(no subject)
Something's wrong, I don't feel upset, i don't feel angry, I don't really feel anything atm, I don't know what it is. Some people may say this is relaxed, but it's not, I'm thinking too much, and looking at stuff that would normally upset me. I seem to be searchnig facebook for something of him, or about him, but I won't cos I blocked him. I don't know why I'm doing this. :S
I don't think I've let go of him, I can talk about memories I have of the physical stuff that happened quite easily, but not the emotional stuff. I can't hear his name, or read it. My friends have picked up on it and say his name with either uncetainty, or look at me liek I'm gonig to break if they say it wrong.
I dont like being online, I go on to talk to my friends, and to keep in contact, but I look at the side bar of contacts and he's not there. I don't want him to be there, but I don't want him to not be there either. I'm sick of coming on here and complaining about him. I havent seen the guy in a month and i still come here to tell all the feelings i hide to my friends. I feel like if i go to them now with anything about this I'm jsut gonig to bore them, and they'll get sick of me. It must be getting tedious by now.
How do you know if you're depressed? Pathetic sounding I know. I wish more people i know from college read my blog, and not just D occasionally. I'm tired. Tired of trying to keep on a brave face, tired of being upset over someone who doesn't care about me. Why do I still care? Why do I bother thinking about him?
People who're close to me will know about the "imaginary friends" story, get me to explain how this is relavent?
I miss him, I miss the person he was when we first met, vulnerable, caring, funny. I miss being so comfortable with someone, and them knowing everything, having someone i could tell all my troubles to without being too much of a burden. I miss his eyes, his voice when he talked quietly, having someone to tell em that they loved me. Even if it was a lie :/
Nothing was perfect, the relationship was doomed to fail, there was no trust, but it doesnt mean i dont miss certain aspects.
I just can't face the possibility of someone hurting me this much ever again.