Photos and a very long update in which I try to turn my life around
I keep promising photos of things and I never make them, so now - have photos, for I have had very successful shopping trip :D
Showing off my new hat and shoes.
Shoes in close up. I think as far as winter boots go, I could have done much worse. They are actually two sizes to big, but it was the only pair in the entirety of Oxford I liked and it was the last pair they had in the shop of that type. It doesn't matter though, as I will wear them with nice fluffy inlays and thick socks. Also, for being the last pair in the shop, they were muchly reduced >:-3
I got some waterproofing spray for suede leather with it, which shall be diligently applied tomorrow.
Close up of awesome hat one with brim up. I prefer it that way. I had been hunting for a black hat to go with my black winter coat for ages, but could not find any. Today I happen to drift into my favourite hat shop in Oxford and found this beauty. It is made by a small firm in France and their general collection was amazing. There was another turquoise hat that was really lovely too, but I managed to resist it. This hat isn't quite as warm as my brown hat with the wool lining, but it looks much better with the black coat. It doesn't go quite over my ears, so I have decided to use a second scarf as a head scarf before putting on the hat to keep myself warm. Just wearing a hat always makes me feel much warmer though. <3 Hats!
Brim down. Makes my ears feel warmer and Garry likes it better that way.
Please compare the colour of my favourite scarf (as seen in picture) and my awesome hat number two and you will know why I could not resist this one. It is really fluffy and warm too. Slightly warmer than my other one actually (as it goes over my ears), but it doesn't look quite as cool.
Day before yesterday I went back to studying for my exam. I had talked to my mother about how I was feeling and how I was hating the situation I had gotten myself in and we had both decided that first I needed to get on with my exam and then consider things further. I spent an entire day working on one question and felt like throwing my Computer out of the window. In the end it turned out that the solution to my problem was using a command that our lecturer had told us over and over again that we should not use and that he NEVER used. Seriously, 2 out of our 6 lectures were just dedicated to how we should not use this command, so I hadn't even considered using it. Even while I was typing the command in, I was thinking "No way this will work, I am just grasping at straws". Yeah, but that was what did it. I spent about half an hour ranting and raving after that.
Then I dropped right into one of my worst black holes yet. I felt like I had made all these big steps to try to make things more bearable for myself and stop pushing myself to the verge of break down and then walked right back into my previous position. One step forward, two steps back sort of thing. It was really bad. I wished that something would happen to me like an injury or a severe illness, so I would finally get out of the current situation. Something that would keep me from having to go back to university and back into that awful Master degree.
I barely slept that night staying up and feeling horrible. I ended up sleeping a little on the sofa, but not much. In the morning I realised that I seriously had to change something in my life and that this was not acceptable. I spent most of my day on the sofa thinking about my life and how something had gone seriously wrong. Then I did a silly meme about my previous year on LJ and realised just how much of it was moaning and me being miserable. I tried thinking back and started counting just how many break downs I have had just in the last year and got scared. No question about it, I was doing something seriously wrong and both my body and my mind was shouting at me that things were going wrong, I just hadn't listened.
My mother had kindly offered to pay for me to live for a few months without having to work after my MSc, so I could have a chance to realise just what I wanted in life and where to go from there, but I realised that "After my MSc" was just not soon enough. That I did not want to risk another 9 months of break downs and wishes for me to finally collapse so I could get out of here.
And then I remembered something that both my mother and my councillor had said to me and I had always disregarded angrily: "You don't have to do this" At the time it sounded idiotic - of course I had to do this! I had to do well to get a job! To earn money! To become financially independent! To be successful in life! You don't get to the Imperial by chickening out of responsibility! By not working yourself to death! I am sure I wouldn't be so unhappy with life, if I just pulled myself together and got over myself!
You don't have to do this.
