Planet of Doom
Title: Planet of Doom
Author: Titan5
Rating: PG
Characters: John, Rodney, Teyla, Ronon
Genre: Gen; humor and h/c for all
Word count: ~6000
Summary: It seemed like such a nice planet. Right up until it tried to kill them.
Author’s note: Set in season three so I can have Carson and Elizabeth. This was actually written for the planet prompt at SGA Saturday, but I didn’t get finished in time and I just can’t make myself wait any longer for an amnesty week. It’s been forever since I posted anything and I’m wanting back in the game. Thank you to black raven135 for the beta.
Planet of Doom
“Hmm,” said Rodney as the gate closed down behind him. “I think I might actually like this planet.”
John grinned, sliding his sunglasses in place. “I knew if we visited enough planets we’d eventually find one you couldn’t complain about.”
“Well it took you long enough to find one that wasn’t a furnace disguised as a desert or an arctic wasteland or a giant, bug-infested swamp. The temperature is actually quite nice here.” The scientist pulled out his LSD as he finished his commentary and began poking at it. “Looks like we are alone as predicted.”
Scanning the field in front of them, John was peripherally aware of Ronon and Teyla doing the same on either side of him. Red, yellow, and blue wildflowers provided impromptu splashes of color woven through the tall, golden grass that ended at the edge of a forest about three klicks ahead. A light breeze made the plants bow and undulate, almost like a performance to welcome their guests. Turning, John noted the grassy field extended much farther behind the gate, maybe six or seven klicks to the mountains rising in the distance.
“Which way?” asked Ronon, coming up behind Rodney to stare down over his shoulder.
Rodney jumped and scuttled sideways. “Would you not do that? What is it with you and Sheppard and sneaking up on people?”
Ronon grinned and started edging closer to the scientist. Teyla sighed. “Ronon.”
John looked back at his team. “Kids,” he drawled. “Don’t make me come over there. Which way, Rodney?”
Rodney cast a scowl in Ronon’s direction before turning to his team leader. “Our directions say to head . . . that way,” he said, pointed slightly to the left. “The haystack plant should be about two klicks into the forest.”
“Hai’sta plant,” Teyla corrected as they began walking.
“Yeah, that’s what I said,” replied Rodney, shoving the Ancient instrument into a pocket of his vest.
Teyla looked at John and rolled her eyes. Yeah, they had really corrupted her. He was almost certain she had never done that until about a year or two ago. Now it was a regular occurrence, especially around Rodney or Ronon. He suddenly wondered how often she rolled her eyes in his honor and frowned. Maybe it was better he didn’t know.
“The flowers are lovely,” said Teyla several minutes later, reaching down to pick an orange one with a complicated arrangement of petals that reminded John of an orchid. She put it next to her face, looking thoughtful. “I believe this one smells like a rose.” She handed it to John, her expression telling him to confirm her thought.
John took the flower and smelled it, frowning at Rodney’s smirking expression. He was a little surprised to recognize the scent. “You’re right, it does smell like a rose. Want a sniff, McKay?”
Rodney picked that moment to sneeze several times in quick succession. Ronon laughed. “I think that was a no.”
“No doubt,” John said, wincing as he passed the flower back to Teyla. She quickly handed him a blue one he hadn’t even seen her pick.
“I do not recognize this one.”
What, was he suddenly some kind of flower encyclopedia? “Don’t look at me; I don’t have any idea what it is. Botany isn’t exactly my specialty.”
“Unless it explodes and can be used as a weapon, I doubt the colonel is going to be much help,” said Rodney, sniffling and wiping his nose on his sleeve before sneezing again.
John glanced at Teyla just in time to see her are you really this stupid expression move from Rodney back to him. “I was referring to the smell. I was trying to tell if it reminded me of any Earth flowers. It is familiar, but I cannot place it.”
“Oh.” Didn’t he feel stupid. “Right.” John took a big whiff and was instantly carried back to his childhood. “Honeysuckle,” he mumbled. Memories came flooding back, constricting his chest and tightening his throat.
“John?”
John looked up to see his team staring at him as he stood in the field, apparently lost in his thoughts while clutching a pale blue flower. “Oh . . . sorry. Just remembering something.” He passed the flower back to Teyla as he started walking again.
“Did you say . . . ah . . hon . . . hon . . . honeysuckle?” Rodney somehow managed to sneeze out the last part of the word. He seemed dazed by the intensity of it, wobbling a bit on his feet.
John shared a grin with Ronon as the big man helped Rodney dig a pack of tissues out of his pack. “Yeah, honeysuckle. I was just thinking . . . one summer we stayed with my grandparents a while. Honeysuckle grew along the side of the road they lived on and Dave and I used to pick the yellow ones and suck nectar out of the bottom. Mom . . . mom showed us how and sometimes she would go with us. It was kind of nice, just walking along the gravel road and . . . “ John cleared his throat, a little surprised at his stroll down memory lane and looked away from his friends. “That was a long time ago.”
Teyla touched his arm and smiled up at him. “It sounds very nice, John. Those seem like happy memories.”
Swallowing, John pushed the lump in his throat down. “They were. We were . . . things were better back then, when we were kids and mom was still there.” Why was he sharing all of this? And how red was his face?
“Smell and memory are supposed to be tied very closely together, something about the way the ne . . . nerves . . . uh . . . uh” By this time everyone had stopped to stare at Rodney in expectation and he didn’t disappoint, sneezing so many times John lost count. The scientist’s eyes were watering by the time he was done and if Ronon hadn’t been hanging onto his arm, he probably would have fallen over. After blowing his nose, he looked up at his team and sighed. “I hate this planet.”
John knew he did a miserable job of hiding his grin. “Let’s get those plants so we can get Sneezy back home to Doc.”
“Very funny,” Rodney said, his voice now rough and nasally. “Does that make you Snow White?”
“Maybe he’s Goofy,” offered Ronon.
“Wrong cartoon,” said John, stopping now that they had reached the edge of the forest. The canopy was high above them, but the leaves looked huge even at this distance. “Keep going in the same direction?” he asked with a glance at Rodney.
“Yes,” the scientist responded, looking like he was about to sneeze again. “There should be a giant cluster of them just ahead, or at least there used to be.”
John let out a slow breath. “Let’s hope there still is.” They had come to the planet based on a combination of information from the Ancient database as well as from the Athosians. A Pegasus disease known as sarcopsia was currently making its way through the Athosian village as well as Atlantis. It wasn’t typically life threatening, but it was 7-10 days of pure misery, like a souped up version of the flu. And it left people weak and shaky for another week or so after the fever left. Atlantis couldn’t afford for half the military to be out of commission and that’s where they were headed if this didn’t work.
The Hai’sta plant could knock the disease back, lessening the effects and cutting the recovery in half or better according to Teyla’s people. The database on Atlantis said quite a bit of it grew on this planet. They were scheduled to bring a botanist with them, but almost all of the biology department had come down with the disease and were currently confined to bed, along with almost a third of the city.
“It’s a lot cooler in here,” Teyla said.
