I suppose I'll drop the Vague Curtain now...
It's time to explain myself further, I suppose.
I met this guy last winter who, while I found him attractive, never really appealed that much to me... up until recently, and now I can't seem to get him out of my head.
The thing about meeting guys that don't fit into the mold you've made for yourself, the mold of the perfect companion-- for right now or for keeps-- is that it's not hard to believe that God couldn't possibly want this for you. This gets tricky, as, in my case, that means that I've convinced myself that my mold, my standard, for a worthwhile dating choice is right close to God's mold, God's standard, for a worthwhile dating choice for me.
(If any of that makes sense...)
I met this guy who is, let's face it, not someone you bring home to Mom and Dad. Hell, he's barely someone you admit to having feelings for around your friends. So, as he's not Wonder Mold boy, and I have feelings for him, and those feelings might be reciprocated (finally)...
... God MUST be ready to yank him away from me.
Alright, I just reread all of that nonsense up there that I just wrote... and it's really scary to me that that makes sense. How arrogant of me to assume that I have any idea on what God has in store for me... How arrogant of me to assume that I am too good for this guy, and should instead be dating more in my league...
How scary that this is my mindset going into this...
But, I tell you all that to tell you this-- I've turned into one of those girls I hate... one of those high maintenence girls who needs constant, deliberate reassurance of a relationship. I need to know a relationship is happening, I need to know he's thinking about me, that I didn't just imagine the last couple weeks...
... and yet I check my phone constantly and it just tells me the time and that "I eat food".
I'm mad at myself... sometimes for letting my imagination run away from itself, sometimes for being high strung and high maintenence, sometimes for getting mad at God for trying to sabotage this....
Ugghh. I hate this. I hate how something like attraction can strip away meticulously built defenses and facades of strength, and leave me feeling disgusted with myself when I look introspectively.
Stupid.
I met this guy last winter who, while I found him attractive, never really appealed that much to me... up until recently, and now I can't seem to get him out of my head.
The thing about meeting guys that don't fit into the mold you've made for yourself, the mold of the perfect companion-- for right now or for keeps-- is that it's not hard to believe that God couldn't possibly want this for you. This gets tricky, as, in my case, that means that I've convinced myself that my mold, my standard, for a worthwhile dating choice is right close to God's mold, God's standard, for a worthwhile dating choice for me.
(If any of that makes sense...)
I met this guy who is, let's face it, not someone you bring home to Mom and Dad. Hell, he's barely someone you admit to having feelings for around your friends. So, as he's not Wonder Mold boy, and I have feelings for him, and those feelings might be reciprocated (finally)...
... God MUST be ready to yank him away from me.
Alright, I just reread all of that nonsense up there that I just wrote... and it's really scary to me that that makes sense. How arrogant of me to assume that I have any idea on what God has in store for me... How arrogant of me to assume that I am too good for this guy, and should instead be dating more in my league...
How scary that this is my mindset going into this...
But, I tell you all that to tell you this-- I've turned into one of those girls I hate... one of those high maintenence girls who needs constant, deliberate reassurance of a relationship. I need to know a relationship is happening, I need to know he's thinking about me, that I didn't just imagine the last couple weeks...
... and yet I check my phone constantly and it just tells me the time and that "I eat food".
I'm mad at myself... sometimes for letting my imagination run away from itself, sometimes for being high strung and high maintenence, sometimes for getting mad at God for trying to sabotage this....
Ugghh. I hate this. I hate how something like attraction can strip away meticulously built defenses and facades of strength, and leave me feeling disgusted with myself when I look introspectively.
Stupid.