Just thinking about the fact that I didn't have to do this made me feel as if a mountain had been lifted of my shoulders. That I might be able to take my mother up on her lovely offer now and spend a few months figuring out what I wanted from life, because I felt as if I had wanted all the wrong things. "Doing well at life" is not defined as being miserable and where was the point in an amazing MSc when I had a break down? Where was the point in earning a lot of money, if I hated every minute of it? Why had I been so stupidly blind to all the warning signs my body had thrown at me? I kept reading and hearing how important it was to take care of yourself if you want to do well and that the true achievements in life might have little to do with money, but I don't think I ever believed it.
So, I am seriously considering breaking off my MSc. I know, getting a Master from the Imperial would be an amazing opportunity and look great on my CV, but I just don't think it is worth the price. I haven't decided yet, but I am almost certain. Yes, my pride will take a big dent and I am sure that a lot of people won't understand why I am throwing away this chance, especially when I have written almost exclusively As so far, but I feel that this is the right thing to do.
I talked about it with Garry and he told me he was very proud of me that I finally took a step to get out of being miserable. He was one of the people who had pushed me to see a councillor and was first hand witness to my various break downs. He told me that I should think my options through carefully and I should consider if I want to burn all bridges to the Imperial, but that he would stand behind me if I did. I explained that I was worried that if I went back, I might get back into the mindset that being miserable was just a price I had to pay for success. It took a lot for me the strength together to consider this step and I didn't want to slip back. He agreed and told me he could quite see that.
I talked about it with Tom, which was quite hard for me, as he was the first person outside my household that I confided in. Again, he was surprisingly supportive. I kept expecting someone to shout at me how the hell I could be so idiotic and why I couldn't pull myself together, but no one did. He told me that he made a similar "sudden realisation of unhappiness" experience when he was younger and that he was a lot happier for it. I tried to talk to my mum, but she was already asleep. I did do some more talking with Garry though and not that much sleeping again. It is hard to sleep when you are in the process of turning your life upside down.
In the morning my mum called in response to my message on her answering machine and I told her what had happened, how I fell right back into the big hole and how I needed to get out of all this. She was very supportive and we talked for over an hour. She recommended to me to go to my exam (prepared or not) and then go and visit her, so I could gain a bit of physical and emotional distance to the entire situation. I booked my tickets and then took her advice for a slightly more relaxed day. Garry and I went out to Oxford together, got the birthday present for his mother, two hats for me and winter boots that I desperately needed (snow and trainers don't go well together). We also went for food with Alex and Rob, which was really good fun. We hadn't been social in literally months (discounting family meals, that we had more or less been beaten into) and I think it both of us incredibly well to be around friends again. We both went home with the determination that we have to do things like these more often. I also mentioned my plans to Rob in passing and he was supportive too, which again surprised me. He is in a very frustrating situation himself, so I assumed that he would tell me that sometimes you just need to get on with things, but he said that if I thought that was the best for me, then that is what needed to be done. "Your final work is something you will do for most of your life, so you better make sure it is the right thing and makes you happy".
I am still not sure if I really want to break off my MSc, but a big part of me thinks it is the right step. More thinking will have to be done (although failing the exam on Tuesday would answer all questions for me), but I don't want to ever return to that big hole that I have come from.
Things I would like to do, if I do decide to break off my degree:
*Think, think and think some more. I need to figure out what I want in life and where I have gone wrong in the past.
*Learn to organise my life in a way that there is time for both work and play. I am still not good at self organisation - either I work myself to death or I procrastinate. I need to learn to relax in a manner that is relaxing, but also work in a productive and none procrastinating fashion.
*Rebuild my life in a way that won't mean I fall into a big hole again. I am not going to develop a mindset of "If it isn't fun, I shan't do it", but I need to stop ignoring warning signs that things are going wrong too.
*I want to try to live in a more conscious way as we say in German. I want to make sure I get enough liquid, bother to cook and do exercises. I need to rebuild my health after I have beaten it with a hammer for so long. More yoga is quite high up on the list too.
