Brownies.
It is late. I had to purge this from my brain. OBVIOUSLY un-beta'd. In fact, this is one of those things that I may regret in the morning. But the muse wouldn't stop kicking me till I had it out...
One pleasant, blustery fall day, Professor Snape’s seventh year Advanced Potions class found themselves in the Forbidden Forest gathering potions ingredients when all of a sudden, tiny wooden arrows began flying about their heads.
“What the--!?“
“Run, quickly! Back to the castle!!"
“What is it Professor!?”
“Brownies! Quickly! Don’t get hit by the arrows!”
“Brownies? Ooh!”
“No, Mr. Longbottom, not the confectionary delight; the small ruthless tribesmen that inhabit these woods. I should have known it was their mating season! Quickly! Run! ARGH!”
“Professor,” Hermione started, stopping in her tracks when she realized her Professor had stopped running with the class. “What happened? Ow!!” She squealed as a tiny arrow hit her in the wrist.
“Your mother was a lizard!” A tiny, fur clad man shouted.
“Ooh!!! Get away you! Petrificus Totalis” With a swish of her wand, the tiny man was frozen, bow raised to strike again.
“Ah! Ah!!” Quickly, Professor Snape began shedding his clothing, yanking little arrows out of his shoulder and thigh as he went.
“Professor! Oh!” She reached down and yanked the little arrow out of her wrist, and clamped her hand down over the wound.
“You’ve been hit as well. Here, give me your arm, Miss Granger.” She did as she was told, and he took her arm in his large hand. He quickly raised her wrist to his lips and began sucking.
“Um.”
Suck. Suck.
“Uh.”
Suck. Suck.
“Oh.”
Suck. Spit.
“Miss Granger, the poison of a brownie dart is highly toxic. It must be removed from the site quickly or else it will spread causing a horrible itch, followed by a purple rash.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Didn’t you know?”
“Well, no.”
“Hm. I once had a student turn completely purple before we were able to remove all the toxins. It wasn’t pretty. Well, actually, it was a rather lovely shade of lavender, but I…”
He suddenly began simultaneously scratching his shoulder and thigh whilst turning in circles, creating a rather amusing dance that reminded Hermione of something she’d seen the family dog do once. She giggled once then she came to her senses.
“Sir! You’ve been hit! Let me help you!”
She stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Where were you hit first?”
“Here,” he said and quickly tossed his shirt off and onto the ground, leaving him bare-chested. She gawked. “Don’t worry. The poison of the brownie is actually very sweet. You’ll know when you’ve gotten it all out.”
Silence.
“Miss Granger, please. It’s nearly unbearable.”
“Right.” She raised her lips to the little puckered pink wound at his left shoulder and began sucking.
“Ah!”
Suck. Suck.
“Ah!”
Suck. Suck.
“Oh.”
Suck. Spit.
“I think I got it all, Sir. Show me your leg.”
“Um. I don’t think… that is…”
“Sir, do you want to be purple?”
“Actually…”
“Nonsense, come here.”
He did as he was told and they stood there staring at one another whilst his hand twitched in an attempt to keep from scratching at his leg.
“Well, sir, drop them.”
“Um… better idea!” With a slashing motion the pant leg was severed from the top and dropped around his booted ankle revealing a long, pale, slightly hairy leg.
“You could have sliced your leg off.” She knelt down in front of him.
“Sir.”
“You could have sliced your leg off, sir.”
“Suck already, dammit!”
Without hesitation she wrapped her lips around the wound, which was already a dark shade of maroon, and began to suck.
“Ow!”
Suck. Suck.
“Oh!”
Suck. Suck.
“Harder.”
Suck. Suck.
“Hard-aaaahhhhhhhh!”
Suck. Spit.
She wiped her chin with the back of her hand.
“I do believe I got it all, sir. How does it feel?”
“Great.” He squeaked, and covered the wound with a hand. “Ahem. Fine. Thank you, Miss Granger.”
“Anytime.” She grinned.
The two of them gathered their things and made their way back to the castle, leaving one tiny, horny brownie suspended mid-fire.
