David Karofsky's Big Gay Drama - Chapter 1/2
It’s official. David Karofsky was a gay magnet. It wasn’t like he wanted to be a gay magnet but he was pretty sure there was no prescription or cure for chronic homo magnetism. Admittedly some men might consider that a gift. Not Dave Karofsky. This power had only served to complicate his life and draw him into the frightening world of Love Triangles and Gay Sex and Hiding In The Racks At The Local Department Store So Kurt And Blaine Couldn’t Find Him While Jeremiah Rolled His Eyes.
His life was just too complicated.
Who would have thought Lima, Ohio would be the scene of his big gay drama.
The only problem? He totally wasn’t gay. There was probably a word for what he was. Maybe hetero-flexible because he looooved the ladies. Couldn’t get enough of them, in fact. It was just dumb un-luck that he somehow fell into bed with two dudes. The same two dudes that were, coincidentally, stalking him through the GAP like lions hunting a particularly meaty gazelle.
“Jeremiah,” Dave whispered. “Distract them.”
Jeremiah looked up to make sure Kurt and Blaine weren’t looking and ducked his head to talk to Dave. “How about no. I can’t afford to lose this job again. Just man up and talk to them. And for the love of god leave me out of it.”
“You fucking suck, dude. Bros before hos!”
“I barely know you.”
Dave sighed, unable to argue with that, and settled further back into the rack, preparing to wait as long as he needed to.
How the hell had his life become this?
****
“Excuse me.”
Dave froze in the middle of changing. No freaking way. That better not be who he thought it was.
“David?”
There was no mistaking that voice. Blaine. How the hell did he get into the locker room?
“How the hell did you get into the locker room?” Dave asked, pulling his hoodie on and facing Blaine who looked hilariously out of place in the McKinley locker room with his perfectly gelled hair and his red trimmed blazer that practically screamed ‘rich kid’.
“I walked, but that’s not important. I’ve come as an ambassador of peace. As a token of our friendship I come bearing gifts.” Blaine held out a plate of sad looking peanut butter cookies covered in saran wrap with a look that was two parts embarrassed, one part proud. Dave assumed Blaine had made them himself. This was getting ridiculous.
“I’m allergic to nuts.”
The other boys face fell for a moment before he composed himself and quickly put the plate out of sight. “Well, then let me treat you to a coffee. You look like a latte man.”
“I’m lactose intolerant.”
Dave could practically see Blaine’s crumbling resolve. It was beautiful. “Er ... well, that’s what soy is for. Or almond milk.”
“Nuts - dude -allergic. Almond is a nut. You trying to kill me or something?”
“What? No! Of course not. I’m sorry, this isn’t going very well. I usually do this in song but the Warblers ... well, after the last time -“ Blaine cleared his throat and waved his hand dismissively. “Never mind. Just give me a chance. Please.” His voice dropped to a near whisper and he visibly deflated.
Dave was about to drive the final nail in the coffin but held back and simply nodded. Blaine was a good guy, awkward as hell but so genuine that Dave, despite wanting to grind his face into the dirt, couldn’t help but say yes. And if Blaine smiled so brightly that Dave felt like he was 100 feet tall, well, that didn’t mean anything.
Blaine was smart enough to choose a location far enough away from McKinley that the odds of running into anyone he knew were next to none.
They sat in the far corner tucked away into the back and Dave had to admit that the girly drink Blaine ordered for him wasn’t bad. It was kind of hazelnutty tasting.
They sat in awkward silence, Blaine blowing on his drink and looking slightly embarrassed while Dave stirred around the foam in his drink, making a mess of the little leaf and creating a whole new design. Dave decided to name it ‘The Hummel’ before realizing that he was thinking about the little twink again and made himself stop.
“So, uh, what’s this called?” he asked, gesturing at the drink.
“It’s a soy hazelnut latte. Don’t worry about the hazelnut, they use a syrup, not the real thing.”
“Ah.”
They fell back into awkward silence that lasted long enough that Dave finally had to take pity on Blaine who was looking red in the face and close to tears in obvious embarrassment. Poor dude.
“So, you go to which school? It’s a private school, right?”
“Oh! Yes. Dalton Academy. It’s ... nice.”
Dave quickly took a sip of coffee to keep from laughing. He could practically see the guys inner monologue berating himself for sounding like a tool. ‘Nice? Good god, man, is that the best you could do? Stupid, Blaine, stupid’.
“You guys have a team? A football team, I mean.”
“No. Dalton is a very academic and artistic oriented school. Glee Club is very popular, so are art clubs ... that sort of thing.”
So it was Hummel’s wet dream. “Sounds boring.”
Blaine didn’t look offended. “You didn’t seem to think so during Thriller.”
“It was for the team.”
