Vulnerability
“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” Brene Brown
Oof. That smarts a little. I’m one to try and always find the positive in everything but sometimes it’s just hard. But being vulnerable is super tough for me.
Well wait - I should clarify; being vulnerable with my pain is super tough for me. One of the things I like best about the life I’ve choreographed over the last 19 months is how the positive changes have brought me closer to a few quality people. It’s inspired some people. It has inspired me.
I talked a little about the reasons for the selfies during my adventures. Loved all the positive responses and was tickled by the comment I got that this particular person was happy I was being safe because "not being kidnapped.”
There are 3 selfies I didn’t share from my amazing Labor Day weekend adventure. The first one I am sharing with the post was when I recounted a conversation during the early morning drive on Saturday. The newest, most tender parts of my fragile heart had been bruised pretty heavily on that Friday night. Not with malice, or cruel intention, I think (I hope?), but to the point where when I was recounting the conversation to a trusted loved one that’s just what happened.
The other two I took in succession after the 5K on the Sunday of my trip. 3 days in a row of 10,000+ steps by 6 pm, some wading in natural springs, a lot of bologna sandwiches, tons of selfies, lots of driving and site seeing, a self-paced 5k, 500 days of pushing myself to clean out my own inventory and be accountable. It was the first anniversary of the divorce I didn’t want. 3 days later would have been the wedding anniversary of a marriage I pledged my life to. It washed over me as an overwhelming feeling of too much. It’s easy to say “hindsight is 20/20” to that you want to go back and try to fix things. I wouldn't fix any of the ways I handled things, however. I know a lot of the things that were said about me (and my Irish goodbye) since I left Ohio in May 2021. That's ok…I'm not responsible to live up to anyones version of me.
I sat down on that bench feeling so proud of myself for everything I had accomplished in 500 days and then I mourned my losses, so I sat in the woods at some state park crying. And crying…and crying. And I left it all there.
I am a crier. Happy, sad, mad, laughter …pretty much anytime I’m feeling an intense emotion or feeling. I chose not to share these photos because I didn’t want to be vulnerable.
But I’m struggling these days - the damage from the hurricane to my beautiful paradise. As someone who is an empath, it’s really tough to be around all this sadness all the time.
I’m trying to show my courage by being vulnerable. Really for me more than anyone else…its all so overwhelming. But it will be ok. I’ll be ok.