RP: Better Together
Title: Better Together
Pairing: Miguel Alvarez/Ryan O'Reily
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Wish #05 - What if Ryan joins the dog training program?
and "All of us are better when we are loved." (Quote from Alistair MacLeod, No Great Mischief)
Disclaimer: Oz characters are the property of Levinson / Fontana Company and HBO. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Everyone, even a convicts and addicts, need love.
Notes: My Dear Recipient, I could simply not use both prompts. Dogs are such a big part of No Great Mischief that it just felt natural that the two should go together. My Dear Recipient, I hope you enjoy the result. Merry Christmas!
It takes months before they get back. No one really believed it, but Ryan said from the start that they would return. At first, they thought he was crazy and then, they assumed that he had plotted it that way. He isn't that powerful, but he'll take the credit, although the reality is that Murphy relocated with them and he shared information about the cleanup's progress.
When they finally get back, right before the Christmas holidays, the administration seems to be go out of its way to make things better for the inmates. It's not that they care, although McManus probably does, but the spill has put the spotlight on the jail and people are watching. The ACLU is ready to sue, the NAACP is ready to join in, and too many other not-for-profits are ready to raise hell. It's gotten so big that even the inmates know about it, because they saw it on the news.
The food has gotten slightly better, isolation has become a dirty word, and visitations are a little easier, but in the end, it's still a jail. You eat when and what they tell you, you sleep when lights go out, and you don't go anywhere you aren't allowed. Ryan hates the last part. He likes to be able to roam through the prison, because it gives him a sense of freedom. It's the only reason he volunteered for the dog training program. Today, he finds himself with Alvarez and two other fuckers in the cafeteria, trying to train a dog.
"They never learn," he says under his breath.
"Fuck you; the dogs learn just fine." Alvarez doesn't miss a beat, which is nicely familiar. The man has cleaned up since Torquemada's 'accidental' death. The faggot rolled down five flights of stairs; the culprit has never been found, but Ryan might have said one or two things that put the plan in motion. Ryan figures that he is responsible for Alvarez's improvement.
"You're not my type," he says with a grin, but doesn't correct Alvarez' assumption. He wasn't talking about the dogs, but the administration.
"Your type ain't going to here to suck your cock for Christmas."
Alvarez is very right about that. Even with the new rules, Ryan doesn't expect any visits. Everyone he knew before coming here is either dead or cut ties with him. He's alone. Sure, his father is still stuck here and his mother works here, but that's not the same as a warm mouth around his cock.
A push wakes him up from his daydream. He almost goes off on Alvarez, but then he hears Jenny, the new instructor, tell them to take a few minutes with their dog. He sits on the floor and plays with Duke. He's a German Shepherd, who's smarter than most of the cocksuckers in Oz. Alvarez has a Labrador called Honey. Her coat is the color of honey and she's the sweetest thing Ryan has ever seen. Honey and Duke love to play together during their breaks, which gives Ryan and Alvarez an excuse to talk.
"You're the laziest trainer I've ever seen," Alvarez says.
Ryan looks up from his spot on the floor. "Yeah? And how many trainers have you met?"
"Two. Jenny is the second. I don't count the other cabrones that are here." Alvarez looks around at the other two guys in the cafeteria, a homeboy and a biker, with disgust in his voice.
"You just called me cabron," Ryan points out, even though he knows that Alvarez wasn't talking about him. He's not stupid enough to piss Ryan off.
"Don't be stupid, hermano, but you're no trainer either." Alvarez grins, like this is funny, and Ryan supposes that it is. They are back home, getting close to the holidays and they are both playing with dogs. Out there, it'd be nothing. In Oz, it's a change and change is always a good thing.
McManus must agree, because when they make their way back at the end of their session, Em City is in full swing. People with their belongings are moving everywhere. Ryan gets closer to Murphy. "What the fuck is going on?"
"It's moving day. We're trying something new, something in the name of cooperation." Murphy doesn't seem convinced.
Pancamo passes by with his clothes in his hands. "Dickhead put me with one of the bikers."
"Are you shitting me?" Alvarez looks at Murphy. "Does he want everyone dead?"
Murphy shrugs. "It's a little experiment. Until the new year, and then we re-evaluate."
Ryan smiles and winks at Pancamo. This won't last until then. They'll make sure of that. After all, this might solve the drug problem for a while, but the infirmary will be working overtime. "So who am I rooming with?"
Murphy points to Alvarez. "You're both in your pod. One of the other inmates already moved Alvarez' stuff." He looked to the two. "You two behave."
