you think you know, but you have no idea
so it has been an interesting few weeks. for sure.
the retreat is this weekend, and i am super excited. i am hoping that i have a group that really bonds this year, and no "difficult" ones (mary zu you know who i am talking about :) ) anyways, i love seeing the change in the candidates, not to mention how much i need this myself.
my dad and i had a fight. and it was a bad one. unfortuantely, he can't listen to the way i feel, nor does he understand how much he has hurt me. we ended things badly, and he hasn't called or emailed me or anything. as angry as i am, i want more than anything for him to try to contact me again. i want him to show he still cares. i want to know. its kind of ironic how exactly at this time last year i was dealing with the first round of "surprises" from my dad. and here i am again, with another year behind me, still dealing with the same crap. it has been such a ride. and i realize how much it is bringing me down as a person. whenever i don't think about it, im fine. but the fact of the matter is that i do think about it, and a lot of the time im not fine. so i know things have to change, but im not ready or willing to make them happen. im not ready to forgive him. and i feel awful for that... its against what i believe in, but i just cant bring myself to it. it was a big wake up call for me the other day when i was contemplating all this and the word hate came out of my mouth when i was talking about my dad. that is such a strong word. and one that i never would have thought to use about my dad. but this is honestly the way i am beginning to feel. and i dont like it. how awful is it to hate your dad? the sad thing is i dont think he is ever going to change. i think he will continue to hurt my family and i. and i have to forgive him anyways, for myself at least. but that is so much easier said than done.
thank god for my mom and bros and sis and friends. that is all i have to say. without you guys i dont know how i would have coped this past year. it would have been impossible. so thank you.
thanks to all you kiddies who have come out and visited me at school.. i love guests... and i have had quite a few recently... malorie and the sarahs, laur-dawg, cassie, lindz, matty, sam and nicky. you guys make me soo happy.
and i love all my friends here too. college wouldn't be nearly as fun with out them. and i am really starting to develop some meaningful relationships with these awesome kids.
hmm.... ive done some fun stuff these past few weeks... we had an 80's raid, i went on a date party (and got really wasted cuz my date was soo boring that i had to spice things up a lot!), parties, boys... all the joys of college life.
i have a midterm tomorrow... ahh... not fun. but whatever, when its done i get to go on the retreat. so there...
ps. lo car, im sad you cant come. but i think kristie said we will do our own little retreat. and we will. and it will be kick ass times. and i love you... dont be sad. honey, come visit me again so we can have some fun. i <3 you. and seriously you rock.
zach wedge, man, im sooo sad you are leaving me. i know that it will be good for you, so i am excited for you. ill call you this weekend. i <3 you too. xoxo
the retreat is this weekend, and i am super excited. i am hoping that i have a group that really bonds this year, and no "difficult" ones (mary zu you know who i am talking about :) ) anyways, i love seeing the change in the candidates, not to mention how much i need this myself.
my dad and i had a fight. and it was a bad one. unfortuantely, he can't listen to the way i feel, nor does he understand how much he has hurt me. we ended things badly, and he hasn't called or emailed me or anything. as angry as i am, i want more than anything for him to try to contact me again. i want him to show he still cares. i want to know. its kind of ironic how exactly at this time last year i was dealing with the first round of "surprises" from my dad. and here i am again, with another year behind me, still dealing with the same crap. it has been such a ride. and i realize how much it is bringing me down as a person. whenever i don't think about it, im fine. but the fact of the matter is that i do think about it, and a lot of the time im not fine. so i know things have to change, but im not ready or willing to make them happen. im not ready to forgive him. and i feel awful for that... its against what i believe in, but i just cant bring myself to it. it was a big wake up call for me the other day when i was contemplating all this and the word hate came out of my mouth when i was talking about my dad. that is such a strong word. and one that i never would have thought to use about my dad. but this is honestly the way i am beginning to feel. and i dont like it. how awful is it to hate your dad? the sad thing is i dont think he is ever going to change. i think he will continue to hurt my family and i. and i have to forgive him anyways, for myself at least. but that is so much easier said than done.
thank god for my mom and bros and sis and friends. that is all i have to say. without you guys i dont know how i would have coped this past year. it would have been impossible. so thank you.
thanks to all you kiddies who have come out and visited me at school.. i love guests... and i have had quite a few recently... malorie and the sarahs, laur-dawg, cassie, lindz, matty, sam and nicky. you guys make me soo happy.
and i love all my friends here too. college wouldn't be nearly as fun with out them. and i am really starting to develop some meaningful relationships with these awesome kids.
hmm.... ive done some fun stuff these past few weeks... we had an 80's raid, i went on a date party (and got really wasted cuz my date was soo boring that i had to spice things up a lot!), parties, boys... all the joys of college life.
i have a midterm tomorrow... ahh... not fun. but whatever, when its done i get to go on the retreat. so there...
ps. lo car, im sad you cant come. but i think kristie said we will do our own little retreat. and we will. and it will be kick ass times. and i love you... dont be sad. honey, come visit me again so we can have some fun. i <3 you. and seriously you rock.
zach wedge, man, im sooo sad you are leaving me. i know that it will be good for you, so i am excited for you. ill call you this weekend. i <3 you too. xoxo