She was right. John had been starting to get warm, sweat just forming across his hairline when they entered the forest. They lost the breeze, but the thick canopy overhead cut out most of the sunlight, leaving the forest floor dark and cool. At least Rodney had stopped sneezing. He glanced over at the scientist to see how he was holding up.
Rodney’s eyes were bloodshot and watery. He still sniffled occasionally, but had quit having to blow his nose every thirty seconds. “Doing okay there, McKay?”
“Oh, yes, delightful. I love sneezing until my eyeballs just about pop out of my head and I have a nice headache to go along with my running nose and itching eyes. Have any more moronic questions?”
John rolled his lip under and chewed on it, reminding himself that this was just how Rodney handled misery and it wouldn’t help to scold him. He scratched at his right arm, looking down to make sure nothing was crawling on it. His arms felt weird, like ants crawling up and down them, but there was nothing there.
“I see them,” said Teyla, hurrying forward.
John picked up the pace, studying the plants where Teyla had kneeled down and opened her pack. The plant was six inches tall, with six oval leaves radiating out from a central pink and white flower. It looked just like the pictures in the database and John felt the tension in his muscles unwind a little.
“There must be dozens of them,” gasped Rodney.
“We must cut them at the ground,” said Teyla, demonstrating the technique as she harvested the first one. “That will leave the underground root system whole so that more may be produced.”
Nodding, John took his knife and sliced through a stem even with the ground and placed the plant carefully in his pack. “Doc said we would need several dozen at least to make enough of the serum.”
They crawled on their hands and knees for half an hour, working silently except for the sounds of their movement. John’s knees and back were beginning to ache when he zipped up his full pack. Stretching, he rubbed at his reddening arms. The itching and burning had been building for several minutes, as well as a tickle in his throat. He finally gave in and coughed for a few seconds before downing some water from his canteen.
Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, his eyes raked over his team. All of them were scratching at their arms and all of them were developing red whelps. Teyla was also fighting a cough.
Rodney’s eyes went wide as he stopped scratching and John knew that meant he was putting the pieces together. “Oh, no. We’ve picked something up, probably worse than the plague we’re already trying to fight off.”
John sighed. “Judging from all the scratching, it’s probably closer to this planet’s version of poison ivy.”
Ronon looked at his arms and then up to John. “The tall grass?”
“That’s my guess. If we’ve got enough miracle plant, we should probably get back to . . . what’s that noise?” A low buzzing had slowly been building. At first John thought it was in his head, until he saw Ronon tilting his head and frowning like he heard it too.
Teyla arched one brow and looked at Ronon. “Cosna?”
Ronon’s frown deepened. “If so, it’s a lot of them.”
John’s temper grew shorter as the buzzing got louder. “Cosna? What’s that?”
“We are so dead,” whispered Rodney, pointing to an undulating black cloud that seemed to be moving toward them.
“Bees?” John asked, a little surprised at how high a pitch that had come out.
Teyla was already grabbing her pack. “Like bees only much bigger and much more painful. We must hide.” All four of them moved around the clearing, eyes searching for any shelter, anything at all. John saw absolutely nothing and time was running out.
“Water!” Ronon exclaimed, pointing the opposite direction they had come from. “I heard water, like a river. That way.”
“Go,” John yelled, moving in the direction the Satedan had pointed. They ran for several minutes, dodging trees and jumping over roots, the buzzing still behind them. As the river came into view, John could tell it wouldn’t be deep. “Lay flat, try to completely immerse yourself,” he instructed as they threw their packs on the bank and waded in. A sharp pain hit him in the shoulder and he swiped at it, knocking what appeared to be a two inch long bee off his arm. He didn’t need to tell the others as they were already waving their arms around.
“Ow! How do we breathe?” asked Rodney as he plopped down in the water and waved one away from his face.
“Just let your mouth surface and take a quick breath, then go back under, at least until they’re gone.” Then John was lying back and letting the water close over him. After he was settled, the water felt good on his arms and the many places the bees or whatever they were had stung him. He hoped Rodney wasn’t allergic to Pegasus variety bees or he’d be in real trouble.
The river was only about two feet deep at its deepest. John was lying on his back along the rocky bottom, trying not to float to the surface. When he opened his eyes, he thought he could see insects swarming above. Eventually he needed air, so he allowed himself to float up enough his lips broke the surface and he took in a quick breath, sinking back down without causing much of a ripple. The less the surface was disturbed, the more likely the insects were to give up and leave. At least that was what he hoped.
He surfaced several more times before a tickle developed in his throat again. He tried to ignore it, but it just kept getting worse until his chest began feeling constricted and heavy. When he lost the battle to contain it, he burst forth from the water to sit up, coughing and sputtering and then gasping until he could breathe again. Wiping his face, he looked around to find his teammates sitting in the water staring at him.
“I think they’re gone.” Okay, that was a stupid and obvious thing to say, but John couldn’t think of anything else at the moment. He blamed oxygen deprivation.
Rodney was looking around as if he expected the sky to fall on him. He finally nodded and sighed. “I really hate this planet.”
oOo
After everyone was out of the water and it was determined that no one was about to keel over, they began figuring out their next course of action.
“We can’t go back the way we came. Those giant killer bee things might be waiting on us,” said Rodney.
“Agreed,” said Teyla. “We must have been too close to their hive.” Leaning to the side, she squeezed excess water from her ponytail and then suddenly straightened, launching into a coughing fit. When she finished, the next few breaths were loud and wheezy. Ronon handed her a canteen.
“You okay?” John asked. He was well aware that his own chest felt heavy and his breaths seemed labored and congested. Rodney was eyeing the two of them like they’d sprouted wings.
“What’s wrong with you two? You’ve both been coughing and rattling when you breathe like some old smoker with emphysema. Are you sick?” Rodney asked.
“They smelled those flowers,” said Ronon. “Those plants made our arms itch because we all touched them walking through the field, but Teyla and Sheppard are the only ones that smelled the flowers.”
Rodney’s mouth dropped open for a moment as he stared at Ronon. “You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first.”
“Better watch out Rodney or Chewie here’ll give you a run for your money,” said John, keeping his face straight. Rodney’s jaw flopped open and closed a couple of times and then he just shook his head and waved his hand at John.
“I’ll have you know . . . “ Rodney’s eyebrows shot up and he sat down hard, yanking at his pant leg until he finally pulled the wet garment up to his knee. “Oh, that’s . . . get it off, get it off!”
John joined the others as they crowded around Rodney while he yelled and waved his hand at his leg. John groaned when he saw the problem. Three huge leeches, at least they looked like leeches, were stuck to the scientist’s leg. The man’s eyes widened even further when his hand brushed against the other leg. “Oh no, I think there are more on the other leg.”
Ronon grunted and crossed his arms. “I’m guessing we all have some. We’d better get them off before they become too attached. If you leave them too long, you have to dig them out.”
John could only watch as all the color drained from Rodney’s face and his lids fluttered and closed, his entire body wilting sideways onto the forest floor.
“Well,” the pilot said. “That could have gone better.” He’d never admit it, but he was feeling a little weak-kneed himself. What was it with blood and life sucking critters in this galaxy?