"Don't I always?" Ryan says as he spreads his arms and start to walk to his room.
The new accommodations are meant to creates new friendships and less business ties. The new accommodations end up creating many enemies and more business ties. In less than three days, there are six fights, eleven people in the infirmary with different levels of injuries, and one dead. On the fourth, everyone goes back to their original pod, except for two people.
"Should we say anything?" Alvarez asks, as the doors close for the night.
Ryan shrugs. "Do you want to go back with Hernandez? That guy will end up dead in less than a week. I don't even know why McManus got him in here."
"Em City needs new blood with all the people that either died or got transferred, but you have a point." Alvarez is by the door, hand on his stomach as he takes in the new arrangements. "I got another fifteen years while I was at Attica."
"We're sharing now?" Ryan knows that friendships can be dangerous in this place, but he likes danger and he is stuck here forever, so he might as well create some connections. He gets up and stands next to Alvarez, hand on the glass. He doesn't ask if Alvarez deserves those fifteen years, since it doesn't matter. Also they were both in Attica, and Ryan knows that Alvarez was defending himself. "Any parole?"
Alvarez shakes his head. "I'm ever leaving this place."
"Neither am I," Ryan answers. He certainly won't give Alvarez the usual bullshit about getting better, becoming valued members of society while being in here. It's all crap and they both know it.
"I guess we might as well share a pod until we die." He turns his head to look at Ryan. "We ain't getting out."
"I know, but it could we worse. We could be stuck with one of the Bikers. Dumb fucks would bore us to death." Ryan sees the little smile on Alvarez's face and takes it as a win. "Come on, I got cards. We can play."
"I'm not betting against you," Alvarez says.
Smart. Ryan never plays to lose and even when he loses, he wins. "How about the one who loses has to clean up after Duke and Honey?"
Alvarez raises his eyebrows. "Those dogs never have accidents."
"But they could."
"And if they do, the loser cleans up?" It sounds very much like a question and Ryan can see that Alvarez is trying to find the catch, even though there is none. "Fine," he finally says, and they end up playing until lights out. When they are done, no one knows who won.
The next few days pass by in absolutely boredom. Spending time with the dogs is the highlight of their day. Duke and Honey must know that they won't see each to other for a while, because they are extra affectionate. "How the fuck do they know they aren't coming back until the new year?" he asks, mostly to himself.
Alvarez snorts. "They don't. They can feel that we'll miss them, that's all. Dogs pick up on our emotions."
"I don't have emotions," Ryan says.
This time Alvarez laughs. "O'Reily, if you didn't have emotions, you wouldn't be stuck in here with the rest of us."
Alvarez has a point. Every time Ryan fucks up, it's the result of some emotion. He'd like to think it's love, but Sister Pete keeps talking about lust, obsession, even misplaced anger. He tells her that she's full of shit, but he knows that she's right. "I can control them better."
Alvarez smiles and nods. "Sure, hermano."
He doesn't sound like he's fucking with Ryan, so Ryan lets it go. Proof that that he can indeed control his emotions. He's proven wrong at the end of the session, when Duke is ready to leave. Ryan can feel himself choking at the idea of being without the dogs for almost two weeks. There's a sting in his eyes, but he pretends that it's fine. Alvarez claps his back. "Come on, time for you to start cooking. I hear we have pudding tonight. You'd better save me some."
Ryan is grateful for the distraction. "You've got lousy informants. It's brownies, and I've already stashed a few for lights out." He winks at Alvarez and goes to the kitchen. He doesn't know what the fuck it's happening with him and Alvarez. They talk, they help each other and they don't ask anything in return. The only time he had something like that, it was with Cyril. Is this what friends are? He'll have to ask Pete.
The question stays at the back of his mind, but he doesn't get the chance to ask Pete. Instead, he asks his mother. They are in the cafeteria again and she's getting ready for the Christmas show. Ryan sits at the edge of the stage. "It's weird, right? Me and Alvarez? We aren't even doing business together."
Suzanne smiles at Ryan. "You don't have to be in business with someone to be his friend. In fact, it's probably better than you aren't in business with your friends. And you know, if this becomes more-"
"I'm not a fag, Ma," Ryan says.
"I know, but you will be in this place forever. If you find companionship or love with someone, it doesn't have to be sexual, you can be happier." She goes to the corner of the stage. "I'll be back tomorrow for Mass and I'll bring your presents, but I wanted to give you this today. It'll help you spend the time on Christmas Eve."
