(no subject)
its been almost 5 months. it's felt like a year.
and i'm slipping.
i'm going down hill. and all it takes is the sound of your voice.
and i've lost everything with a whisper
but she loves me. and i can't disappoint.
i feel it in her lips as they press desperately against my head where whats hair is left hovers. and i don't want to be the one who needs help, but i'm such a mess.
i haven't been this much of a mess in a long time. about 6 - 7 months.
and my throat hurts from crying and my whole body feels like its aching for a relapse.
and i have to fight this, all my life, i have to...
but i see her with him
and i die a little. not because i want to be him and be with her, no. thats not it at all. its because its all i ever wanted to be in love, a relationship. but i wouldn't subject anyone to this.
and now that i'm a big mess again. i don't want anyone to have to deal with it.
i just can't do anything but cry.
because i'm being crushed bone by bone
by where i've been and where i now call home.
who i was and who i've become.
and that ghost of me, still hovers waiting to replace this sense of self that seems dream-like and temporary.
if she wasn't here, would i still be looking for love in between womens legs?
the answer to that question scares me. but all i ever wanted was someone to care.
for love not to equal sex. and for my father to stop putting his hands on me.
and i'd never had someone to call. i'm not used to this whole friends that actually are good people thing. not completely atleast. and most of all, i'm not used to asking for something and then actually getting it.
i called her and emily and they actually showed up. i'm not used to people showing up. its so simple and yet it means the world. to me.
i'm just...less alone than before, but still very very much alone.
and freezing in the rochester snow, drawing '<3's and hate in the powdery ice.
i hate this place i can't escape that comes on back, on its bitter embrace. i love it i hate it, the people here don't know it.
they know me as charismatic, nice, brave, strong, and artistic and articulate; how am i supposed to break it to them that
this other side
is starting to eat me alive
the one i've been longing to hide.
the asshole, the malicious intent, the manipulation, the blank face, the lack of regret, the deceit, the lies, the depression, the wanting to die.they just don't know.
and i miss her because she knew. but i'm not strong enough to rebuild it the right way and i'm not strong enough not to fall back into place. i hate this.
i'm such a mess.
and i'm slipping.
i'm going down hill. and all it takes is the sound of your voice.
and i've lost everything with a whisper
but she loves me. and i can't disappoint.
i feel it in her lips as they press desperately against my head where whats hair is left hovers. and i don't want to be the one who needs help, but i'm such a mess.
i haven't been this much of a mess in a long time. about 6 - 7 months.
and my throat hurts from crying and my whole body feels like its aching for a relapse.
and i have to fight this, all my life, i have to...
but i see her with him
and i die a little. not because i want to be him and be with her, no. thats not it at all. its because its all i ever wanted to be in love, a relationship. but i wouldn't subject anyone to this.
and now that i'm a big mess again. i don't want anyone to have to deal with it.
i just can't do anything but cry.
because i'm being crushed bone by bone
by where i've been and where i now call home.
who i was and who i've become.
and that ghost of me, still hovers waiting to replace this sense of self that seems dream-like and temporary.
if she wasn't here, would i still be looking for love in between womens legs?
the answer to that question scares me. but all i ever wanted was someone to care.
for love not to equal sex. and for my father to stop putting his hands on me.
and i'd never had someone to call. i'm not used to this whole friends that actually are good people thing. not completely atleast. and most of all, i'm not used to asking for something and then actually getting it.
i called her and emily and they actually showed up. i'm not used to people showing up. its so simple and yet it means the world. to me.
i'm just...less alone than before, but still very very much alone.
and freezing in the rochester snow, drawing '<3's and hate in the powdery ice.
i hate this place i can't escape that comes on back, on its bitter embrace. i love it i hate it, the people here don't know it.
they know me as charismatic, nice, brave, strong, and artistic and articulate; how am i supposed to break it to them that
this other side
is starting to eat me alive
the one i've been longing to hide.
the asshole, the malicious intent, the manipulation, the blank face, the lack of regret, the deceit, the lies, the depression, the wanting to die.they just don't know.
and i miss her because she knew. but i'm not strong enough to rebuild it the right way and i'm not strong enough not to fall back into place. i hate this.
i'm such a mess.