The leeches turned out to be sort of a cross between a leech and a giant tick, although John spared Rodney that little tidbit. Teyla and Ronon showed him how to properly remove the parasite without causing too much damage and they all worked to remove Rodney’s little cluster before he woke up. It just seemed the humane thing to do, especially for them. It took almost an hour to deleech everyone and clean the wounds so they could get back on the road. If only there actually was a road.
“Okay, Mr. Team Leader, how are we getting back to Atlantis?” asked Rodney.
John looked at Ronon. “I was thinking follow the river a while, in case our friends return, and then veer off back towards the gate.”
Ronon nodded. “I was thinking the same thing. I’d rather not run into the cosna again.”
“How will we know when to veer and what direction to head?” asked Rodney, patting down his body while trying to look like he wasn’t.
“Ronon will know,” said Teyla, giving the former runner a nod.
“I don’t understand how . . . oh,” Rodney said. Sometimes it took a while, but the scientist usually caught on to these things. “Guess we should start walking then.”
John picked up his pack, briefly checking it over for things that bite or sting before throwing it over his shoulder. “Guess we should. And don’t worry, Rodney, we got them all. We can’t have you fainting on us.”
“Passed out, colonel, probably from shock and blood loss.”
“I’m going with shock,” said Ronon with a chuckle.
“Oh, shut up,” snapped Rodney. “Surely this day couldn’t get any worse.”
oOo
“You just had to say it, didn’t you McKay?” asked John, dodging another stink bomb thrown from the canopy above them.
“This is not my fault,” Rodney barked, yelping as a wet clump slammed into his back.
“Crap,” John said as he was nailed in the shoulder. The smell that close to his face almost made him gag.
“Yes, colonel, we’re well aware of what it is,” said Rodney, successfully dodging a ball of poop.
“This way,” Ronon yelled. No one questioned it, they just ran after the big man as he bobbed and weaved through the trees.
Apparently the Pegasus Galaxy had their own version of howler monkeys, who were now very agitated. Agitated monkeys made lots of noise in the form of extremely loud screaming growls while pummeling the creatures below with excrement. And it stunk. A lot.
After several minutes of running, they came to a stop near a cluster of large rocks. John was so short of breath that he quickly threw himself on the first rock before he passed out. Leaning forward with his hands on his knees for support, he sucked in air as fast as he was able, trying to chase away the graying edge of his vision. His lungs felt heavy and full and he could hear the rattle as he drew in each breath.
His breathing finally evened out to the point he began to notice other things. Like sensations of itching, burning, and stinging coming from nearly every square inch of his body. And Teyla still red-faced and out of breath, something that never happened. “Teyla?”
Her eyes came up to meet his and she nodded. “I will be fine. I seem to be . . . a little short of breath.”
“Yeah,” he chuckled. “I know what you mean. Rodney, Ronon. What about you guys?”
Rodney grimaced. “I itch and I’m exhausted and I hurt from where those giant bees stung us and I’m covered in monkey feces. How do you I think I am?”
John looked at the fuming scientist a minute and then shifted his eyes to Ronon, who shrugged his shoulders as if all of this were an everyday occurrence. “I’m good.”
Rodney threw his arms up and sighed and then walked around in a circle a couple of times. “Can we at least wash the stink off us? I’m not sure they’ll let us in the gateroom smelling like this. And does anyone even know where we are any more?”
They had left the river behind a while before attack of the monkeys and John was pretty sure they had run away from the river, not toward it. He looked at Ronon. “I’m thinking we need to just head to the gate.”
“River is in the opposite direction of the gate and we’re closer to the gate than the river. We should keep going to the gate. You and Teyla need to see a doctor.”
“At this point I think we could all use a doctor,” John muttered. “And a long, hot shower.”
“And a hot meal,” added Rodney.
John had to smile at that. “And a hot meal,” John echoed. “Let’s go home, preferably before something else comes after us.”
They walked another half hour, at which point John wondered how off course their little evading sessions had taken them. He wiped another layer of sweat from his face and then slapped at the tiny insect snacking on his neck. Their nice temperate climate had taken a turn for the steamy and John was beginning to droop. “Break.”
Ronon arched an eyebrow at him, but everyone else just sighed and reached for their water. John leaned against a tree, closing his eyes as he tried to catch up his oxygen supply. Breathing didn’t feel right. It was similar to when he’d had pneumonia, but there was something else. It just seemed that every single breath was a huge effort and then he didn’t even get the needed amount of oxygen. At the sound of approaching footsteps, he opened his eyes.
Rodney stared at him for a moment, a slight frown deepening as he watched his friend. “Let me know if it gets bad. We have epi pens and I think that might be where you’re headed. Teyla too. Ronon’s checking on her. The field with the gate is just ahead, so hang in there a little longer.”
John nodded, not wanting to waste breath on the response. Ronon was helping Teyla back to her feet, so John took that as his cue to get moving and pushed off the tree. They had only gone a few yards when he saw the trees thinning out ahead. Thank goodness.
They had just reached the tree line when Ronon stopped and held up his fist, spinning around with his gun drawn. Rodney opened his mouth and then closed it when Ronon put a finger to his lips and shook his head. They all stood in silence, listening and looking around. John had just gotten his breathing where it didn’t sound like a windstorm in his head when he heard it. He peered through the trees, looking for the source of the rustling noise. A flash of brown fur was accompanied by a low growl. Rodney’s face went white.
John pointed to each team member and then toward the gate. They moved out of the forest as a group, slowly, silently, their backs to their teammates. His heart racing wildly in his chest, John was pretty sure he was on the adrenalin rush of all time. Sweat dripped in his eyes and he blinked furiously to clear his vision. The growling and rustling had increased exponentially as they eased out into the open field. It wasn’t if the creatures attacked, but when and how hard.
John jerked his P-90 to the left, firing at the animal bounding toward him and the battle was on. The sound of their collective gunfire echoed in his head, the smell of gunpowder strong all around him. There seemed to be dozens of them, jumping and running all around his team, drawing fire in one direction so another could sneak in the area left open. They looked like really big hyenas with wide heads and lots of teeth.
A yelp from his right brought John around to see one of the animals had latched onto Rodney’s left leg. He shot the animal several times and it dropped, its teeth momentarily catching in the fabric of Rodney’s pants. The scientist let out a squeal as he kicked and danced around until the dead carcass fell away.
John brought his gun back around just in time to get knocked to the ground, losing his grip on the weapon. His arms came up immediately, pushing the beast away from its intended target, his neck. Jaws of another one clamped down on his calf and he yelled, kicking with all his might to dislodge it. He was caught between a rock and a hard place, unable to go for his gun without leaving his neck open to attack. Red light from Ronon’s gun hit the animal trying to rip out his throat and it went down, allowing him to grab his 9mm and dispatch the one making another run at his leg.
Wheeling around with his gun extended and looking for a target, he realized the field was silent. His team members were slowly spinning around in search of any sign of attack. The only sound was that of their labored breaths. Dead animals littered that side of the meadow and the smell of blood was so heavy he thought he could taste it. “Everyone okay?”