Ryan doesn't know how a book can make things better, but he doesn't say it. He hugs his mother, thanks her and sticks around until the guards tell him to leave. He starts reading while in the kitchen. It's not hard to microwave shit after all. He also reads through dinner and it distracts him from the terrible food. He keeps reading in his pod.
"What the hell is so fascinating with that book?" Alvarez asks as he steps inside. "You haven't put it down all evening."
Ryan sits up, resting against the wall. He's almost done with the book and it knows that it won't end well, so he's ready to slow down. "Ma gave me the book. It's about some Scottish family moving to Canada. It's all about the family through the years, even the dogs are included." H liked that part.
"Dogs are around more than family," Alvarez answers. "Never seen much of my dad until I got here. Same with my uncles."
Ryan supposes that it's true for most people in here. "It's the same in the book. Lots of violence, people in jail, addicts. The grandmother says that we're all better when we're loved, even if we're not good. What the fuck does that say about us?"
Alvarez jumps up on the top bunk, showing how friendly they have gotten. No one else would dare. "What do you mean?"
"We're stuck here, right? People who love us are out there. I mean we have our fathers in here, but they could be moved at any times. Our Mas come around as much as they can, but everyone else has disappeared the longer we're here. Once our mothers can't come, then what?" Ryan asks, and wonders how the fuck her mother could have a book about love ready to hand to him right after that discussion. "Is this why the Italians are so sure of themselves?"
Alvarez snorts. "We've had some pretty fucked up Italians here."
"Yeah, but mostly, they are fine. They do their thing, they do their time, but they know that they have their families to take care of them. Both families." The mafia had its own way to take care of its guys. "You don't see them looking for… companionship. Ma says that we should look for that in here." He can see that Alvarez doesn't buy it.
"That ain't about love, but power. Most of those people who take stags only want to prove a point. Then you have Stabler and Beecher. Those two were locos. Beecher is much better now." Alvarez smiles a little. "But it's a nice idea, companionship. I thought with Torquemada, but-"
"You were high as a kite and your companions were the tits, not him," Ryan says. He knows, because he'd watched from afar while Attica, before that unfortunate slip that sent Torquemada rolling down the stairs.
"I guess so, and he wanted power as much as everyone else, just in a different way." Alvareez's head lulls back. "So what you're saying is that we're fucked. Because if we're better with love, we don't have a chance in hell in this place."
Ryan keeps his eyes on Alvarez. He might have a silver tongue, but sometimes less is better if you don't want to expose yourself. "Maybe we can find our own type of love."
Alvarez frowns, but he finally understands and shakes his head. "You don't take it up the ass, remember?"
"I remember," Ryan answers, amused. "I wasn't suggesting that. I thought- We can be… something."
"Yeah? Until you'll wake up from whatever the fuck is going on, maybe the holiday spirit or some shit, and you'll find a way to have me killed," Alvarez says.
Ryan smirks. "So… your objection isn't that we could be… companions, but that I'd kill you."
"I got priorities, hermano. Staying alive comes first."
Ryan supposes that it makes sense. Alvarez goes through periods when he invites death, but then he sobers up and remembers that if you die, there's nothing. "I don't want you dead. I want-"
"You don't fucking know what you want," Alvarez says with brutal honesty. "We're the same, surviving when everyone around us dies, and yeah, we could have been friends out there, but we're in here."
"And we've managed to be friends in here. We help each other even when there's no reason to. We talk like real people, not always starting a pissing contest. Fuck, even our dogs like each other." Ryan has to admit that despite all of that, he doesn't know what he wants, not really. "I know I don't want to be alone in here. I know that once Ma goes home, there's got to be more than selling tits and doing business." He nods to the book. "I want to be better because I'm loved." He puts a hand over Alvarez's, who watches him warily; Ryan can't blame him. "I think we can do that for each other."
"Have you thought about the specifics?" Alvarez asks.
Ryan wishes that Alvarez would stop throwing reality back at him, but that had been the problem with Gloria. It'd been a fantasy, and maybe it's time to change. "No, not really."
"Because you don't take it up the ass," Alvarez finishes. There's a moment of silence and then Alvarez takes a deep breath. "I'd like that, you know? The being better part, not so much the being shanked when things go south. So tell you what, let's starts with friends, yeah? If after the holidays, you still want more, then we talk."
Ryan grins. "We can do that." He can wait; he is a patient man when he wants to be, and he knows that this thing with Alvarez will work out. They'll be better together.
