something's wrong
i don't know what it is but something is wrong.
i'm starting to freak out that i'm going to die. or tres is going to die. or my mom.
isn't it weird that i'm unemployed and i have all this free time to spend with the two most important people in my life? i'm nervous that my mom, who is 65 and is in pretty good health other than her mind that slips from time to time, is going to die. i feel like it's too much of a coincidence that i have so much time off to spend with her. we see each other twice a week if not more, and i know that this will never happen again (unless she babysits for us before she completely loses her mind). everytime i see her these days i tell her i love her and hug her because i have this impending doom feeling.
maybe tres is going to die on the mountian this weekend. tonight i was looking out the front porch window and i had a perfect view of longs peak and the key hole (not gonna lie - i don't know what the keyhole is but i think it's a big groove at the summit of longs peak). i started to think...two to five people die on longs peak every year. so far there's only been two people in 2009 that have met their fate. the stars have a way of aligning themselves for me...what if something happens to tres and i have to look at the mountain everyday from my porch? i'll have to move, surely i will, if something were to happen. i don't know, i can't explain it really but it's like an ironic ending or twist in a tragic novel. girl meets boy, gets boy, has to view range where boy died on mountain for rest of her life.
then there's me. i can't help but think that god is giving me a break right now to say goodbye to everyone. hell i'm going to a depeche mode concert tomorrow so perhaps it will be on the drive home. every windfall i see as "oh that's because god wants me to be graced for the few short days i have left." anytime i see someone i haven't seen in a while i see it as a chance to say goodbye. i think i have to talk to rhonda about this. i know i'm being irrational but what if i'm not? what if three months from now, you're all saying, "it's a good thing she wasn't working so she could spend her last few months with her friends and family."
maybe it's all the death talk my mom is having about herself and her best friend who, btw, she saved her life. my mom saved her friend's life i mean. my mom accompanied her friend, norma, to a lawyer to draw up her (norma's) last will and testament. shockingly she left my mom executor which my mom tried to back out of, graciously. anyway, it's all the two of them have been able to talk about lately.
uncle ed pulled through again and left my mom and i some more money. i don't know how much but my mom said we can either go to utah and get me some well deserved furniture at ikea or she's going to take tres and i on a cruise in january or february. if i book the cruise, it wouldn't be fair for god to take any of us right now. maybe it's my saving grace.
fayfay
i'm starting to freak out that i'm going to die. or tres is going to die. or my mom.
isn't it weird that i'm unemployed and i have all this free time to spend with the two most important people in my life? i'm nervous that my mom, who is 65 and is in pretty good health other than her mind that slips from time to time, is going to die. i feel like it's too much of a coincidence that i have so much time off to spend with her. we see each other twice a week if not more, and i know that this will never happen again (unless she babysits for us before she completely loses her mind). everytime i see her these days i tell her i love her and hug her because i have this impending doom feeling.
maybe tres is going to die on the mountian this weekend. tonight i was looking out the front porch window and i had a perfect view of longs peak and the key hole (not gonna lie - i don't know what the keyhole is but i think it's a big groove at the summit of longs peak). i started to think...two to five people die on longs peak every year. so far there's only been two people in 2009 that have met their fate. the stars have a way of aligning themselves for me...what if something happens to tres and i have to look at the mountain everyday from my porch? i'll have to move, surely i will, if something were to happen. i don't know, i can't explain it really but it's like an ironic ending or twist in a tragic novel. girl meets boy, gets boy, has to view range where boy died on mountain for rest of her life.
then there's me. i can't help but think that god is giving me a break right now to say goodbye to everyone. hell i'm going to a depeche mode concert tomorrow so perhaps it will be on the drive home. every windfall i see as "oh that's because god wants me to be graced for the few short days i have left." anytime i see someone i haven't seen in a while i see it as a chance to say goodbye. i think i have to talk to rhonda about this. i know i'm being irrational but what if i'm not? what if three months from now, you're all saying, "it's a good thing she wasn't working so she could spend her last few months with her friends and family."
maybe it's all the death talk my mom is having about herself and her best friend who, btw, she saved her life. my mom saved her friend's life i mean. my mom accompanied her friend, norma, to a lawyer to draw up her (norma's) last will and testament. shockingly she left my mom executor which my mom tried to back out of, graciously. anyway, it's all the two of them have been able to talk about lately.
uncle ed pulled through again and left my mom and i some more money. i don't know how much but my mom said we can either go to utah and get me some well deserved furniture at ikea or she's going to take tres and i on a cruise in january or february. if i book the cruise, it wouldn't be fair for god to take any of us right now. maybe it's my saving grace.
fayfay