The Least
S.O.S. was this past week. It wasn't entirely monumental, but, I feel as though it deserves some mention in this here journal.
I've always been uncomfortable around the mentally handicapped. It's a hard feeling to describe... I'm not concerned of their being contagious, I'm not concerned to be in close vicinity to them, I'm not even concerned about what their conditions entail behaviorally...
... what I guess really scares me is the potential commitment. I can be nice, I can handle their quirks in small doses-- I just don't want to be tied down. I feel much the same way with small children. The idea of a moment of compassion meaning extended and persistent attention really turns me off.
But, (how like God?), I got assigned a girl in my group of kids with such a handicap. Her name was Jessica, and, to quote Erin, she was not hard to love, just required a lot of extra work. She could walk, but required a wheelchair for anything more than walking across a room. She didn't talk much, and the words she did manage to say sounded like she had cotton balls obstructing her throat. She liked to randomly scream out "YEAAAAHHH!!" every now and then. She also was very touchy-feely, and therefore very insensitive to my desire to not be hugged by any but those I'm close to, and my new piercings. She required an obscene amount of attention.
I was scared shitless.
I had every intention of being Super Leader... of connecting with every kid in my group... and I spent the week with Katie (my co-leader) and Jessica. Katie was in the same boat I was... both of us are inexperienced and nervous with the mentally handicapped... and the talks between us were mostly us venting about how unsure and uncomfortable we were and how we felt like we were missing out because of being tied down with Jessica.
I wish I were a better person, but there it is.
Night of Worship came around, Jeremy was getting baptized, and all I wanted to do was be with him and all those who were with him, but I was with Jessica, keeping her quiet and happy. The whole time she had a death grip about my shoulders, hugging me sideways. I started to pray-- started to think about "the least of my brothers" and every idea I had thrown at me about serving. I tried to coerce myself into not feeling like I was being held back, or worse, a martyr.
It didn't work. All I could think about was how I was not the Christ follower I should be... how my lack of compassion must be obvious to everyone...
... and Jessica hugged me closer, and I heard God (no joke) say, "despite whatever mistakes YOU FEEL you're making... she still loves you. I'm the same way."
It changed my week. I told Katie, and it changed her week too. But, still we struggled.
Friday night held an emotional talk for the whole of S.O.S... I was braced and ready to hear every sob story from every kid I could manage. But, Jessica/God in Jessica did more than I ever could have.
In an unusually clear voice, Jessica asked Katie and I to pray for her, which we did, then she got up without us and walked to where all the other kids were and started hugging everyone she could get a hold of.
I can only believe that I saw God all week in that girl. I can only believe that God used her more than anyone this past week. Hearts softened around her, whether out of pity or compassion, and she managed to touch lives. At one point, Mark said something to the ring of "it can be frustrating looking for God... but most of the time He's right next to you" and Jessica squeezed Katie's hand and my hand, causing both of us to tear up.
We weren't held back all week. We were blessed immeasurably. One thousand and one little stories about Jessica come to my mind... and the conglomerate picture is the face of God.
I've always been uncomfortable around the mentally handicapped. It's a hard feeling to describe... I'm not concerned of their being contagious, I'm not concerned to be in close vicinity to them, I'm not even concerned about what their conditions entail behaviorally...
... what I guess really scares me is the potential commitment. I can be nice, I can handle their quirks in small doses-- I just don't want to be tied down. I feel much the same way with small children. The idea of a moment of compassion meaning extended and persistent attention really turns me off.
But, (how like God?), I got assigned a girl in my group of kids with such a handicap. Her name was Jessica, and, to quote Erin, she was not hard to love, just required a lot of extra work. She could walk, but required a wheelchair for anything more than walking across a room. She didn't talk much, and the words she did manage to say sounded like she had cotton balls obstructing her throat. She liked to randomly scream out "YEAAAAHHH!!" every now and then. She also was very touchy-feely, and therefore very insensitive to my desire to not be hugged by any but those I'm close to, and my new piercings. She required an obscene amount of attention.
I was scared shitless.
I had every intention of being Super Leader... of connecting with every kid in my group... and I spent the week with Katie (my co-leader) and Jessica. Katie was in the same boat I was... both of us are inexperienced and nervous with the mentally handicapped... and the talks between us were mostly us venting about how unsure and uncomfortable we were and how we felt like we were missing out because of being tied down with Jessica.
I wish I were a better person, but there it is.
Night of Worship came around, Jeremy was getting baptized, and all I wanted to do was be with him and all those who were with him, but I was with Jessica, keeping her quiet and happy. The whole time she had a death grip about my shoulders, hugging me sideways. I started to pray-- started to think about "the least of my brothers" and every idea I had thrown at me about serving. I tried to coerce myself into not feeling like I was being held back, or worse, a martyr.
It didn't work. All I could think about was how I was not the Christ follower I should be... how my lack of compassion must be obvious to everyone...
... and Jessica hugged me closer, and I heard God (no joke) say, "despite whatever mistakes YOU FEEL you're making... she still loves you. I'm the same way."
It changed my week. I told Katie, and it changed her week too. But, still we struggled.
Friday night held an emotional talk for the whole of S.O.S... I was braced and ready to hear every sob story from every kid I could manage. But, Jessica/God in Jessica did more than I ever could have.
In an unusually clear voice, Jessica asked Katie and I to pray for her, which we did, then she got up without us and walked to where all the other kids were and started hugging everyone she could get a hold of.
I can only believe that I saw God all week in that girl. I can only believe that God used her more than anyone this past week. Hearts softened around her, whether out of pity or compassion, and she managed to touch lives. At one point, Mark said something to the ring of "it can be frustrating looking for God... but most of the time He's right next to you" and Jessica squeezed Katie's hand and my hand, causing both of us to tear up.
We weren't held back all week. We were blessed immeasurably. One thousand and one little stories about Jessica come to my mind... and the conglomerate picture is the face of God.