(no subject)
Everytime I read through all of my old entries I convince myself that it's time to recommit to Livejournal. To read through some of it is kind of silly and awkward... but there are other things that I am incredibly glad I documented, whether privately or publically.
It stirs up an urge to recount the past several months of my life- because quite frankly these past few months have been ridiculous.. I've experienced the good, the bad, the heart-wrenching, the spontaneous, the fulfilling, the out of character, the expected, the unexpected...
Life has just been weird- and conveniently enough it all started at the beginning of the year, so I have a nice starting point..
January broght a lot of heartache. Matt and I spent most of the month ending our 4 year relationship, in fact it all 'started' the night before our anniversary. (I guess I should use the term 'started' loosely.. because things had been falling apart for some time) The split was "mutual".. but incredibly difficult nonetheless. I fully embraced the role of the newly single twenty-something female for a few weeks.. sulking, sleeping, crying.. lather, rinse, repeat.. It hurt in that way you always hear about... where it somehow permeates every part of life and even has physical manifestations. Fortunately all that mess was rather brief. Stacey Barrett came to my rescue as my breakup buddy.. convinced me that I'm a superfox and picked my ass off the ground in more ways than I think she knows. Seriously.. at this point people just started coming out of the woodwork and expressing support in ways I wouldn't have expected. I learned a lot about the true value and beauty of good friends in the few weeks following the break up.. and I hope that those lessons learned don't fall by the wayside when I'm involved in future relationships.
January also brought the frightening and heartbreaking decline of Papa's heath. On Inaguration Day, Joe and I were driving to Taco Bell to get our 20 cent tacos when Dad called and told us that Papa only had days to live. We were told that he was in the hospital and that his aortic aneurysm had started leaking. Needless to say, this is the moment I had dreaded for so, so long- and in an instant our world was kind of upside down. We raced to the hospital to gather at his bedside with the rest of the family- and tried to choke down the reality that these were our final moments with a man who has been such a rock, such an inspiration, such a loving and giving grandparent. I remember sitting with him on that night as he was 'dying'... I watched him reach in to his wallet and pick out $5 bills for me and Joe, lol. I remember him sitting there as we're all staring at him with teary eyes and saying that maybe the tests were wrong.. maybe it wasn't leaking.. maybe they saw something else. I remember thinking that one of my worst fears was being realized, and that this man was going to die without being ready. I always assumed that Papa would go when he himself surrendered.. but there was no surrendering that night. Papa wanted to live... and he did. We stayed at the hospital over the course of the next few days only to realize that the old man was actually right- and someone had read test results incorrectly. Papa had a laundry list of problems- but a leaking aneurysm wasn't on that list. He stayed in the hospital for a little while, and was then transferred to the Oakbridge Assisted Living Facility- where he actually continues to stay. It's been up and down with him since January. We've been called in on two other occassions where he was not expected to make it- and yet he continues to fight. At this point we've all come to the acceptance that his time is quickly approaching.. and goodbyes have been said and established as best they can. I try to spend as much time with him as I can and refuse to take a moment of that sweet old man for granted. We've looked at pictures together, exchanged some stories.. and most importantly I can honestly say that I've told him to his face just how much I love him, how much I admire him, and how lucky I consider mysel to be his granddaughter.
In early February I went to Kentucky to visit Melissa and Aaron. With the exception of some unexpected flight anxiety- this was an awesome trip. I really enjoyed the quality time with good friends, and was able to put a lot of clear, productive thought into the Matt situation. I came home knowing that we weren't supposed to be together- that I no longer had to question if we were doing the right thing by breaking up. Upon coming home I called Matt- and to my relief he said he felt the same way. We had some really great conversations- and while it was still weird adjusting to being alone, I felt really good about the way things had ended. During this time I also had a weird, undefined pseudo-romance with a guy I know through both my brother and Stacey. We talked, watched a lot of LOST together (Oh yeah- I started watching Lost!) made out on a few occasions and had a 'text message' thing going on. Even attempting to describe this situation is awkward and lame.. Basically, it boiled down to: I met an awesome guy who is actually a good friend now- but we tried to make it more than that only to discover that we didn't have the necessary chemistry. Simple enough, I suppose.
March was a headache of a month. School did an appropriate amount of stressing me out, and life threw some interesting curveballs.. I encountered some personal struggles this month that made me evaluate a lot of things about myself- and while I came out of all of it happier and better off for it- it was not fun to go through at the time. This is also the month that changed things with me and Matt. I had been so contented by his mutual desire to break off and move on- and was not pleased to find him once again at my doorstep- begging for another chance. All the sudden Matt Mead transformed into this emotional, vulnerable individual- and I have been dealing with it ever since. He says he loves me- he screwed up.... he says everything you'd expect a man to say. He goes as far to say that he wants to get married now and buy a house and have kids and... bah. I dont even want to get into this fully. I hate it. I really do. I want to be Matts friend- I absolutely do. But coming out of a relationship with him left me with a shattered self esteem and a broken sense of self- and I will be damned if I'll jump right back into that situation. The longing to be with Matt isn't even kind of there- but of course I can't just out and tell him that. I dont want to hurt feelings- I don't want to be the bad guy. So I play nice... and I also deal with him calling and texting and talking to all of our mutual friends about how he wants to get me back. *Sigh*
March also catered to my often surpressed desire to embrace bouts of sponteneity. By this I'm trying to tell you... I went and got my nipples pierced, lol. It was a random, yet exciting decision- and I couldn't be happier that I did it, honestly. I'm now toying with the idea of a few other piercings... and no- that isn't one of them.
I feel like I'm skipping some things I'd like to write down- but let's be honest.. this is long as crap. It's so long, in fact- that I'll give you a dollar if you're still reading. If not- well then it sucks for you because you just missed the part about me piercing my nipples! Anyway..
April was not a bad month, but like the other months thus far- it really wasn't good. The situation with Papa has continued to hang like a dense fog over the family, and it's hard to feel that everything's completely okay when he's sick and as a result Mom is tired, stressed, and worn completely thin. We haven't spent as much time together as a family over the past few months.. we realize it.. we hate it... but unfortunately there's litte that can change it right now.
April did have some really great moments though- I continued to attend Access, which is a relatively young, contemporary church community in Lakeland- I've really enjoyed it over the past month or so and hope to make some good connections there.
On Easter I got the opportunity to FLY A PLANE. I'm not even kidding- I flew a freaking plane. If you want proof please promptly direct yourself to either my Myspace or Facebook page where I have included not only photos, but a video. Awesome, I know..
April also continued the streak of awesome times spent with Stacey, her boyfriend Joel, and a new crowd of people I've been hanging around... additionally, April concluded one hell of a spring semester. I finished up both of my writing classes the last week of April, with high As, of course ;-) I was fortunate to have two really good classes this semester.. My professors were insightful, knowledgeable and encouraging.. the coursework was applicable, enjoyable, and almost challenging.. I couldnt have asked for a better term. It's a bittersweet thing though.. I've made great progress over the past few months but am coming down to the very end of my major coursework completion. After only two more classes- no more English Department for me! Sad =(
May has just begun, but already it has been unlike any of the other months. I feel like it has the potential to be a really good 31 days- but I suppose we'll have to wait and see. There's more I could put here- but I feel caught up enough to leave it at this for now because 1.. I'm ready to go home! and 2... I intend on keeping this thing up now so I don't have to write a freaking novella once every year and a half or so =)