“Maybe so but you still looked like you were having fun. Anyways, I like singing ... it’s the only time I’m cool.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“No. I guess you wouldn’t. Everyone else ... they think I’m someone I’m not, someone who knows what he’s doing. People listen to me. If I didn’t have the Warblers I’d be nobody.”
Dave knew exactly how he felt. “I’ve never heard you sing and I listen to you. Not like I have much of a choice.”
“Sorry about that,” Blaine began before the most unfortunate interruption ever took place.
“Blaine? What are you doing here, I saw your car parked in front of - oh my god!!”
Dave sank in his seat, trying to shield himself from Hummel.
“Kurt!”
Dave sank lower in his seat and refused to turn around.
Nobody spoke for a minute and finally Kurt seemed to realize he was drawing too much attention and took a seat next to Blaine on a squishy red chair. Dave had to keep himself from ogling the boy who was dressed in a pair of outrageously shiny black capris and a gay little vest over a far too transparent shirt and god did Dave ever want to run away from the boy whose mere presence seemed to make him just a little gayer by proximity.
Dave and Blaine guiltily sipped their drinks while Kurt’s eyes slowly narrowed in suspicion.
“What is this? Explanation. Now.”
“What, two guys can’t have a drink anymore without her majesties permission?” Dave said, regretting opening his mouth the instant he drew Kurt fury upon himself.
“Cute, Karofsky. Suddenly you want to play house with us gays? Somebody stop the fucking presses.” He hissed.
Blaine’s mouth fell open at either the profanity or Kurt’s venom, Dave couldn’t tell which.
“Kurt, there’s no need for that. David and I were just having a drink.”
“David?”
“Yes, David. Do you want to get a drink and join us? We were just talking about Dalton’s extracurricular activities.”
Kurt seemed to want to say something nasty but a look from Blaine and he let out a tense breath and nodded, getting up to order a drink.
“Holy crap, dude. You’ve got him whipped.” Dave said, as Kurt moved out of earshot.
“I wouldn’t say that. We respect each other, which is more than I can say for the two of you.”
“Yeah, whatever. You know Hummel’s totally macking on you, right? God, I should get out of here. This is just going to end bad, I can tell. Hummel is the jealous type.” Dave stood up to leave when Blaine put a hand over his.
Dave blinked. Blaine looked surprised. They both stared down at the hand and Dave had the strangest epiphany. Blaine was a guy. His hand wasn’t small or delicate or soft, his nails were manicured and he didn’t wax his arms. He was, for lack of a better word, masculine. So why the hell was his stomach fluttering like he had a rabid iguana in his gut?
Blaine’s thumb minutely stroked the skin just above his own thumb.
“Am I interrupting something?” Kurt asked.
They broke apart, falling back into their respective chairs.
Kurt just stood there for a second, head bowed and looking strangely defeated before he sat down and put down a huge cup that looked like not so much a coffee as a mass of whipped cream.
“What’s that?” Dave asked.
He saw Blaine nibbling on his lip out of the corner of his eye and it looked like he was praying for a miracle. Somebody upstairs must have been listening because Kurt didn’t respond with an insult or sarcasm.
“It’s a tall low-fat half sugar raspberry macchiato with extra whip.”
“Sorry I asked. That’s the girliest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Oh please, you’re not man enough for this drink.”
“If that’s what it takes to be a man I think I’ll stick to tackling dudes on the field.” Wait ... that didn’t come out right.
Both Kurt and Blaine stared at his as though he’d gone crazy.
“That’s not what I meant.” Dave said weakly.
“Sure. I totally believe you.”
“Anyways!” Blaine interrupted. “Kurt, what brings you to Lima?”
“What ... aside from the fact that I live here? Two blocks away. And I always come here for coffee. That couldn’t have anything to do with it. No, I’m just in a habit of spying on your dates with former closeted bullies. By the way, how’s Jeremiah? I heard he got his job at the GAP back, something about discriminating against openly gay employees. Imagine that.”
Blaine turned red and seemed at a loss for what to say.
“Jesus, Hummel. Could you stop being a bitch for two seconds? I’m not trying to steal your boyfriend.”
“We’re not boyfriends.” Kurt mumbled.
“Then what the hell is your problem?”
“I’m sorry if finding my friend and the guy who drove me out of school cozying up at my regular coffee shop just a little bit hard to swallow. I didn’t even know you guys knew each other.”
“I didn’t think you’d understand.” Blaine said. “It’s my fault. I went back to McKinley after you told me about ... well, after David and I first met. I thought I could help. I didn’t expect you to transfer but by the time you did I was sort of ... invested.”
Invested? What the hell did that mean?
