About me.
Thought maybe it's time to share things about myself that may explain any future posts I may write.
and if you'd like to comment below and share something about yourself that would be nice <3
Let's start of with the simple facts. My names Sarahjane, no body but my mum and step dad gets to call me that tho my step dad usually calls me saz after the taz the cartoon character Apparently I'm a whirlwind. Sarah will be fine for friends thanks lol I'm 26 (27 in Dec) live in the UK - Yorkshire. Away from all the big cities. Grown up here all my life, love the place (not so much the people). I have a large complicated family, I'm the only girl - I have 5 brothers.
Here goes.. (Oldest to youngest) Mike-full blood, mark-step, me, Gary-step, Chris-half blood, Dom-half blood... Actually now I do have a little sister by marriage! So as you may figure out, I was never a 'dolly' kind of girl, give me a football, give me a skateboard. You might think having all those brothers would be nice, feel protected maybe difficult at times but all in all loved. It was never like that at our house. The oldest Mike, he hated me. Was jealous of me for unknown reasons he always had more then any of us and hated when i got a scrap of attention. He used to hurt me a lot, mentally and physically. I have a damaged spine because of him. We don't talk anymore. My dad is a long story but the short version is.. Pretty much rejected us. He was in and out of mine and mikes lives never wanted us around but popped up every 6/12 months just to remind us that he didn't want us around (that's what it felt like) I made contact with him when I fell pregnant after not speaking for 3 years to see if he wanted to be a part of my child's life. But I warned him one disappearing act and it's game over. He's gone from seeing my boy once every 4 week to once every 7 week. I'm waiting, it isn't much longer before I can pull the plug.
My mum was and is a sick woman. Lots of operations over the years, which in turn made her be away a lot. With my stepdad working and boys being boys I was left to care for the youngest. Get them to school/go to school late myself. Leave early from school/don't be late to pick the boys up. Make dinner (for everyone), do home work, wash and iron school things, never go out with friends. This was life from being 12-16 when I stared college I couldn't be there to collect the boys anymore. I don't resent those years at all. My mum couldn't help being ill she hated having me do these things, my step dad had to work! And anyways have a wonderful relationship with my little brothers because of it and yes I grew up fast but I had the chance to let my hair back down in college and uni years. Kind of.
Back in 2006 I was sexually abused by someone I trusted. The single most horrific moment of my life. That I didn't tell anyone about for 3 years. I still have night terrors about it often. I've had professional help to work through things but 10 years on I'm still pretty jumpy. My husband can't even come surprise hug me from behind or my anxiety would send me through the roof and take a good 3-4 hours to get my heart rate back down. He's so understanding <3......recently the man that abused me died of a drugs overdoes. It was strange getting the news, like I wasn't happy he was dead (always thought I would have been) I was angry. Am angry that he escaped this world so easily.
Back to college. After the attack I hated everyone and everything, showed no consideration for anyone, no compassion. I was awful. I hurt people, I did things just to hurt people. People I knew, people I didn't know. I wanted them to hate me as much as I hated them. After hurting these people I'd go home and hurt myself. Punishing my sick actions and words. It's was like an addiction, I had to have my fix. Looking back at those years I feel so sad for the past me. Maybe if someone was there to just take hold of me and tell me if didn't matter, that nothing I could do would make them love me less, maybe I wouldn't have hurt as many people. But again, would I really change that about me. Yes it was an awful thing to go through and yes I did some awful things. But I like... No love, who I am today.
Life got better after I met my Liam. We met in 2008 once at a party where I was being not so nice to a friend of his. Then bumped into each other again in 2010. I fell in love with his smile within minutes and head over heels for him in a matter of days. He asked me to marry him 6 months later, we moved in together a year after meeting, fell pregnant quickly. Had our boy 2 years after meeting. Got married 2 years after that and 2 years later here we are now. Just me and my boys. Boys I never thought I'd have, never knew I'd be able to love. Up until having my son 4 years ago I still self harmed, not as much as I had been doing before meeting Liam, but an addiction is hard to kick, and I was a bad person, I didn't deserve Liam (so my head told me). Having the baby changed me. I was a mum, I had a purpose. Someone in this god awful world loves me for who I am. The purest kindest little blue eyes I ever did see looked into my soul and healed me. I'm not perfect never will be and I'm glad I'm not. I'm me! A wife, a mum. I finally fit. Yes there's days that are harder to face, yes I get scared when strange men talk to me. But I don't freeze anymore. Not completely. I deal. And dealing is 110X better the anything I've done in the past.
I've learnt to talk and express my feelings clearly. I'm now trying to make up for all the bad things that I did by helping other people. One kind act a day and maybe by the time I die I'll have made amends for all my wrong doings. Today I stood with a man at a bus stand shielding him and his shopping form the heavy rain with my umbrella. I stood getting soaked and I loved it. The man said I was crazy, I replied 'no, but I used to be'.
Everything happens to us for a reason, and at the time it is so hard to see and understand. But what we do need to remind ourselves, our future selves and our friends and family, is to to look back at all the things we've lived through and tell ourselves that we are survivors! We did it once, we can do it again!