The start of something new. Again.
Labor Day weekend this year wasn't just about celebrating that summer was over and, or what I like to call, the paid days off of work season. No, this weekend gave me time to think about the finer things in life. One of which was this online journal that you read here. I discussed in my head the fate of this little corner of the internet. The first real popular bastion of status updates and blogs. Since the last time I have used this, the site as a whole has advanced quite a bit with its features, but at its core it is still just a place someone can type whatever they feel. Of course, the internet is one scary place these days, but what do I care really.
I've always felt a sense of openness with my life. In fact, I was the most open with my ex-wife (naturally). Looking back though, I was also the furthest away at the same time. I locked her away from feelings at times in the guise that I'm trying to "help" her or "save" her from my bad and sad self. Unluckily for her, she was also very smart and knew me VERY well. By me locking her out of things I was thinking, I made her begin to dislike and, close to, if not at the point, of hating me. I do not regret this, but I plan on learning from this. Shortly after I moved out, I started a little journal on paper. I started to write things about the day, how I felt, asking lined notes questions in hopes to receive an answer. Believe it or not, a lot of times I did. I started to feel better about myself again as a whole for the first time in a long time.
I bring this story up because I wish to share my thoughts in a place that can be viewed later. Sure, it can be viewed by anyone in the world, but there's already a ton of mediums where everything can be viewed publicly. Paper can be damaged and lost. Granted, digital data can also have this happen to them, but this journal of sorts has stood the test of years of neglect and short amounts of usage of the past seven plus years. When I found this page the other day, I looked back at it with a few different thoughts. I enjoyed the time capsule feel of it, seeing what my younger self was like, what I enjoyed, and how insane I might of seemed. It's been over four years since my last entry into this. Sure there was myspace, but I didn't use it that much to be honest. It had a blog feature, but I didn't think my mindless talking was worthy of a blog.
My life changed after I hit 25, so shortly after (apparently after about six months), I ended these entries. I like to look at it as a "void" of my life. I was in a semi-state of depression based on the mere fact that I was deathly afraid of dying (harhar). From around this time, I lived in a shell of illusion. The illusion that things were O.K., no matter how grim they actually were. I wouldn't say I ignored things, but I definitely turned a blind eye to important matters, including my relationship with my ex. Sure, there were moments of happiness, but I still had that underlying fear. I did the one thing we shouldn't do as humans. I discontinued to grow and evolve with the daily life. Certain things happened in the course of that time that made what I like to refer to now as "little evolutions". I came to terms with a few things, which in the long run, was great for my overall health and well-being. Unfortunately though, in my relationship, it was the proverbial "Too Little, Too Late". It all culminated into one big giant (pardon my language) fucked up emotional explosion. The pressure of things I hid in my shell was too high. My ex was like a digger lemming, constantly mining away at that exterior to get to the goal, my true hidden feelings. My shell, my imaginary world, cracked. Out came these pent up feelings that I held back for so long. This story could go on forever or so it seems. We all know the end result. We all know what has happened since then. I will chronicle more of it as time passes, but for now, this is where I'll leave a cliffhanger to this story that only I care about.
Needless to say, back on to the topic of this journal, I will use it to chronicle old events and thoughts as well as the ones that lie before me. In my opinion, I lack creativity. I'm not trying to be down on myself nor am I trying to be modest and take the compliments when I can. It's just the truth. I lack the ability to make something out of nothing, but god damn, do I love enjoying other peoples work. I can sing a mean karaoke, but there is no way I will sing my own songs to the world let alone any future family I may have. I enjoy writing, but only if it's about myself and my exploits in the world. I enjoy reading, but my attention span for books has always been low. I enjoy watching movies and listening to music across various genre's, but there is no way I can come up with my own lyrics and story lines. I enjoy playing video games, but I do not see myself writing code or level designing, even quality testing. I may act a fool (up in here, up in here), but there is no way I may act in front of a crowd. I enjoy art and photography, but I can not seem to grasp the idea of what is beautiful out of my own creations. Sure, there's a gem here and there, but I know my spot. There are two types of people in this world, creators and observers. I know very well I am the latter. I will let you in on a secret though. I find the former highly amazing. I keep you creators employed. My ex-wife was an amazing writer, but she rarely ever let me read her works. I know for future Brian, if I date a creator again (which, I'm not gonna lie, I plan on that, highly attractive quality), the shell my significant other builds around her creations will never happen again. If it does, our future just simply will not work.