After a pause, Rodney sighed and lowered his gun. “If by okay you mean alive, but mangled, then yes.”
John nodded and holstered his gun. Ronon pulled him to his feet and he studied his team. Mangled was right. They were all sweaty, dirty, and covered with stinky monkey doo. Arms and faces were red with whelps from the plants and bee stings. He and Teyla could barely breathe. They all had multiple bites and deep scratches from the alien hyenas and holes under their clothes from the leeches.
Rodney sneezed. He opened his mouth to say something, but sneezed five more times instead. Wiping his nose on the back of his hand, he smeared dirt across his face (at least John hoped it was dirt). Realizing what he had just done, the scientist sighed and bowed his head. “Can we go home? I really hate this planet.”
John couldn’t agree more. He looked at the stargate, sitting peacefully across the field, pretty flowers bobbing in the breeze. “I’d say let’s run for it, but I don’t think I have the energy.”
Exhaustion left them making slow and heavy steps toward their goal. A low growl from behind may have hurried them along slightly as they neared their destination. John was never so glad to dial Atlantis, or at least not any time in recent history. When the wormhole whooshed out, Rodney sneezed at it. After sending the IDC, he continued to sneeze until they emerged in the gateroom of Atlantis.
Guards and technicians alike stood dumbfounded, their mouths gaping at the sight before them. John looked up to find Elizabeth staring at them. Shaking her head, she tapped the radio at her ear and called for a medical team before heading down the steps. He didn’t so much hear the call as read her lips and how sad was it that he recognized the action, all the way down to her annoyed yet worried expression. Sighing, he realized the adrenalin rush from before was ebbing out and leaving him shaky in its wake. He needed a hot shower, food, some drugs . . . okay, a lot of drugs, and bed.
Elizabeth hit the bottom step and stopped, her nose wrinking as her eyes narrowed. “What is that smell?”
oOo
It took a couple of hours to get the team scrubbed, scanned, and properly medicated. They were all confined to beds in the infirmary, what with their itchy hives and alien bee stings and mauled limbs. Everyone got their fair share of stitches, anti-itch cream, and antibiotics. John and Teyla got nasal cannulas due to the severe asthma-like symptoms produced by the flower pollen. Ronon had a little swelling of his respiratory passages that Carson wanted to keep an eye on. Rodney had apparently sneezed so much that his lungs were the clearest. Of course his hives were the worst.
John was so doped up from all the medicine Carson had given him that he could barely keep his eyes open. He kept dozing off with his fork halfway to his mouth and dropping it back on the tray. The resulting crash would wake him up and he’d start all over again. At least he didn’t have to worry about his team laughing at him because they were all in the same boat. Even Ronon. The big guy had let his arm roll into his mashed potatoes twice, not that John was confident enough in his sparring skills to make fun of the Satedan.
“Colonel, are you finished with that?”
“Hmm? What?” John blinked a few times, eventually managing to turn his head toward the voice. Amy smiled at him, pushing a lock of her short, brown hair behind her ear.
“Are you finished eating?” she said, nodding toward his tray.
It took entirely too much energy for John to turn his head back around to look at the half finished tray in front of him. To be honest, he was still a little hungry, but at some point he’d leaned back against the pile of pillows and gotten extremely comfortable. The itching and burning from before had been significantly reduced by some of the same meds that were about to knock him out. He felt so much better than before that he was okay with that.
“Sir, can I take your tray?” Now Amy was really grinning, probably at his inability to focus.
“Mmm, yeah, okay.” John found the energy to wave his hand. He was checking out that his team was still in the surrounding beds when suddenly Amy and his tray were gone. Carson was taking his pulse and studying him.
“Back with us I see,” he said, easing the colonel’s arm down by his side.
“Did I go somewhere?” John had definitely lost some time in there.
“You tell me.”
John snorted. “So, did we get what you guys needed?” He suddenly had this horrible idea that maybe they had gathered the wrong plant or they didn’t get enough or the plant got so mutilated in their packs from all the chaos that they were unusable. He really didn’t want to ever set foot on that planet again. Plus it would be a while before he could walk on the leg that hyena had chewed up like a wad of gum. Maybe he could send Lorne. But he’d probably have to wait until the man recovered from the stupid flu thing first.
“Colonel?” Beckett was eyeing him kind of like he did when John was turning into a bug.
“What?”
The doctor grinned, his eyes dancing. “I keep losing you. In answer to your question, yes, your team provided us with more than enough of the plant. We should have a batch of the treatment ready to go in a few hours. Now I think it’s best you get some sleep.”
John sighed and leaned his head back against the pillow. “Couldn’t agree more, doc.”
Carson patted his arm and left, mumbling something about his team needing a keeper. John grinned, warm in the assurance that his team was safe and home. They were in a small room in the back of the infirmary because the main ward was crowded with sick people. That was okay with John because it made checking on his people easy.
Ronon was directly across from him, lying on his back with his mouth open. And snoring like a fog horn. John found the sound reassuring because he knew Ronon only snored when he was really relaxed. Teyla’s bed was next to Ronon’s. He couldn’t see her face because she was lying on her side facing the wall, but the regular breathing told him she was asleep. The fact that he could no longer hear her wheezing meant the medicine had helped her as much as it had him.
Rodney was in the bed next to him, tossing and turning. John was just about to doze off when the scientist sat straight up in bed, wrestling with his IV.
“Honestly,” he said in a loud whisper. “How can she sleep through that? More importantly, how are we supposed to sleep through that?”
“Just don’t go to sleep before I do or I’ll have to listen to both of you snore,” John replied with a straight face.
There it was. That look of pure indignation that no one could do like Rodney McKay. “I do not snore. And if I did, it wouldn’t sound like that.”
John lifted his head to glance at Ronon and then dropped back down to his pillow. “Yeah, I think you’re right. You do snore louder.”
He could feel Rodney staring at him, but refused to look at the physicist. “I hate you. I hate you almost as much as I hate that stupid planet.” He plopped back in the bed. “I’m locking that place out of the dialing database as soon as we’re out of here.”
“What if they need more of that plant?” John asked before yawning so wide his jaw cracked.
“Humph. We brought back enough of that stuff to wipe that Pegasus flu out of existence. If they really need more, someone else can go back to the Planet of Doom.”
“Is that your official . . . .” John jerked awake and lifted his head, looking around the room as he reached for the gun he didn’t have. “What?”
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Okay, that was just pathetic. Go back to sleep now.”
John grunted and closed his eyes. Planet of Doom. It was actually a pretty good description of the place. “I might just let you name this one,” he mumbled.
“Whatever. Go to sleep before you hurt yourself.”
Just as John drifted off, he heard a loud snort from Ronon. “Are you guys still awake? Quit talking.”
“Who can sleep with all that snoring? Hey, since you’re awake, what do you think about calling that place the Planet of Doom?”
There was a rustling followed by a thud and a yelp. “Hey, what was that for?”
Rolling over, John pulled the pillow over his ears and let the muffled sounds of his team, safe and secure and arguing, lull him to sleep.