Kurt gave Blaine a look, a clearly ‘you can do no wrong in my eyes’ look and Dave’s chest clenched. This was such a fucked up situation. He wasn’t stupid and he could see exactly where all this was heading. Blaine liked him. Kurt liked Blaine. He -- well, he didn’t like Kurt, but he wanted to tap that ... in the straightest way possible, of course. There was no way he was getting out of this with both his balls intact.
“As fun as this has been I should really get going.”
“But you haven’t even finished your drink.” Blaine protested.
“It’s in a to-go cup.”
“Yeah, but Kurt hasn’t finished his drink, and I haven’t finished mine.”
“Somehow I don’t think Kurt cares if I leave.”
“... I care.” Blaine declared suddenly. Kurt looked surprised and Blaine looked even more embarrassed, if that was possible. “I mean, I invited you here, it would be rude to just leave like that.”
“Fine, fine. Whatever. So, what do you guys want to talk about? Nailpolish? Clothes? The colour pink?”
Blaine shook his head. “What is it about Kurt that brings out the worst in you?”
“Are we really going to talk about this?”
“How can we not talk about it when you keep acting like this? This isn’t you, David.”
“What the hell do you know about me?”
Kurt decided it was about time to chime in with: “You’re not a bad dancer. We know that about you. You know ... I wasn’t even angry when I saw you dancing with Glee Club.” His gaze was pained and Dave knew he was thinking of the Gleeks ... missing them. “I was happy for you. That was the first time I’ve ever seen you happy. I could see it even from the back rows.”
That shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did but he couldn’t deny what was plainly obvious. Dave wanted to make some sort of cutting reply but instead lowered his eyes and mumbled, “Sorry.”
“What?” Kurt asked, sounding slightly surprised.
Dave sighed, slightly put out that Hummel was making him repeat himself. “Sorry. About, y’know, everything. I’m a dick. You were right about what you said to me before.”
Kurt closed his eyes and Dave had to look away, embarrassed. Hummel looked like he wanted to cry and sure enough after a moment a tear hung on his girly lashes and fell into his girly drink. Blaine grabbed Kurt’s hand and gave it a squeeze not caring what the scene might look like to other people, two guys holding hands while one of them tried not to cry.
He had thought about apologizing before, had even sat with his pen held above a piece of paper imagining writing an awesome letter to Kurt that would be perfect and well spoken and from the heart. He never did. No words were good enough and, until this moment, he wasn’t even sure if Hummel wanted an apology from him. Hell, why would he want an apology from a hamhock when he had pretty boy over there practically kissing his emotional boo boos better.
It hurt Dave that Blaine was so much better than him when it came to making people feel good. All he ever did was mess things up. He would give anything to be that confident, that uncaring of what everyone else thought. He loved and hated that about the other boy, about both of them, that they could make him feel like the most worthless piece of shit just by being themselves. And here he was, too scared to even look at them as Kurt composed himself and Blaine offered support.
It didn’t take long for Kurt to stop. He gave Blaine a grateful if weak smile.
“Thanks, Dave.” Kurt said. “It means a lot. Really.”
Dave simply nodded.
They finished their coffees in silence and when they were done they all parted ways.
Strangely, as uncomfortable and painfully awkward as that was Dave felt as though a weight had been lifted. He didn’t know if he had gained Kurt’s forgiveness, he wasn’t even sure if he was looking for it, but Kurt knowing that he was sorry ... that was enough.
****
It was three weeks later before Dave and Blaine and Kurt finally gathered. It wasn’t nearly as awkward as the first time and they were on a mission.
Well, Blaine was on a mission, Kurt and Dave were just sort of along for the ride. Why he had invited the both of them Dave would never know. He suspected the boy might be slightly dim.
But as for the mission he was on ... Blaine was apologizing.
That seemed to be the thing to do lately.
Dave didn’t know the details, hell, he didn’t even know why Blaine wanted him along. Apparently Blaine had freaked out some guy named Jeremiah by chasing him around the store and singing to him. Honestly, Dave figured the less he knew about it the better, it sounded entirely too strange and he was pretty sure Blaine was just a little bit crazy. He felt the urge to pull Blaine aside and explain that if he ever tried to serenade him in front of anybody Dave would destroy him but he figured they weren’t quite at that point yet.
Finally Blaine seemed to spot his target.
Dave had to admit, Blaine had good taste ... in a purely objective way, of course. The guy had a good looking face partially covered by a mop of wavy blond hair but his eyes were beautiful and made an otherwise attractive appearance into something beautiful. Totally not Dave’s type ... in a purely observational way, of course.
Blaine hesitated for a moment before walking up to the guy. Jeremiah had such a look of panic on his face for a moment that Dave honestly though Blaine meant to murder him, not apologize.
Thankfully no murder took place that day and the two seemed to resolve their issues as Jeremiah wandered around, folding clothes and picking up merchandise from the floor while Blaine grovelled.
“It’s kind of like watching a Chihuahua trying to hump a Great Dane’s leg.” He observed.