I told you it was nonsense. I think the cardboard fumes are getting to my brain...
One pleasant, blustery fall day, Professor Snape’s seventh year Advanced Potions class found themselves in the Forbidden Forest gathering potions ingredients when all of a sudden, tiny wooden arrows began flying about their heads.
“What the--!?“
“Run, quickly! Back to the castle!!"
“What is it Professor!?”
“Brownies! Quickly! Don’t get hit by the arrows!”
“Brownies? Ooh!”
“No, Mr. Longbottom, not the confectionary delight; the small ruthless tribesmen that inhabit these woods. I should have known it was their mating season! Quickly! Run! ARGH!”
“Professor,” Hermione started, stopping in her tracks when she realized her Professor had stopped running with the class. “What happened? Ow!!” She squealed as a tiny arrow hit her in the wrist.
“Your mother was a lizard!” A tiny, fur clad man shouted.
“Ooh!!! Get away you! Petrificus Totalis” With a swish of her wand, the tiny man was frozen, bow raised to strike again.
“Ah! Ah!!” Quickly, Professor Snape began shedding his clothing, yanking little arrows out of his shoulder and thigh as he went.
“Professor! Oh!” She reached down and yanked the little arrow out of her wrist, and clamped her hand down over the wound.
“You’ve been hit as well. Here, give me your arm, Miss Granger.” She did as she was told, and he took her arm in his large hand. He quickly raised her wrist to his lips and began sucking.
“Um.”
Suck. Suck.
“Uh.”
Suck. Suck.
“Oh.”
Suck. Spit.
“Miss Granger, the poison of a brownie dart is highly toxic. It must be removed from the site quickly or else it will spread causing a horrible itch, followed by a purple rash.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Didn’t you know?”
“Well, no.”
“Hm. I once had a student turn completely purple before we were able to remove all the toxins. It wasn’t pretty. Well, actually, it was a rather lovely shade of lavender, but I…”
He suddenly began simultaneously scratching his shoulder and thigh whilst turning in circles, creating a rather amusing dance that reminded Hermione of something she’d seen the family dog do once. She giggled once then she came to her senses.
“Sir! You’ve been hit! Let me help you!”
She stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Where were you hit first?”
“Here,” he said and quickly tossed his shirt off and onto the ground, leaving him bare-chested. She gawked. “Don’t worry. The poison of the brownie is actually very sweet. You’ll know when you’ve gotten it all out.”
Silence.
“Miss Granger, please. It’s nearly unbearable.”
“Right.” She raised her lips to the little puckered pink wound at his left shoulder and began sucking.
“Ah!”
Suck. Suck.
“Ah!”
Suck. Suck.
“Oh.”
Suck. Spit.
“I think I got it all, Sir. Show me your leg.”
“Um. I don’t think… that is…”
“Sir, do you want to be purple?”
“Actually…”
“Nonsense, come here.”
He did as he was told and they stood there staring at one another whilst his hand twitched in an attempt to keep from scratching at his leg.
“Well, sir, drop them.”
“Um… better idea!” With a slashing motion the pant leg was severed from the top and dropped around his booted ankle revealing a long, pale, slightly hairy leg.
“You could have sliced your leg off.” She knelt down in front of him.
“Sir.”
“You could have sliced your leg off, sir.”
“Suck already, dammit!”
Without hesitation she wrapped her lips around the wound, which was already a dark shade of maroon, and began to suck.
“Ow!”
Suck. Suck.
“Oh!”
Suck. Suck.
“Harder.”
Suck. Suck.
“Hard-aaaahhhhhhhh!”
Suck. Spit.
She wiped her chin with the back of her hand.
“I do believe I got it all, sir. How does it feel?”
“Great.” He squeaked, and covered the wound with a hand. “Ahem. Fine. Thank you, Miss Granger.”
“Anytime.” She grinned.
The two of them gathered their things and made their way back to the castle, leaving one tiny, horny brownie suspended mid-fire.
I told you it was nonsense. I think the cardboard fumes are getting to my brain...