I Walk with You Beside Me
For most of my life, I've believed in the Clean Slate. I remember going off to boarding school at thirteen, leaving my family behind: A Clean Slate. Then leaving high school and going to college: A Clean Slate. Getting married to my first husband: A Clean Slate. Getting my first divorce: A Clean Slate. Then my second marriage: A Clean Slate. Every relocation: A Clean Slate. My second divorce: A Clean Slate. Now, finally, at age forty-four, I've come to the ground-shaking realization: There's no such thing as A Clean Slate.
What made me think I could forget what went before? The truth is, everyone and everything are still with me and will always be alive inside me. I spent ten years with my first husband and his family. I still miss his parent's house in the green hills of Tennessee. I miss his extended family. I miss having someone else that likes to go birding. I spent ten years with my second husband. I miss his extended family. I miss his easy laugh and the way things got done around the house like magic. This doesn't mean I regret my decisions. My first husband should have been a friend, not more. My second husband would do better with an extrovert than an introvert. I'm happy where I am now--I have the emotional support I need and a lovely little family.
I also have challenges. I have a complicated, messy situation with my new family. But being free of the illusion of A Clean Slate, I can recognize that this is just My Life. Everyone has the good, the bad and the ugly in their day-to-day life. Everything doesn't go our way. Nothing is perfect. We make mistakes. People get angry. We have triumphs. The days are salted with humor and tears.
I'm grateful to finally realize that my past is mine. All of it. All the people that I loved, all the people that loved me. Even people who hate me now. They're all in my head, woven into the fabric of my life, and always will be. Accepting that gives me a peace and freedom I've not had before. This is my messy life, my only life, the only thing that's truly mine, everything I'll take with me to the grave.
And now...off to Artists' Connection to paint for hours...
What made me think I could forget what went before? The truth is, everyone and everything are still with me and will always be alive inside me. I spent ten years with my first husband and his family. I still miss his parent's house in the green hills of Tennessee. I miss his extended family. I miss having someone else that likes to go birding. I spent ten years with my second husband. I miss his extended family. I miss his easy laugh and the way things got done around the house like magic. This doesn't mean I regret my decisions. My first husband should have been a friend, not more. My second husband would do better with an extrovert than an introvert. I'm happy where I am now--I have the emotional support I need and a lovely little family.
I also have challenges. I have a complicated, messy situation with my new family. But being free of the illusion of A Clean Slate, I can recognize that this is just My Life. Everyone has the good, the bad and the ugly in their day-to-day life. Everything doesn't go our way. Nothing is perfect. We make mistakes. People get angry. We have triumphs. The days are salted with humor and tears.
I'm grateful to finally realize that my past is mine. All of it. All the people that I loved, all the people that loved me. Even people who hate me now. They're all in my head, woven into the fabric of my life, and always will be. Accepting that gives me a peace and freedom I've not had before. This is my messy life, my only life, the only thing that's truly mine, everything I'll take with me to the grave.
And now...off to Artists' Connection to paint for hours...