(no subject)
I did it again.
I let myself get hurt, again. And I'm sick if that.
I guess I dont know when, at what point, I am supposed to stop listening to my heart and let my brain take over. I have always tried and, thought that I have achieved it, been a rational person. I think of myself who is smart enough to realize that any situation can turn to favor me when I analyze and meditate on the outcome that will suit me best and offer me the most happiness. But I also try to trust my instincts because I only can trust myself and my instincts represent the part of me that is carnal and can't be influenced. But are my sinstincts controlled by my heart then? I don't know, but if so then they have both let me down. And I hate that and that sucks because who then can I turn to? I have no reply to that. And I hate that too. It's not enough to want it all to be easy. You have ot make it easy. I do always believe that situations can be simplified rather easily, but this time, this fuck up was an easy one to call, but I ignored it.
I suppose that what it comes down to was the smartest thing to do from the beginning. But I wasn't able to realize that and for that, I blame my heart. The sad fact that I was always pushing out of my mind was that she is 16 years old. I thought that the differance between us was minimal, but I was wrong. I should have seen it. I still beleive that she is more mature than I was at 16, but being 19, I should have seen the porblems that would arise. But oh well. I have been having a hard time trying to rationalize the whole situation and placing blame. I mean, I know that the blame must lie with me, but just WHERE did I do wrong? In the end though it was the fact that she's 16 and I'm 19. I have things that she just doesn't, can't and never will right now. I am smart. I know what I want and I do fuck around getting it. I don't lie, send mixed messages or try to do manipulate situations to make them easier for myself. I always treated her with the most respect possible and that was something she never did for me. She never could just lay down hre cards and tell me what she wanted and rationalize with me what it would take for us to get to the point that I wanted and she said she wanted too. I never played games, or tried to make things go my way. I never took advantage of her and never let her down. But she did all of those things to me and I don't think she ever did or ever will feel sorry for them. She always said sorry, but I never felt it geniune and that was one thing I think I was correct about.
Is my heart broken? Yes... and no. I suppose the dramatic in me would say yes, the romantic too. But the rationalist (who I'm tring to put above all others) would say no. The optimist in me says it's no big deal. But the little part of my brain that has ached with depression in the past is twitching with its all to familiar feelings of sorrow and self-doubt. I don't know how much time I'm gonna need to get over this one, but I want to keep positive because I don't want the frown lines in my forties to be caused by things like this.
I just wish Andee would answer my calls, I need her so much right now. This whole ordeal has taken a lot out of me and I need to be rejuvenated my the laughter she causes and the good times she reminds me are to come.
At my core, (and this is deep honsesty)(so don't make fun of me ever for it), I am still a boy who is becoming a man, and who just wants to be loved and taken care of. I need to be care for and I need to find one person, just one person, who I know I can trust. But I am so doubtful that that person will over come that I am turning into the megative cynic that hides his pain and self-doubt and depression with the laughter that I can't get to come out of my mouth, but substitute by causing it the the people I still have left around me. So few they are though. A dying species really.
I just can't wait for my apartment and for school to start. I need the distraction.
I let myself get hurt, again. And I'm sick if that.
I guess I dont know when, at what point, I am supposed to stop listening to my heart and let my brain take over. I have always tried and, thought that I have achieved it, been a rational person. I think of myself who is smart enough to realize that any situation can turn to favor me when I analyze and meditate on the outcome that will suit me best and offer me the most happiness. But I also try to trust my instincts because I only can trust myself and my instincts represent the part of me that is carnal and can't be influenced. But are my sinstincts controlled by my heart then? I don't know, but if so then they have both let me down. And I hate that and that sucks because who then can I turn to? I have no reply to that. And I hate that too. It's not enough to want it all to be easy. You have ot make it easy. I do always believe that situations can be simplified rather easily, but this time, this fuck up was an easy one to call, but I ignored it.
I suppose that what it comes down to was the smartest thing to do from the beginning. But I wasn't able to realize that and for that, I blame my heart. The sad fact that I was always pushing out of my mind was that she is 16 years old. I thought that the differance between us was minimal, but I was wrong. I should have seen it. I still beleive that she is more mature than I was at 16, but being 19, I should have seen the porblems that would arise. But oh well. I have been having a hard time trying to rationalize the whole situation and placing blame. I mean, I know that the blame must lie with me, but just WHERE did I do wrong? In the end though it was the fact that she's 16 and I'm 19. I have things that she just doesn't, can't and never will right now. I am smart. I know what I want and I do fuck around getting it. I don't lie, send mixed messages or try to do manipulate situations to make them easier for myself. I always treated her with the most respect possible and that was something she never did for me. She never could just lay down hre cards and tell me what she wanted and rationalize with me what it would take for us to get to the point that I wanted and she said she wanted too. I never played games, or tried to make things go my way. I never took advantage of her and never let her down. But she did all of those things to me and I don't think she ever did or ever will feel sorry for them. She always said sorry, but I never felt it geniune and that was one thing I think I was correct about.
Is my heart broken? Yes... and no. I suppose the dramatic in me would say yes, the romantic too. But the rationalist (who I'm tring to put above all others) would say no. The optimist in me says it's no big deal. But the little part of my brain that has ached with depression in the past is twitching with its all to familiar feelings of sorrow and self-doubt. I don't know how much time I'm gonna need to get over this one, but I want to keep positive because I don't want the frown lines in my forties to be caused by things like this.
I just wish Andee would answer my calls, I need her so much right now. This whole ordeal has taken a lot out of me and I need to be rejuvenated my the laughter she causes and the good times she reminds me are to come.
At my core, (and this is deep honsesty)(so don't make fun of me ever for it), I am still a boy who is becoming a man, and who just wants to be loved and taken care of. I need to be care for and I need to find one person, just one person, who I know I can trust. But I am so doubtful that that person will over come that I am turning into the megative cynic that hides his pain and self-doubt and depression with the laughter that I can't get to come out of my mouth, but substitute by causing it the the people I still have left around me. So few they are though. A dying species really.
I just can't wait for my apartment and for school to start. I need the distraction.