(no subject)
Sometimes I wonder if I were to just disappear from earth, would anyone miss me, let alone even realize that I was gone? Sometimes it gets hard to believe that anyone would. It seems that no matter how hard I try for anything, I get the shitty end of it all and I get all the names and the second hand crap. I'm sorry I wasn't born male and that I can't be what you want me to be. Sometimes just staring at all the meds I take makes me wonder if it is even worth trying to live when I need all these artificial things to keep me here alive. If I were meant to live, then why would I need all these things to keep me alive. Sometimes it's hard to get people to understand that it's not polite to stare when you see someone taking more than one pill, I'm not a pillpusher, I'm just seriously sick. I hate when people watch me take a shot, I'm not shooting up, I'm trying not to die. But even when they are trying not to look, I can see them looking out the corner of their eyes and all their little snickers that that make towards me.
Then of course, there can't be one day without someone who is supposed to care for me calling me a bitch. I have done nothing to anyone and yet I am continued to be called such horrific names as if it is supposed to make them feel more superior over me. When deep down, it makes me feel as if they are better than myself. I sometimes wonder if I was meant to be at the bottom and take everyone shit from them and not say anything about it. If I say something then worse names are used against me and make me feel more like shit. Sometimes I wish I could just move and get away from all of this, start over with a new life. One where I am not tormented for shit I didn't even do and no one knows anything about me so they can't judge me based on what they have heard from others words. But I know that can never be.
Then of course, there can't be one day without someone who is supposed to care for me calling me a bitch. I have done nothing to anyone and yet I am continued to be called such horrific names as if it is supposed to make them feel more superior over me. When deep down, it makes me feel as if they are better than myself. I sometimes wonder if I was meant to be at the bottom and take everyone shit from them and not say anything about it. If I say something then worse names are used against me and make me feel more like shit. Sometimes I wish I could just move and get away from all of this, start over with a new life. One where I am not tormented for shit I didn't even do and no one knows anything about me so they can't judge me based on what they have heard from others words. But I know that can never be.