Pairing: Miguel Alvarez/Ryan O'Reily
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Wish #05 - What if Ryan joins the dog training program?
and "All of us are better when we are loved." (Quote from Alistair MacLeod, No Great Mischief)
Disclaimer: Oz characters are the property of Levinson / Fontana Company and HBO. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Everyone, even a convicts and addicts, need love.
Notes: My Dear Recipient, I could simply not use both prompts. Dogs are such a big part of No Great Mischief that it just felt natural that the two should go together. My Dear Recipient, I hope you enjoy the result. Merry Christmas!
It takes months before they get back. No one really believed it, but Ryan said from the start that they would return. At first, they thought he was crazy and then, they assumed that he had plotted it that way. He isn't that powerful, but he'll take the credit, although the reality is that Murphy relocated with them and he shared information about the cleanup's progress.
When they finally get back, right before the Christmas holidays, the administration seems to be go out of its way to make things better for the inmates. It's not that they care, although McManus probably does, but the spill has put the spotlight on the jail and people are watching. The ACLU is ready to sue, the NAACP is ready to join in, and too many other not-for-profits are ready to raise hell. It's gotten so big that even the inmates know about it, because they saw it on the news.
The food has gotten slightly better, isolation has become a dirty word, and visitations are a little easier, but in the end, it's still a jail. You eat when and what they tell you, you sleep when lights go out, and you don't go anywhere you aren't allowed. Ryan hates the last part. He likes to be able to roam through the prison, because it gives him a sense of freedom. It's the only reason he volunteered for the dog training program. Today, he finds himself with Alvarez and two other fuckers in the cafeteria, trying to train a dog.
"They never learn," he says under his breath.
"Fuck you; the dogs learn just fine." Alvarez doesn't miss a beat, which is nicely familiar. The man has cleaned up since Torquemada's 'accidental' death. The faggot rolled down five flights of stairs; the culprit has never been found, but Ryan might have said one or two things that put the plan in motion. Ryan figures that he is responsible for Alvarez's improvement.
"You're not my type," he says with a grin, but doesn't correct Alvarez' assumption. He wasn't talking about the dogs, but the administration.
"Your type ain't going to here to suck your cock for Christmas."
Alvarez is very right about that. Even with the new rules, Ryan doesn't expect any visits. Everyone he knew before coming here is either dead or cut ties with him. He's alone. Sure, his father is still stuck here and his mother works here, but that's not the same as a warm mouth around his cock.
A push wakes him up from his daydream. He almost goes off on Alvarez, but then he hears Jenny, the new instructor, tell them to take a few minutes with their dog. He sits on the floor and plays with Duke. He's a German Shepherd, who's smarter than most of the cocksuckers in Oz. Alvarez has a Labrador called Honey. Her coat is the color of honey and she's the sweetest thing Ryan has ever seen. Honey and Duke love to play together during their breaks, which gives Ryan and Alvarez an excuse to talk.
"You're the laziest trainer I've ever seen," Alvarez says.
Ryan looks up from his spot on the floor. "Yeah? And how many trainers have you met?"
"Two. Jenny is the second. I don't count the other cabrones that are here." Alvarez looks around at the other two guys in the cafeteria, a homeboy and a biker, with disgust in his voice.
"You just called me cabron," Ryan points out, even though he knows that Alvarez wasn't talking about him. He's not stupid enough to piss Ryan off.
"Don't be stupid, hermano, but you're no trainer either." Alvarez grins, like this is funny, and Ryan supposes that it is. They are back home, getting close to the holidays and they are both playing with dogs. Out there, it'd be nothing. In Oz, it's a change and change is always a good thing.
McManus must agree, because when they make their way back at the end of their session, Em City is in full swing. People with their belongings are moving everywhere. Ryan gets closer to Murphy. "What the fuck is going on?"
"It's moving day. We're trying something new, something in the name of cooperation." Murphy doesn't seem convinced.
Pancamo passes by with his clothes in his hands. "Dickhead put me with one of the bikers."
"Are you shitting me?" Alvarez looks at Murphy. "Does he want everyone dead?"
Murphy shrugs. "It's a little experiment. Until the new year, and then we re-evaluate."
Ryan smiles and winks at Pancamo. This won't last until then. They'll make sure of that. After all, this might solve the drug problem for a while, but the infirmary will be working overtime. "So who am I rooming with?"
Murphy points to Alvarez. "You're both in your pod. One of the other inmates already moved Alvarez' stuff." He looked to the two. "You two behave."
