there are always two sides to every story
I am not myself lately. I'm quiet, angry, burning. Every person that I see in the halls I just want to hit. The people smiling, talking to "best friends"..holding hands and kissing. I hate it all. I don't have any of that.
I don't have a best friend.
I don't have anyone to trust, anyone I can run to when I need a shoulder to cry on. As far as I'm concerned, everyone around me is lying to me. You people make me sick. How can you hurt someone not only physically, but get to their friends and stab them emotionally, and then just go on living? How do you fuckers sleep at night? How can you spread rumors and make jokes when someone is truly hurting inside. How can you fucking sit next to me in class and pretend everything is okay. How can you say it's not a big deal?
I don't have a boyfriend.
I don't have someone to tell me they love me. I don't have a heart. I try so hard to fill a void by creating fake emotional attachments. I tell lies. I tell people we're together; maybe refer to you once or twice as a 'boyfriend,' but it'll never be that. I told myself that I needed to guard my heart. Somehow, you fucking got in. You held my hand and said all the right things and you wedged your way into a place I never wanted you to be. I never wanted to love anyone this much. If you want the truth, I don't trust you. Perhaps you're too good at what you do. When I'm around you, I don't trust myself. I try to be perfect and reserve my judgements so that maybe you'll learn to like me for something--but that's not who I am. Who I am is rude and blunt and angry. I am so angry I can't even stand it anymore.
If anyone really loved me for who I am, they'd learn to deal with that.
I'm crying because I feel more empty than ever before. More confused, more lost. I read something and now I'm bringing up subjects I don't really want to talk about. I don't want to talk abut the people who fucked with my car. I don't want to talk about your ex-girlfriends or your three fucking cars. I don't want to talk about my new job or the debts I owe. I don't want to talk about how I love somebody so fucking much it hurts but it's a mistake and I know he's going to break my heart again. I don't want to talk about movies or books I've read or the dance shows or competition.
What I want to talk about is where the fuck I'm going. What college am I going to; how the hell I'm going to pursue my fucking dream. I want to know where my life is going because I need to change. I can't stand the things I tell myself inside--but even more I hate the way i feel. The ongoing anger. I hate that when I talk about all of these things I turn into my mother. Angry and violent and ugly. That's who I am today. That's not who I was six months ago.
Sitting at Olive Garden with my best friend making plans to go back to dinner--something I was reminded of yesterday. She and I barely talk anymore, and when we do, it's nothing personal. Maybe a hi or something. We are two different people and I remember thinking I was going to grow up with her. Now I'm just going to grow up. It's something that makes me so sad I don't want to feel. I don't want to talk or smile or dance. I just want to be numb to everything. I don't want coffee or dinner or a place to stay when I get kicked out for not putting a garbage bag in the container. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to talk to God. the last time I did that, someone fucked up my "new" car and got away with it. So much for God.
Most of all, I sure as hell don't want to be here anymore.
I turned seventeen two weeks ago tomorrow.
I just woke up like I was some brand new person.
I woke up and completely lost control of my life
I don't have a best friend.
I don't have anyone to trust, anyone I can run to when I need a shoulder to cry on. As far as I'm concerned, everyone around me is lying to me. You people make me sick. How can you hurt someone not only physically, but get to their friends and stab them emotionally, and then just go on living? How do you fuckers sleep at night? How can you spread rumors and make jokes when someone is truly hurting inside. How can you fucking sit next to me in class and pretend everything is okay. How can you say it's not a big deal?
I don't have a boyfriend.
I don't have someone to tell me they love me. I don't have a heart. I try so hard to fill a void by creating fake emotional attachments. I tell lies. I tell people we're together; maybe refer to you once or twice as a 'boyfriend,' but it'll never be that. I told myself that I needed to guard my heart. Somehow, you fucking got in. You held my hand and said all the right things and you wedged your way into a place I never wanted you to be. I never wanted to love anyone this much. If you want the truth, I don't trust you. Perhaps you're too good at what you do. When I'm around you, I don't trust myself. I try to be perfect and reserve my judgements so that maybe you'll learn to like me for something--but that's not who I am. Who I am is rude and blunt and angry. I am so angry I can't even stand it anymore.
If anyone really loved me for who I am, they'd learn to deal with that.
I'm crying because I feel more empty than ever before. More confused, more lost. I read something and now I'm bringing up subjects I don't really want to talk about. I don't want to talk abut the people who fucked with my car. I don't want to talk about your ex-girlfriends or your three fucking cars. I don't want to talk about my new job or the debts I owe. I don't want to talk about how I love somebody so fucking much it hurts but it's a mistake and I know he's going to break my heart again. I don't want to talk about movies or books I've read or the dance shows or competition.
What I want to talk about is where the fuck I'm going. What college am I going to; how the hell I'm going to pursue my fucking dream. I want to know where my life is going because I need to change. I can't stand the things I tell myself inside--but even more I hate the way i feel. The ongoing anger. I hate that when I talk about all of these things I turn into my mother. Angry and violent and ugly. That's who I am today. That's not who I was six months ago.
Sitting at Olive Garden with my best friend making plans to go back to dinner--something I was reminded of yesterday. She and I barely talk anymore, and when we do, it's nothing personal. Maybe a hi or something. We are two different people and I remember thinking I was going to grow up with her. Now I'm just going to grow up. It's something that makes me so sad I don't want to feel. I don't want to talk or smile or dance. I just want to be numb to everything. I don't want coffee or dinner or a place to stay when I get kicked out for not putting a garbage bag in the container. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to talk to God. the last time I did that, someone fucked up my "new" car and got away with it. So much for God.
Most of all, I sure as hell don't want to be here anymore.
I turned seventeen two weeks ago tomorrow.
I just woke up like I was some brand new person.
I woke up and completely lost control of my life