Spinning spinning
I haven't posted in a reallllllllly long time. I used to mainly read the communities, but I need to post.
This has been one of the hardest years of my life. It's been a year since I've been stamped as "cured" and "healthy" and "OK." I spent much of the past 12 months convincing myself it was ok to eat, it was ok to leave food in my stomach, or that it was ok if I gain a few pounds. I was still a worthy person even at a size 14/16/18.
Now, I find myself feeling very uncomfortable in my own body. My thoughts turn more and more towards the days when I used to know exactly how much I would allow myself to eat, how much I would exercize...if, when, and where I would throw up.
I feel like I'm in limbo. I keep hearing that little voice say "Lose weight, and everything will be better."
Then I hear the fucking annoying voice of "No, you're recovered, don't!"
But I'm writing in this journal again---being seduced. I feel invincible. Fifteen years of bulimia/anorexia and I walked away with no health problems that have shown up yet.
What should I do, I ask myself. Maybe I can just do it a little, I think.
Glamorous eh?
Sometimes I think I'm just one of those people who will have to live with this for the rest of their lives, and strangely enough, I feel ok with that.
Thank you for listening.
This has been one of the hardest years of my life. It's been a year since I've been stamped as "cured" and "healthy" and "OK." I spent much of the past 12 months convincing myself it was ok to eat, it was ok to leave food in my stomach, or that it was ok if I gain a few pounds. I was still a worthy person even at a size 14/16/18.
Now, I find myself feeling very uncomfortable in my own body. My thoughts turn more and more towards the days when I used to know exactly how much I would allow myself to eat, how much I would exercize...if, when, and where I would throw up.
I feel like I'm in limbo. I keep hearing that little voice say "Lose weight, and everything will be better."
Then I hear the fucking annoying voice of "No, you're recovered, don't!"
But I'm writing in this journal again---being seduced. I feel invincible. Fifteen years of bulimia/anorexia and I walked away with no health problems that have shown up yet.
What should I do, I ask myself. Maybe I can just do it a little, I think.
Glamorous eh?
Sometimes I think I'm just one of those people who will have to live with this for the rest of their lives, and strangely enough, I feel ok with that.
Thank you for listening.