where you lead, i will follow

[tinyglowingstar]

i saw that just a minute ago scratched onto the elevator door at my dorm. i wonder who wrote it. and who they were talking about. (ps... yeah... i know it's from ruth... but still) i wonder if i am going to love anyone that much, to follow them through everything. is that what marriage is? how much does that vow really matter? are you supposed to follow your spouse through anything? what about through depression that makes you miserable? and everyone around you miserable? Miserable to the point of emotional abuse? when people won't let you alone with their kids? when your spouse is afraid to walk through the door cause they have no clue if it'll be the good you, or the bad you waiting for them... are they still supposed to follow you? you're geting better, right? RIGHT? don't fucking lie about it. again. you are who you are and there is no way, NO WAY, that you can change who you are psychologically without fixing the chemical imbalences in your brain. so take the fucking medication! I don't care if you might be on them forever... it's hella scary.... but so is shit like diabetes... and if you don't take care of that... guess what?!? it's gonna kill you! Kids shouldn't have to grow up the way i did... with one parent... i'll be the first to admit that (though the admitting is a recent development) but they should not.... WILL NOT... grow up in an environment where it is ok to treat other people like shit... where there are double standerds for everything! AND where you are the biggest hypocritical brat i know! yep... brat. you act like you are 13. and i'm tired of it! I'm not there. i don't know how good you are being... and i don't care. i don't want to know. I just want it to be over. i would much rather have them grow up the way i did that the way things are headed. and i love that boy brat of yours... but it seems to me that he has more problems that i do.... so don't go criticizing me about the small shit.

dammit. i thought i was doing better. loving kindness....loving kindness... loving kindness.... i hate your guts.