Another chance.
For the past few months, a lot has happened that evidently altered my entire world. I won't lie, when it was all unraveling right before my eyes, I refused to place blame on myself. I could not understand why it was all happening, but it must have been something they did, not me. I would try to look at my actions, but I would find no fault in them. It wasn't until I was forced to reflect on my actions and the consequences that resulted from them, did I realize where I went wrong. It stemmed back to who I was from the very beginning. A former friend of mine was the first to shed light on issues that I have since struggled with. He said, "you are hesitant to take your own advice and believe in yourself. You have this need of having to go to other people to form your own judgment and you have this obsession of pleasing other people and the only way you see yourself accomplishing this is by letting them into every detail of your life." I never believed him and our friendship eventually faltered because to him, I had violated his trust and divulged information that was supposed to be between us. At the time, I didn't take it as much of a loss because I blamed him. I, eventually, moved on and I refused to change anything about myself. Nobody could tell me what was wrong with me. I was happy with who I was and it seemed to be working out for me.
Now, almost two years later, I find myself close to the same situation I was then. Only this time, these obsessions of mine have finally caught up with me. The people I strove to please have turned their backs and I couldn't grasp the idea of why. I risked losing one of the very few people I feel closest now to for the very same reason another gave up on me for. In the end, I haven't changed at all. I have always been that selfish person, always wanting acceptance and approval from everybody else, casting aside the thoughts of those who really mattered. Nothing has worked out for me because I refused to see the real picture in front of me. It wasn't until I had barely anyone left that I came to terms with my own demons.
Where do I go from here? Throughout this experience, I realized whose friendships I cherished and in every friendship, I never felt the need to please any of them. They were the ones that stayed behind. A lot still questioned me, but they were the only ones that pushed me to reevaluate myself. I had finally come to understand the faults that I have committed against people who were in my life in the past. I, however, do not see myself going back and mending them. I don't regret the decisions that I have made or the actions I have taken because it made me value what I have today. All I can do now is take what I have learned and work on the friendships I have now, regardless of how few they are. I'm no longer angry nor do I harbour any more sentiments. I'm ready to close a chapter in my journal and begin a new one.
Now, almost two years later, I find myself close to the same situation I was then. Only this time, these obsessions of mine have finally caught up with me. The people I strove to please have turned their backs and I couldn't grasp the idea of why. I risked losing one of the very few people I feel closest now to for the very same reason another gave up on me for. In the end, I haven't changed at all. I have always been that selfish person, always wanting acceptance and approval from everybody else, casting aside the thoughts of those who really mattered. Nothing has worked out for me because I refused to see the real picture in front of me. It wasn't until I had barely anyone left that I came to terms with my own demons.
Where do I go from here? Throughout this experience, I realized whose friendships I cherished and in every friendship, I never felt the need to please any of them. They were the ones that stayed behind. A lot still questioned me, but they were the only ones that pushed me to reevaluate myself. I had finally come to understand the faults that I have committed against people who were in my life in the past. I, however, do not see myself going back and mending them. I don't regret the decisions that I have made or the actions I have taken because it made me value what I have today. All I can do now is take what I have learned and work on the friendships I have now, regardless of how few they are. I'm no longer angry nor do I harbour any more sentiments. I'm ready to close a chapter in my journal and begin a new one.