*Read lots of Psychology books. I need to make sure that I am not just enjoying this, because it is different from Computing and offers me a break from my current life. I need to still love it after I have read 20 books. Preferably in short succession. I want to get that feeling back that I had with Anthropology - that may be this particular module or class was crap, but that I still learned something interesting or at least read some interesting books, rather than what I have with Computing - that it was just a massive, frustrating waste of time.
*Buy a desktop. I have been going on about this for ages and have never done it. I have moaned about my neck and back cramps for ages, but still stared at my tiny computer screen non-the-less. I have always said that there is not enough money for one. Well, that is rubbish. There is enough money in savings, I just have to spend it. Why am I ruining my back for the sake of numbers on a slip of paper? I will most likely work with a computer for the rest of my life and if that means I need to start seeing the doctor with serious back pains at the age of 30, something has gone wrong. My doctor has also told me that many headaches, actually originate from neck cramps. I have many, many neck cramps and also a lot of headaches. May be I could replace my intake of pain killers and pills with a more healthy working posture? (The doctor also suggested that some of my headaches might be stress related, which leads me back to the relaxing thing and getting my life back under control). I need to stop putting money before my own well being and health.
So, that is all from me today. Sorry to write an essay, but I thought it was only fair to keep people up to date as to what is going on. Any comments, suggestions, questions, concerns or experiences are more than welcome.
Showing off my new hat and shoes.
Shoes in close up. I think as far as winter boots go, I could have done much worse. They are actually two sizes to big, but it was the only pair in the entirety of Oxford I liked and it was the last pair they had in the shop of that type. It doesn't matter though, as I will wear them with nice fluffy inlays and thick socks. Also, for being the last pair in the shop, they were muchly reduced >:-3
I got some waterproofing spray for suede leather with it, which shall be diligently applied tomorrow.
Close up of awesome hat one with brim up. I prefer it that way. I had been hunting for a black hat to go with my black winter coat for ages, but could not find any. Today I happen to drift into my favourite hat shop in Oxford and found this beauty. It is made by a small firm in France and their general collection was amazing. There was another turquoise hat that was really lovely too, but I managed to resist it. This hat isn't quite as warm as my brown hat with the wool lining, but it looks much better with the black coat. It doesn't go quite over my ears, so I have decided to use a second scarf as a head scarf before putting on the hat to keep myself warm. Just wearing a hat always makes me feel much warmer though. <3 Hats!
Brim down. Makes my ears feel warmer and Garry likes it better that way.
Please compare the colour of my favourite scarf (as seen in picture) and my awesome hat number two and you will know why I could not resist this one. It is really fluffy and warm too. Slightly warmer than my other one actually (as it goes over my ears), but it doesn't look quite as cool.
Day before yesterday I went back to studying for my exam. I had talked to my mother about how I was feeling and how I was hating the situation I had gotten myself in and we had both decided that first I needed to get on with my exam and then consider things further. I spent an entire day working on one question and felt like throwing my Computer out of the window. In the end it turned out that the solution to my problem was using a command that our lecturer had told us over and over again that we should not use and that he NEVER used. Seriously, 2 out of our 6 lectures were just dedicated to how we should not use this command, so I hadn't even considered using it. Even while I was typing the command in, I was thinking "No way this will work, I am just grasping at straws". Yeah, but that was what did it. I spent about half an hour ranting and raving after that.
Then I dropped right into one of my worst black holes yet. I felt like I had made all these big steps to try to make things more bearable for myself and stop pushing myself to the verge of break down and then walked right back into my previous position. One step forward, two steps back sort of thing. It was really bad. I wished that something would happen to me like an injury or a severe illness, so I would finally get out of the current situation. Something that would keep me from having to go back to university and back into that awful Master degree.