THE END
Author: Titan5
Rating: PG
Characters: John, Rodney, Teyla, Ronon
Genre: Gen; humor and h/c for all
Word count: ~6000
Summary: It seemed like such a nice planet. Right up until it tried to kill them.
Author’s note: Set in season three so I can have Carson and Elizabeth. This was actually written for the planet prompt at SGA Saturday, but I didn’t get finished in time and I just can’t make myself wait any longer for an amnesty week. It’s been forever since I posted anything and I’m wanting back in the game. Thank you to black raven135 for the beta.
Planet of Doom
“Hmm,” said Rodney as the gate closed down behind him. “I think I might actually like this planet.”
John grinned, sliding his sunglasses in place. “I knew if we visited enough planets we’d eventually find one you couldn’t complain about.”
“Well it took you long enough to find one that wasn’t a furnace disguised as a desert or an arctic wasteland or a giant, bug-infested swamp. The temperature is actually quite nice here.” The scientist pulled out his LSD as he finished his commentary and began poking at it. “Looks like we are alone as predicted.”
Scanning the field in front of them, John was peripherally aware of Ronon and Teyla doing the same on either side of him. Red, yellow, and blue wildflowers provided impromptu splashes of color woven through the tall, golden grass that ended at the edge of a forest about three klicks ahead. A light breeze made the plants bow and undulate, almost like a performance to welcome their guests. Turning, John noted the grassy field extended much farther behind the gate, maybe six or seven klicks to the mountains rising in the distance.
“Which way?” asked Ronon, coming up behind Rodney to stare down over his shoulder.
Rodney jumped and scuttled sideways. “Would you not do that? What is it with you and Sheppard and sneaking up on people?”
Ronon grinned and started edging closer to the scientist. Teyla sighed. “Ronon.”
John looked back at his team. “Kids,” he drawled. “Don’t make me come over there. Which way, Rodney?”
Rodney cast a scowl in Ronon’s direction before turning to his team leader. “Our directions say to head . . . that way,” he said, pointed slightly to the left. “The haystack plant should be about two klicks into the forest.”
“Hai’sta plant,” Teyla corrected as they began walking.
“Yeah, that’s what I said,” replied Rodney, shoving the Ancient instrument into a pocket of his vest.
Teyla looked at John and rolled her eyes. Yeah, they had really corrupted her. He was almost certain she had never done that until about a year or two ago. Now it was a regular occurrence, especially around Rodney or Ronon. He suddenly wondered how often she rolled her eyes in his honor and frowned. Maybe it was better he didn’t know.
“The flowers are lovely,” said Teyla several minutes later, reaching down to pick an orange one with a complicated arrangement of petals that reminded John of an orchid. She put it next to her face, looking thoughtful. “I believe this one smells like a rose.” She handed it to John, her expression telling him to confirm her thought.
John took the flower and smelled it, frowning at Rodney’s smirking expression. He was a little surprised to recognize the scent. “You’re right, it does smell like a rose. Want a sniff, McKay?”
Rodney picked that moment to sneeze several times in quick succession. Ronon laughed. “I think that was a no.”
“No doubt,” John said, wincing as he passed the flower back to Teyla. She quickly handed him a blue one he hadn’t even seen her pick.
“I do not recognize this one.”
What, was he suddenly some kind of flower encyclopedia? “Don’t look at me; I don’t have any idea what it is. Botany isn’t exactly my specialty.”
“Unless it explodes and can be used as a weapon, I doubt the colonel is going to be much help,” said Rodney, sniffling and wiping his nose on his sleeve before sneezing again.
John glanced at Teyla just in time to see her are you really this stupid expression move from Rodney back to him. “I was referring to the smell. I was trying to tell if it reminded me of any Earth flowers. It is familiar, but I cannot place it.”
“Oh.” Didn’t he feel stupid. “Right.” John took a big whiff and was instantly carried back to his childhood. “Honeysuckle,” he mumbled. Memories came flooding back, constricting his chest and tightening his throat.
“John?”
John looked up to see his team staring at him as he stood in the field, apparently lost in his thoughts while clutching a pale blue flower. “Oh . . . sorry. Just remembering something.” He passed the flower back to Teyla as he started walking again.
“Did you say . . . ah . . hon . . . hon . . . honeysuckle?” Rodney somehow managed to sneeze out the last part of the word. He seemed dazed by the intensity of it, wobbling a bit on his feet.
John shared a grin with Ronon as the big man helped Rodney dig a pack of tissues out of his pack. “Yeah, honeysuckle. I was just thinking . . . one summer we stayed with my grandparents a while. Honeysuckle grew along the side of the road they lived on and Dave and I used to pick the yellow ones and suck nectar out of the bottom. Mom . . . mom showed us how and sometimes she would go with us. It was kind of nice, just walking along the gravel road and . . . “ John cleared his throat, a little surprised at his stroll down memory lane and looked away from his friends. “That was a long time ago.”
Teyla touched his arm and smiled up at him. “It sounds very nice, John. Those seem like happy memories.”
Swallowing, John pushed the lump in his throat down. “They were. We were . . . things were better back then, when we were kids and mom was still there.” Why was he sharing all of this? And how red was his face?
“Smell and memory are supposed to be tied very closely together, something about the way the ne . . . nerves . . . uh . . . uh” By this time everyone had stopped to stare at Rodney in expectation and he didn’t disappoint, sneezing so many times John lost count. The scientist’s eyes were watering by the time he was done and if Ronon hadn’t been hanging onto his arm, he probably would have fallen over. After blowing his nose, he looked up at his team and sighed. “I hate this planet.”
John knew he did a miserable job of hiding his grin. “Let’s get those plants so we can get Sneezy back home to Doc.”
“Very funny,” Rodney said, his voice now rough and nasally. “Does that make you Snow White?”
“Maybe he’s Goofy,” offered Ronon.
“Wrong cartoon,” said John, stopping now that they had reached the edge of the forest. The canopy was high above them, but the leaves looked huge even at this distance. “Keep going in the same direction?” he asked with a glance at Rodney.
“Yes,” the scientist responded, looking like he was about to sneeze again. “There should be a giant cluster of them just ahead, or at least there used to be.”
John let out a slow breath. “Let’s hope there still is.” They had come to the planet based on a combination of information from the Ancient database as well as from the Athosians. A Pegasus disease known as sarcopsia was currently making its way through the Athosian village as well as Atlantis. It wasn’t typically life threatening, but it was 7-10 days of pure misery, like a souped up version of the flu. And it left people weak and shaky for another week or so after the fever left. Atlantis couldn’t afford for half the military to be out of commission and that’s where they were headed if this didn’t work.
The Hai’sta plant could knock the disease back, lessening the effects and cutting the recovery in half or better according to Teyla’s people. The database on Atlantis said quite a bit of it grew on this planet. They were scheduled to bring a botanist with them, but almost all of the biology department had come down with the disease and were currently confined to bed, along with almost a third of the city.
“It’s a lot cooler in here,” Teyla said.