"Don't I always?" Ryan says as he spreads his arms and start to walk to his room.
The new accommodations are meant to creates new friendships and less business ties. The new accommodations end up creating many enemies and more business ties. In less than three days, there are six fights, eleven people in the infirmary with different levels of injuries, and one dead. On the fourth, everyone goes back to their original pod, except for two people.
"Should we say anything?" Alvarez asks, as the doors close for the night.
Ryan shrugs. "Do you want to go back with Hernandez? That guy will end up dead in less than a week. I don't even know why McManus got him in here."
"Em City needs new blood with all the people that either died or got transferred, but you have a point." Alvarez is by the door, hand on his stomach as he takes in the new arrangements. "I got another fifteen years while I was at Attica."
"We're sharing now?" Ryan knows that friendships can be dangerous in this place, but he likes danger and he is stuck here forever, so he might as well create some connections. He gets up and stands next to Alvarez, hand on the glass. He doesn't ask if Alvarez deserves those fifteen years, since it doesn't matter. Also they were both in Attica, and Ryan knows that Alvarez was defending himself. "Any parole?"
Alvarez shakes his head. "I'm ever leaving this place."
"Neither am I," Ryan answers. He certainly won't give Alvarez the usual bullshit about getting better, becoming valued members of society while being in here. It's all crap and they both know it.
"I guess we might as well share a pod until we die." He turns his head to look at Ryan. "We ain't getting out."
"I know, but it could we worse. We could be stuck with one of the Bikers. Dumb fucks would bore us to death." Ryan sees the little smile on Alvarez's face and takes it as a win. "Come on, I got cards. We can play."
"I'm not betting against you," Alvarez says.
Smart. Ryan never plays to lose and even when he loses, he wins. "How about the one who loses has to clean up after Duke and Honey?"
Alvarez raises his eyebrows. "Those dogs never have accidents."
"But they could."
"And if they do, the loser cleans up?" It sounds very much like a question and Ryan can see that Alvarez is trying to find the catch, even though there is none. "Fine," he finally says, and they end up playing until lights out. When they are done, no one knows who won.
The next few days pass by in absolutely boredom. Spending time with the dogs is the highlight of their day. Duke and Honey must know that they won't see each to other for a while, because they are extra affectionate. "How the fuck do they know they aren't coming back until the new year?" he asks, mostly to himself.
Alvarez snorts. "They don't. They can feel that we'll miss them, that's all. Dogs pick up on our emotions."
"I don't have emotions," Ryan says.
This time Alvarez laughs. "O'Reily, if you didn't have emotions, you wouldn't be stuck in here with the rest of us."
Alvarez has a point. Every time Ryan fucks up, it's the result of some emotion. He'd like to think it's love, but Sister Pete keeps talking about lust, obsession, even misplaced anger. He tells her that she's full of shit, but he knows that she's right. "I can control them better."
Alvarez smiles and nods. "Sure, hermano."
He doesn't sound like he's fucking with Ryan, so Ryan lets it go. Proof that that he can indeed control his emotions. He's proven wrong at the end of the session, when Duke is ready to leave. Ryan can feel himself choking at the idea of being without the dogs for almost two weeks. There's a sting in his eyes, but he pretends that it's fine. Alvarez claps his back. "Come on, time for you to start cooking. I hear we have pudding tonight. You'd better save me some."
Ryan is grateful for the distraction. "You've got lousy informants. It's brownies, and I've already stashed a few for lights out." He winks at Alvarez and goes to the kitchen. He doesn't know what the fuck it's happening with him and Alvarez. They talk, they help each other and they don't ask anything in return. The only time he had something like that, it was with Cyril. Is this what friends are? He'll have to ask Pete.
The question stays at the back of his mind, but he doesn't get the chance to ask Pete. Instead, he asks his mother. They are in the cafeteria again and she's getting ready for the Christmas show. Ryan sits at the edge of the stage. "It's weird, right? Me and Alvarez? We aren't even doing business together."
Suzanne smiles at Ryan. "You don't have to be in business with someone to be his friend. In fact, it's probably better than you aren't in business with your friends. And you know, if this becomes more-"
"I'm not a fag, Ma," Ryan says.
"I know, but you will be in this place forever. If you find companionship or love with someone, it doesn't have to be sexual, you can be happier." She goes to the corner of the stage. "I'll be back tomorrow for Mass and I'll bring your presents, but I wanted to give you this today. It'll help you spend the time on Christmas Eve."
