stay Positive!
From Me.