She was right. John had been starting to get warm, sweat just forming across his hairline when they entered the forest. They lost the breeze, but the thick canopy overhead cut out most of the sunlight, leaving the forest floor dark and cool. At least Rodney had stopped sneezing. He glanced over at the scientist to see how he was holding up.
Rodney’s eyes were bloodshot and watery. He still sniffled occasionally, but had quit having to blow his nose every thirty seconds. “Doing okay there, McKay?”
“Oh, yes, delightful. I love sneezing until my eyeballs just about pop out of my head and I have a nice headache to go along with my running nose and itching eyes. Have any more moronic questions?”
John rolled his lip under and chewed on it, reminding himself that this was just how Rodney handled misery and it wouldn’t help to scold him. He scratched at his right arm, looking down to make sure nothing was crawling on it. His arms felt weird, like ants crawling up and down them, but there was nothing there.
“I see them,” said Teyla, hurrying forward.
John picked up the pace, studying the plants where Teyla had kneeled down and opened her pack. The plant was six inches tall, with six oval leaves radiating out from a central pink and white flower. It looked just like the pictures in the database and John felt the tension in his muscles unwind a little.
“There must be dozens of them,” gasped Rodney.
“We must cut them at the ground,” said Teyla, demonstrating the technique as she harvested the first one. “That will leave the underground root system whole so that more may be produced.”
Nodding, John took his knife and sliced through a stem even with the ground and placed the plant carefully in his pack. “Doc said we would need several dozen at least to make enough of the serum.”
They crawled on their hands and knees for half an hour, working silently except for the sounds of their movement. John’s knees and back were beginning to ache when he zipped up his full pack. Stretching, he rubbed at his reddening arms. The itching and burning had been building for several minutes, as well as a tickle in his throat. He finally gave in and coughed for a few seconds before downing some water from his canteen.
Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, his eyes raked over his team. All of them were scratching at their arms and all of them were developing red whelps. Teyla was also fighting a cough.
Rodney’s eyes went wide as he stopped scratching and John knew that meant he was putting the pieces together. “Oh, no. We’ve picked something up, probably worse than the plague we’re already trying to fight off.”
John sighed. “Judging from all the scratching, it’s probably closer to this planet’s version of poison ivy.”
Ronon looked at his arms and then up to John. “The tall grass?”
“That’s my guess. If we’ve got enough miracle plant, we should probably get back to . . . what’s that noise?” A low buzzing had slowly been building. At first John thought it was in his head, until he saw Ronon tilting his head and frowning like he heard it too.
Teyla arched one brow and looked at Ronon. “Cosna?”
Ronon’s frown deepened. “If so, it’s a lot of them.”
John’s temper grew shorter as the buzzing got louder. “Cosna? What’s that?”
“We are so dead,” whispered Rodney, pointing to an undulating black cloud that seemed to be moving toward them.
“Bees?” John asked, a little surprised at how high a pitch that had come out.
Teyla was already grabbing her pack. “Like bees only much bigger and much more painful. We must hide.” All four of them moved around the clearing, eyes searching for any shelter, anything at all. John saw absolutely nothing and time was running out.
“Water!” Ronon exclaimed, pointing the opposite direction they had come from. “I heard water, like a river. That way.”
“Go,” John yelled, moving in the direction the Satedan had pointed. They ran for several minutes, dodging trees and jumping over roots, the buzzing still behind them. As the river came into view, John could tell it wouldn’t be deep. “Lay flat, try to completely immerse yourself,” he instructed as they threw their packs on the bank and waded in. A sharp pain hit him in the shoulder and he swiped at it, knocking what appeared to be a two inch long bee off his arm. He didn’t need to tell the others as they were already waving their arms around.
“Ow! How do we breathe?” asked Rodney as he plopped down in the water and waved one away from his face.
“Just let your mouth surface and take a quick breath, then go back under, at least until they’re gone.” Then John was lying back and letting the water close over him. After he was settled, the water felt good on his arms and the many places the bees or whatever they were had stung him. He hoped Rodney wasn’t allergic to Pegasus variety bees or he’d be in real trouble.
The river was only about two feet deep at its deepest. John was lying on his back along the rocky bottom, trying not to float to the surface. When he opened his eyes, he thought he could see insects swarming above. Eventually he needed air, so he allowed himself to float up enough his lips broke the surface and he took in a quick breath, sinking back down without causing much of a ripple. The less the surface was disturbed, the more likely the insects were to give up and leave. At least that was what he hoped.
He surfaced several more times before a tickle developed in his throat again. He tried to ignore it, but it just kept getting worse until his chest began feeling constricted and heavy. When he lost the battle to contain it, he burst forth from the water to sit up, coughing and sputtering and then gasping until he could breathe again. Wiping his face, he looked around to find his teammates sitting in the water staring at him.
“I think they’re gone.” Okay, that was a stupid and obvious thing to say, but John couldn’t think of anything else at the moment. He blamed oxygen deprivation.
Rodney was looking around as if he expected the sky to fall on him. He finally nodded and sighed. “I really hate this planet.”
oOo
After everyone was out of the water and it was determined that no one was about to keel over, they began figuring out their next course of action.
“We can’t go back the way we came. Those giant killer bee things might be waiting on us,” said Rodney.
“Agreed,” said Teyla. “We must have been too close to their hive.” Leaning to the side, she squeezed excess water from her ponytail and then suddenly straightened, launching into a coughing fit. When she finished, the next few breaths were loud and wheezy. Ronon handed her a canteen.
“You okay?” John asked. He was well aware that his own chest felt heavy and his breaths seemed labored and congested. Rodney was eyeing the two of them like they’d sprouted wings.
“What’s wrong with you two? You’ve both been coughing and rattling when you breathe like some old smoker with emphysema. Are you sick?” Rodney asked.
“They smelled those flowers,” said Ronon. “Those plants made our arms itch because we all touched them walking through the field, but Teyla and Sheppard are the only ones that smelled the flowers.”
Rodney’s mouth dropped open for a moment as he stared at Ronon. “You’re right. I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first.”
“Better watch out Rodney or Chewie here’ll give you a run for your money,” said John, keeping his face straight. Rodney’s jaw flopped open and closed a couple of times and then he just shook his head and waved his hand at John.
“I’ll have you know . . . “ Rodney’s eyebrows shot up and he sat down hard, yanking at his pant leg until he finally pulled the wet garment up to his knee. “Oh, that’s . . . get it off, get it off!”
John joined the others as they crowded around Rodney while he yelled and waved his hand at his leg. John groaned when he saw the problem. Three huge leeches, at least they looked like leeches, were stuck to the scientist’s leg. The man’s eyes widened even further when his hand brushed against the other leg. “Oh no, I think there are more on the other leg.”
Ronon grunted and crossed his arms. “I’m guessing we all have some. We’d better get them off before they become too attached. If you leave them too long, you have to dig them out.”
John could only watch as all the color drained from Rodney’s face and his lids fluttered and closed, his entire body wilting sideways onto the forest floor.
“Well,” the pilot said. “That could have gone better.” He’d never admit it, but he was feeling a little weak-kneed himself. What was it with blood and life sucking critters in this galaxy?