Ryan doesn't know how a book can make things better, but he doesn't say it. He hugs his mother, thanks her and sticks around until the guards tell him to leave. He starts reading while in the kitchen. It's not hard to microwave shit after all. He also reads through dinner and it distracts him from the terrible food. He keeps reading in his pod.
"What the hell is so fascinating with that book?" Alvarez asks as he steps inside. "You haven't put it down all evening."
Ryan sits up, resting against the wall. He's almost done with the book and it knows that it won't end well, so he's ready to slow down. "Ma gave me the book. It's about some Scottish family moving to Canada. It's all about the family through the years, even the dogs are included." H liked that part.
"Dogs are around more than family," Alvarez answers. "Never seen much of my dad until I got here. Same with my uncles."
Ryan supposes that it's true for most people in here. "It's the same in the book. Lots of violence, people in jail, addicts. The grandmother says that we're all better when we're loved, even if we're not good. What the fuck does that say about us?"
Alvarez jumps up on the top bunk, showing how friendly they have gotten. No one else would dare. "What do you mean?"
"We're stuck here, right? People who love us are out there. I mean we have our fathers in here, but they could be moved at any times. Our Mas come around as much as they can, but everyone else has disappeared the longer we're here. Once our mothers can't come, then what?" Ryan asks, and wonders how the fuck her mother could have a book about love ready to hand to him right after that discussion. "Is this why the Italians are so sure of themselves?"
Alvarez snorts. "We've had some pretty fucked up Italians here."
"Yeah, but mostly, they are fine. They do their thing, they do their time, but they know that they have their families to take care of them. Both families." The mafia had its own way to take care of its guys. "You don't see them looking for… companionship. Ma says that we should look for that in here." He can see that Alvarez doesn't buy it.
"That ain't about love, but power. Most of those people who take stags only want to prove a point. Then you have Stabler and Beecher. Those two were locos. Beecher is much better now." Alvarez smiles a little. "But it's a nice idea, companionship. I thought with Torquemada, but-"
"You were high as a kite and your companions were the tits, not him," Ryan says. He knows, because he'd watched from afar while Attica, before that unfortunate slip that sent Torquemada rolling down the stairs.
"I guess so, and he wanted power as much as everyone else, just in a different way." Alvareez's head lulls back. "So what you're saying is that we're fucked. Because if we're better with love, we don't have a chance in hell in this place."
Ryan keeps his eyes on Alvarez. He might have a silver tongue, but sometimes less is better if you don't want to expose yourself. "Maybe we can find our own type of love."
Alvarez frowns, but he finally understands and shakes his head. "You don't take it up the ass, remember?"
"I remember," Ryan answers, amused. "I wasn't suggesting that. I thought- We can be… something."
"Yeah? Until you'll wake up from whatever the fuck is going on, maybe the holiday spirit or some shit, and you'll find a way to have me killed," Alvarez says.
Ryan smirks. "So… your objection isn't that we could be… companions, but that I'd kill you."
"I got priorities, hermano. Staying alive comes first."
Ryan supposes that it makes sense. Alvarez goes through periods when he invites death, but then he sobers up and remembers that if you die, there's nothing. "I don't want you dead. I want-"
"You don't fucking know what you want," Alvarez says with brutal honesty. "We're the same, surviving when everyone around us dies, and yeah, we could have been friends out there, but we're in here."
"And we've managed to be friends in here. We help each other even when there's no reason to. We talk like real people, not always starting a pissing contest. Fuck, even our dogs like each other." Ryan has to admit that despite all of that, he doesn't know what he wants, not really. "I know I don't want to be alone in here. I know that once Ma goes home, there's got to be more than selling tits and doing business." He nods to the book. "I want to be better because I'm loved." He puts a hand over Alvarez's, who watches him warily; Ryan can't blame him. "I think we can do that for each other."
"Have you thought about the specifics?" Alvarez asks.
Ryan wishes that Alvarez would stop throwing reality back at him, but that had been the problem with Gloria. It'd been a fantasy, and maybe it's time to change. "No, not really."
"Because you don't take it up the ass," Alvarez finishes. There's a moment of silence and then Alvarez takes a deep breath. "I'd like that, you know? The being better part, not so much the being shanked when things go south. So tell you what, let's starts with friends, yeah? If after the holidays, you still want more, then we talk."
Ryan grins. "We can do that." He can wait; he is a patient man when he wants to be, and he knows that this thing with Alvarez will work out. They'll be better together.