Which somehow brings me to the end of my entry for today. When will you see another entry? I can not guarantee this answer, but what I do know is one day, I will write here again. People will choose to read it if the so wish to get into my head a little bit. I will not post silly quiz results here. I will not post one line reviews to my favorite media. I will not give you a status update on my every little piece of info (I have a twitter account for that, which I love posting on). I will instead give insight as to what is going on currently in the life of Brian.
I've always felt a sense of openness with my life. In fact, I was the most open with my ex-wife (naturally). Looking back though, I was also the furthest away at the same time. I locked her away from feelings at times in the guise that I'm trying to "help" her or "save" her from my bad and sad self. Unluckily for her, she was also very smart and knew me VERY well. By me locking her out of things I was thinking, I made her begin to dislike and, close to, if not at the point, of hating me. I do not regret this, but I plan on learning from this. Shortly after I moved out, I started a little journal on paper. I started to write things about the day, how I felt, asking lined notes questions in hopes to receive an answer. Believe it or not, a lot of times I did. I started to feel better about myself again as a whole for the first time in a long time.
I bring this story up because I wish to share my thoughts in a place that can be viewed later. Sure, it can be viewed by anyone in the world, but there's already a ton of mediums where everything can be viewed publicly. Paper can be damaged and lost. Granted, digital data can also have this happen to them, but this journal of sorts has stood the test of years of neglect and short amounts of usage of the past seven plus years. When I found this page the other day, I looked back at it with a few different thoughts. I enjoyed the time capsule feel of it, seeing what my younger self was like, what I enjoyed, and how insane I might of seemed. It's been over four years since my last entry into this. Sure there was myspace, but I didn't use it that much to be honest. It had a blog feature, but I didn't think my mindless talking was worthy of a blog.
My life changed after I hit 25, so shortly after (apparently after about six months), I ended these entries. I like to look at it as a "void" of my life. I was in a semi-state of depression based on the mere fact that I was deathly afraid of dying (harhar). From around this time, I lived in a shell of illusion. The illusion that things were O.K., no matter how grim they actually were. I wouldn't say I ignored things, but I definitely turned a blind eye to important matters, including my relationship with my ex. Sure, there were moments of happiness, but I still had that underlying fear. I did the one thing we shouldn't do as humans. I discontinued to grow and evolve with the daily life. Certain things happened in the course of that time that made what I like to refer to now as "little evolutions". I came to terms with a few things, which in the long run, was great for my overall health and well-being. Unfortunately though, in my relationship, it was the proverbial "Too Little, Too Late". It all culminated into one big giant (pardon my language) fucked up emotional explosion. The pressure of things I hid in my shell was too high. My ex was like a digger lemming, constantly mining away at that exterior to get to the goal, my true hidden feelings. My shell, my imaginary world, cracked. Out came these pent up feelings that I held back for so long. This story could go on forever or so it seems. We all know the end result. We all know what has happened since then. I will chronicle more of it as time passes, but for now, this is where I'll leave a cliffhanger to this story that only I care about.
Needless to say, back on to the topic of this journal, I will use it to chronicle old events and thoughts as well as the ones that lie before me. In my opinion, I lack creativity. I'm not trying to be down on myself nor am I trying to be modest and take the compliments when I can. It's just the truth. I lack the ability to make something out of nothing, but god damn, do I love enjoying other peoples work. I can sing a mean karaoke, but there is no way I will sing my own songs to the world let alone any future family I may have. I enjoy writing, but only if it's about myself and my exploits in the world. I enjoy reading, but my attention span for books has always been low. I enjoy watching movies and listening to music across various genre's, but there is no way I can come up with my own lyrics and story lines. I enjoy playing video games, but I do not see myself writing code or level designing, even quality testing. I may act a fool (up in here, up in here), but there is no way I may act in front of a crowd. I enjoy art and photography, but I can not seem to grasp the idea of what is beautiful out of my own creations. Sure, there's a gem here and there, but I know my spot. There are two types of people in this world, creators and observers. I know very well I am the latter. I will let you in on a secret though. I find the former highly amazing. I keep you creators employed. My ex-wife was an amazing writer, but she rarely ever let me read her works. I know for future Brian, if I date a creator again (which, I'm not gonna lie, I plan on that, highly attractive quality), the shell my significant other builds around her creations will never happen again. If it does, our future just simply will not work.
Which somehow brings me to the end of my entry for today. When will you see another entry? I can not guarantee this answer, but what I do know is one day, I will write here again. People will choose to read it if the so wish to get into my head a little bit. I will not post silly quiz results here. I will not post one line reviews to my favorite media. I will not give you a status update on my every little piece of info (I have a twitter account for that, which I love posting on). I will instead give insight as to what is going on currently in the life of Brian.