The leeches turned out to be sort of a cross between a leech and a giant tick, although John spared Rodney that little tidbit. Teyla and Ronon showed him how to properly remove the parasite without causing too much damage and they all worked to remove Rodney’s little cluster before he woke up. It just seemed the humane thing to do, especially for them. It took almost an hour to deleech everyone and clean the wounds so they could get back on the road. If only there actually was a road.
“Okay, Mr. Team Leader, how are we getting back to Atlantis?” asked Rodney.
John looked at Ronon. “I was thinking follow the river a while, in case our friends return, and then veer off back towards the gate.”
Ronon nodded. “I was thinking the same thing. I’d rather not run into the cosna again.”
“How will we know when to veer and what direction to head?” asked Rodney, patting down his body while trying to look like he wasn’t.
“Ronon will know,” said Teyla, giving the former runner a nod.
“I don’t understand how . . . oh,” Rodney said. Sometimes it took a while, but the scientist usually caught on to these things. “Guess we should start walking then.”
John picked up his pack, briefly checking it over for things that bite or sting before throwing it over his shoulder. “Guess we should. And don’t worry, Rodney, we got them all. We can’t have you fainting on us.”
“Passed out, colonel, probably from shock and blood loss.”
“I’m going with shock,” said Ronon with a chuckle.
“Oh, shut up,” snapped Rodney. “Surely this day couldn’t get any worse.”
oOo
“You just had to say it, didn’t you McKay?” asked John, dodging another stink bomb thrown from the canopy above them.
“This is not my fault,” Rodney barked, yelping as a wet clump slammed into his back.
“Crap,” John said as he was nailed in the shoulder. The smell that close to his face almost made him gag.
“Yes, colonel, we’re well aware of what it is,” said Rodney, successfully dodging a ball of poop.
“This way,” Ronon yelled. No one questioned it, they just ran after the big man as he bobbed and weaved through the trees.
Apparently the Pegasus Galaxy had their own version of howler monkeys, who were now very agitated. Agitated monkeys made lots of noise in the form of extremely loud screaming growls while pummeling the creatures below with excrement. And it stunk. A lot.
After several minutes of running, they came to a stop near a cluster of large rocks. John was so short of breath that he quickly threw himself on the first rock before he passed out. Leaning forward with his hands on his knees for support, he sucked in air as fast as he was able, trying to chase away the graying edge of his vision. His lungs felt heavy and full and he could hear the rattle as he drew in each breath.
His breathing finally evened out to the point he began to notice other things. Like sensations of itching, burning, and stinging coming from nearly every square inch of his body. And Teyla still red-faced and out of breath, something that never happened. “Teyla?”
Her eyes came up to meet his and she nodded. “I will be fine. I seem to be . . . a little short of breath.”
“Yeah,” he chuckled. “I know what you mean. Rodney, Ronon. What about you guys?”
Rodney grimaced. “I itch and I’m exhausted and I hurt from where those giant bees stung us and I’m covered in monkey feces. How do you I think I am?”
John looked at the fuming scientist a minute and then shifted his eyes to Ronon, who shrugged his shoulders as if all of this were an everyday occurrence. “I’m good.”
Rodney threw his arms up and sighed and then walked around in a circle a couple of times. “Can we at least wash the stink off us? I’m not sure they’ll let us in the gateroom smelling like this. And does anyone even know where we are any more?”
They had left the river behind a while before attack of the monkeys and John was pretty sure they had run away from the river, not toward it. He looked at Ronon. “I’m thinking we need to just head to the gate.”
“River is in the opposite direction of the gate and we’re closer to the gate than the river. We should keep going to the gate. You and Teyla need to see a doctor.”
“At this point I think we could all use a doctor,” John muttered. “And a long, hot shower.”
“And a hot meal,” added Rodney.
John had to smile at that. “And a hot meal,” John echoed. “Let’s go home, preferably before something else comes after us.”
They walked another half hour, at which point John wondered how off course their little evading sessions had taken them. He wiped another layer of sweat from his face and then slapped at the tiny insect snacking on his neck. Their nice temperate climate had taken a turn for the steamy and John was beginning to droop. “Break.”
Ronon arched an eyebrow at him, but everyone else just sighed and reached for their water. John leaned against a tree, closing his eyes as he tried to catch up his oxygen supply. Breathing didn’t feel right. It was similar to when he’d had pneumonia, but there was something else. It just seemed that every single breath was a huge effort and then he didn’t even get the needed amount of oxygen. At the sound of approaching footsteps, he opened his eyes.
Rodney stared at him for a moment, a slight frown deepening as he watched his friend. “Let me know if it gets bad. We have epi pens and I think that might be where you’re headed. Teyla too. Ronon’s checking on her. The field with the gate is just ahead, so hang in there a little longer.”
John nodded, not wanting to waste breath on the response. Ronon was helping Teyla back to her feet, so John took that as his cue to get moving and pushed off the tree. They had only gone a few yards when he saw the trees thinning out ahead. Thank goodness.
They had just reached the tree line when Ronon stopped and held up his fist, spinning around with his gun drawn. Rodney opened his mouth and then closed it when Ronon put a finger to his lips and shook his head. They all stood in silence, listening and looking around. John had just gotten his breathing where it didn’t sound like a windstorm in his head when he heard it. He peered through the trees, looking for the source of the rustling noise. A flash of brown fur was accompanied by a low growl. Rodney’s face went white.
John pointed to each team member and then toward the gate. They moved out of the forest as a group, slowly, silently, their backs to their teammates. His heart racing wildly in his chest, John was pretty sure he was on the adrenalin rush of all time. Sweat dripped in his eyes and he blinked furiously to clear his vision. The growling and rustling had increased exponentially as they eased out into the open field. It wasn’t if the creatures attacked, but when and how hard.
John jerked his P-90 to the left, firing at the animal bounding toward him and the battle was on. The sound of their collective gunfire echoed in his head, the smell of gunpowder strong all around him. There seemed to be dozens of them, jumping and running all around his team, drawing fire in one direction so another could sneak in the area left open. They looked like really big hyenas with wide heads and lots of teeth.
A yelp from his right brought John around to see one of the animals had latched onto Rodney’s left leg. He shot the animal several times and it dropped, its teeth momentarily catching in the fabric of Rodney’s pants. The scientist let out a squeal as he kicked and danced around until the dead carcass fell away.
John brought his gun back around just in time to get knocked to the ground, losing his grip on the weapon. His arms came up immediately, pushing the beast away from its intended target, his neck. Jaws of another one clamped down on his calf and he yelled, kicking with all his might to dislodge it. He was caught between a rock and a hard place, unable to go for his gun without leaving his neck open to attack. Red light from Ronon’s gun hit the animal trying to rip out his throat and it went down, allowing him to grab his 9mm and dispatch the one making another run at his leg.
Wheeling around with his gun extended and looking for a target, he realized the field was silent. His team members were slowly spinning around in search of any sign of attack. The only sound was that of their labored breaths. Dead animals littered that side of the meadow and the smell of blood was so heavy he thought he could taste it. “Everyone okay?”