Kurt let out an unexpectedly loud burst of laughter and quickly covered his mouth. “Don’t ever tell him I laughed.” Kurt said from behind his hand.
“Your secret is safe with me. It is kind of pathetic though. That guy actually rejected him?”
“Yeah.”
“Idiot.”
Kurt looked at him in surprise. “You sure you aren’t out of the closet?”
“Shut up, Hummel. It’s an observation.”
“Big word.”
“Whatever.”
“Your face is whatever.”
“At least I don’t have glitter in my hair.”
“Oh please, you only wish you were cool enough to be able to pull this look off.”
“You’re right; I’ll never be cool enough for glitter. My loss.”
“Damn straight.”
They fell back into a comfortable silence until Blaine came back, looking subdued but happy.
“How’d it go?” Dave asked.
“Well, he didn’t call the police. So, I think it went good. He accepted my apology.”
“That’s great!” Kurt gushed, looking genuinely happy.
“You alright?” Dave asked.
Blaine shrugged. “Somehow I get the feeling he never wants to see me again. But, yeah, I’m alright.”
“Let’s get out of here,” Dave suggested. “I’ll even buy you one of those girly drinks.”
“Double blended double chocolate frap?”
“Uh ... sure, whatever.” Dave agreed as they all left the store, Blaine walking ahead while Dave and Kurt fell behind.
“My god, Karofsky. Could you be anymore obvious?”
“Hummel, I swear to god-“
“Yeah, yeah, we all know the drill. You’ll shove me into lockers and then go home and cry into your pillow while masturbating to this month’s edition of Iron Man.”
Dave resisted the urge to do something bad to Hummel. “Actually, I was going to say I’d find a way to slip protein powder and lard into your food.” At Hummel’s outraged look Dave lowered his voice and added, “And don’t think I couldn’t. Blaine wants a piece of this, all I’d have to do is let him sample the goods and he’d turn on you faster than you can say ‘forever alone’.”
Of course Dave knew this was all bullshit but Kurt didn’t.
At first the other boy looked furious and Dave honestly though he was going to get his ass handed to him by the little fruit but almost a split second later Hummel’s face went pale and his lip began to tremble.
“Jesus, Hummel, are you going to cry again?”
“No!”
Well that was an obvious lie. “Don’t cry. Look, I didn’t mean it. Blaine doesn’t even like me like that, he’s just trying to, I dunno, save me or something.”
“Karofsky, just shut up. You’re not helping. God, you’re not even out of the closet and you didn’t get friend zoned. The universe hates me.”
Dave had nothing to say to that. He didn’t know which was weirder, that Kurt was actually jealous of him or that Kurt considered him competition. It wasn’t like Blaine and he were together. He didn’t even like dudes, especially not ones who had just as much hair on their arms as he did and Blaine definitely had a lot of arm hair. So did Hummel, come to think of it. Yes, all these hairy dudes weren’t his cup of tea. He was totally into the ladies, none of this arm hair and muscles and dicks getting in the way of him getting some. Not that he’d actually ‘gotten some’ per se, but if he were to get some in the future all this stuff would be unacceptable. He should probably tell Blaine this. How do you even phrase something like that? ‘I find your lack of vagina disturbing’? He could say it in the Vader voice. That voice always did it for him, he could barely watch Star Wars without popping a huge --
“Karofsky? Karoooofsky? David!”
Dave blinked and turned to Kurt. “What?”
“You just zoned out. We were talking about Blaine, and how you’re a dirty boyfriend stealer who wants to make me fat so you can have Blaine all to yourself. Ring any bells?”
“I find his lack of vagina disturbing.”
Kurt gave him a disbelieving look and threw his hands in the air dramatically. Dave was pretty sure the word ‘drama queen’ was referring to Kurt Hummel specifically. “............I really can’t believe he didn’t friend zone your stupid ass. What do you have that I don’t? Is it the ability to grow facial hair? Is it because you’re on a football team? I was on the football team! I helped the team win! Doesn’t that count for anything? Is it because you can do the Darth Vader voice, because I’ll admit, it’s impressive, but I can hit a high F. That’s even more impressive. How many guys do you know that can hit a high F? None! That’s how many.”
And for some reason all Dave could think of was imagining if Kurt could hit that note in bed. Not that he knew what a high F sounded like but he was mostly sure it sounded girly.
“Hummel, just stop. I know you think I’m stealing your boyfriend, and who knows, I might be ... but acting like a nutjob isn’t helping. Why don’t you do something about it?”
“Like what, exactly.” Kurt sneered.
“Hell if I know. Bake him cookies, that’s what he did for me.”
“He baked you cookies?” Kurt wailed.
Dave just shook his head and jogged to catch up with Blaine. This gay drama was too much for him.
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