After a pause, Rodney sighed and lowered his gun. “If by okay you mean alive, but mangled, then yes.”
John nodded and holstered his gun. Ronon pulled him to his feet and he studied his team. Mangled was right. They were all sweaty, dirty, and covered with stinky monkey doo. Arms and faces were red with whelps from the plants and bee stings. He and Teyla could barely breathe. They all had multiple bites and deep scratches from the alien hyenas and holes under their clothes from the leeches.
Rodney sneezed. He opened his mouth to say something, but sneezed five more times instead. Wiping his nose on the back of his hand, he smeared dirt across his face (at least John hoped it was dirt). Realizing what he had just done, the scientist sighed and bowed his head. “Can we go home? I really hate this planet.”
John couldn’t agree more. He looked at the stargate, sitting peacefully across the field, pretty flowers bobbing in the breeze. “I’d say let’s run for it, but I don’t think I have the energy.”
Exhaustion left them making slow and heavy steps toward their goal. A low growl from behind may have hurried them along slightly as they neared their destination. John was never so glad to dial Atlantis, or at least not any time in recent history. When the wormhole whooshed out, Rodney sneezed at it. After sending the IDC, he continued to sneeze until they emerged in the gateroom of Atlantis.
Guards and technicians alike stood dumbfounded, their mouths gaping at the sight before them. John looked up to find Elizabeth staring at them. Shaking her head, she tapped the radio at her ear and called for a medical team before heading down the steps. He didn’t so much hear the call as read her lips and how sad was it that he recognized the action, all the way down to her annoyed yet worried expression. Sighing, he realized the adrenalin rush from before was ebbing out and leaving him shaky in its wake. He needed a hot shower, food, some drugs . . . okay, a lot of drugs, and bed.
Elizabeth hit the bottom step and stopped, her nose wrinking as her eyes narrowed. “What is that smell?”
oOo
It took a couple of hours to get the team scrubbed, scanned, and properly medicated. They were all confined to beds in the infirmary, what with their itchy hives and alien bee stings and mauled limbs. Everyone got their fair share of stitches, anti-itch cream, and antibiotics. John and Teyla got nasal cannulas due to the severe asthma-like symptoms produced by the flower pollen. Ronon had a little swelling of his respiratory passages that Carson wanted to keep an eye on. Rodney had apparently sneezed so much that his lungs were the clearest. Of course his hives were the worst.
John was so doped up from all the medicine Carson had given him that he could barely keep his eyes open. He kept dozing off with his fork halfway to his mouth and dropping it back on the tray. The resulting crash would wake him up and he’d start all over again. At least he didn’t have to worry about his team laughing at him because they were all in the same boat. Even Ronon. The big guy had let his arm roll into his mashed potatoes twice, not that John was confident enough in his sparring skills to make fun of the Satedan.
“Colonel, are you finished with that?”
“Hmm? What?” John blinked a few times, eventually managing to turn his head toward the voice. Amy smiled at him, pushing a lock of her short, brown hair behind her ear.
“Are you finished eating?” she said, nodding toward his tray.
It took entirely too much energy for John to turn his head back around to look at the half finished tray in front of him. To be honest, he was still a little hungry, but at some point he’d leaned back against the pile of pillows and gotten extremely comfortable. The itching and burning from before had been significantly reduced by some of the same meds that were about to knock him out. He felt so much better than before that he was okay with that.
“Sir, can I take your tray?” Now Amy was really grinning, probably at his inability to focus.
“Mmm, yeah, okay.” John found the energy to wave his hand. He was checking out that his team was still in the surrounding beds when suddenly Amy and his tray were gone. Carson was taking his pulse and studying him.
“Back with us I see,” he said, easing the colonel’s arm down by his side.
“Did I go somewhere?” John had definitely lost some time in there.
“You tell me.”
John snorted. “So, did we get what you guys needed?” He suddenly had this horrible idea that maybe they had gathered the wrong plant or they didn’t get enough or the plant got so mutilated in their packs from all the chaos that they were unusable. He really didn’t want to ever set foot on that planet again. Plus it would be a while before he could walk on the leg that hyena had chewed up like a wad of gum. Maybe he could send Lorne. But he’d probably have to wait until the man recovered from the stupid flu thing first.
“Colonel?” Beckett was eyeing him kind of like he did when John was turning into a bug.
“What?”
The doctor grinned, his eyes dancing. “I keep losing you. In answer to your question, yes, your team provided us with more than enough of the plant. We should have a batch of the treatment ready to go in a few hours. Now I think it’s best you get some sleep.”
John sighed and leaned his head back against the pillow. “Couldn’t agree more, doc.”
Carson patted his arm and left, mumbling something about his team needing a keeper. John grinned, warm in the assurance that his team was safe and home. They were in a small room in the back of the infirmary because the main ward was crowded with sick people. That was okay with John because it made checking on his people easy.
Ronon was directly across from him, lying on his back with his mouth open. And snoring like a fog horn. John found the sound reassuring because he knew Ronon only snored when he was really relaxed. Teyla’s bed was next to Ronon’s. He couldn’t see her face because she was lying on her side facing the wall, but the regular breathing told him she was asleep. The fact that he could no longer hear her wheezing meant the medicine had helped her as much as it had him.
Rodney was in the bed next to him, tossing and turning. John was just about to doze off when the scientist sat straight up in bed, wrestling with his IV.
“Honestly,” he said in a loud whisper. “How can she sleep through that? More importantly, how are we supposed to sleep through that?”
“Just don’t go to sleep before I do or I’ll have to listen to both of you snore,” John replied with a straight face.
There it was. That look of pure indignation that no one could do like Rodney McKay. “I do not snore. And if I did, it wouldn’t sound like that.”
John lifted his head to glance at Ronon and then dropped back down to his pillow. “Yeah, I think you’re right. You do snore louder.”
He could feel Rodney staring at him, but refused to look at the physicist. “I hate you. I hate you almost as much as I hate that stupid planet.” He plopped back in the bed. “I’m locking that place out of the dialing database as soon as we’re out of here.”
“What if they need more of that plant?” John asked before yawning so wide his jaw cracked.
“Humph. We brought back enough of that stuff to wipe that Pegasus flu out of existence. If they really need more, someone else can go back to the Planet of Doom.”
“Is that your official . . . .” John jerked awake and lifted his head, looking around the room as he reached for the gun he didn’t have. “What?”
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Okay, that was just pathetic. Go back to sleep now.”
John grunted and closed his eyes. Planet of Doom. It was actually a pretty good description of the place. “I might just let you name this one,” he mumbled.
“Whatever. Go to sleep before you hurt yourself.”
Just as John drifted off, he heard a loud snort from Ronon. “Are you guys still awake? Quit talking.”
“Who can sleep with all that snoring? Hey, since you’re awake, what do you think about calling that place the Planet of Doom?”
There was a rustling followed by a thud and a yelp. “Hey, what was that for?”
Rolling over, John pulled the pillow over his ears and let the muffled sounds of his team, safe and secure and arguing, lull him to sleep.
THE END