I barely slept that night staying up and feeling horrible. I ended up sleeping a little on the sofa, but not much. In the morning I realised that I seriously had to change something in my life and that this was not acceptable. I spent most of my day on the sofa thinking about my life and how something had gone seriously wrong. Then I did a silly meme about my previous year on LJ and realised just how much of it was moaning and me being miserable. I tried thinking back and started counting just how many break downs I have had just in the last year and got scared. No question about it, I was doing something seriously wrong and both my body and my mind was shouting at me that things were going wrong, I just hadn't listened.
My mother had kindly offered to pay for me to live for a few months without having to work after my MSc, so I could have a chance to realise just what I wanted in life and where to go from there, but I realised that "After my MSc" was just not soon enough. That I did not want to risk another 9 months of break downs and wishes for me to finally collapse so I could get out of here.
And then I remembered something that both my mother and my councillor had said to me and I had always disregarded angrily: "You don't have to do this" At the time it sounded idiotic - of course I had to do this! I had to do well to get a job! To earn money! To become financially independent! To be successful in life! You don't get to the Imperial by chickening out of responsibility! By not working yourself to death! I am sure I wouldn't be so unhappy with life, if I just pulled myself together and got over myself!
You don't have to do this.
Just thinking about the fact that I didn't have to do this made me feel as if a mountain had been lifted of my shoulders. That I might be able to take my mother up on her lovely offer now and spend a few months figuring out what I wanted from life, because I felt as if I had wanted all the wrong things. "Doing well at life" is not defined as being miserable and where was the point in an amazing MSc when I had a break down? Where was the point in earning a lot of money, if I hated every minute of it? Why had I been so stupidly blind to all the warning signs my body had thrown at me? I kept reading and hearing how important it was to take care of yourself if you want to do well and that the true achievements in life might have little to do with money, but I don't think I ever believed it.
So, I am seriously considering breaking off my MSc. I know, getting a Master from the Imperial would be an amazing opportunity and look great on my CV, but I just don't think it is worth the price. I haven't decided yet, but I am almost certain. Yes, my pride will take a big dent and I am sure that a lot of people won't understand why I am throwing away this chance, especially when I have written almost exclusively As so far, but I feel that this is the right thing to do.
I talked about it with Garry and he told me he was very proud of me that I finally took a step to get out of being miserable. He was one of the people who had pushed me to see a councillor and was first hand witness to my various break downs. He told me that I should think my options through carefully and I should consider if I want to burn all bridges to the Imperial, but that he would stand behind me if I did. I explained that I was worried that if I went back, I might get back into the mindset that being miserable was just a price I had to pay for success. It took a lot for me the strength together to consider this step and I didn't want to slip back. He agreed and told me he could quite see that.
I talked about it with Tom, which was quite hard for me, as he was the first person outside my household that I confided in. Again, he was surprisingly supportive. I kept expecting someone to shout at me how the hell I could be so idiotic and why I couldn't pull myself together, but no one did. He told me that he made a similar "sudden realisation of unhappiness" experience when he was younger and that he was a lot happier for it. I tried to talk to my mum, but she was already asleep. I did do some more talking with Garry though and not that much sleeping again. It is hard to sleep when you are in the process of turning your life upside down.
In the morning my mum called in response to my message on her answering machine and I told her what had happened, how I fell right back into the big hole and how I needed to get out of all this. She was very supportive and we talked for over an hour. She recommended to me to go to my exam (prepared or not) and then go and visit her, so I could gain a bit of physical and emotional distance to the entire situation. I booked my tickets and then took her advice for a slightly more relaxed day. Garry and I went out to Oxford together, got the birthday present for his mother, two hats for me and winter boots that I desperately needed (snow and trainers don't go well together). We also went for food with Alex and Rob, which was really good fun. We hadn't been social in literally months (discounting family meals, that we had more or less been beaten into) and I think it both of us incredibly well to be around friends again. We both went home with the determination that we have to do things like these more often. I also mentioned my plans to Rob in passing and he was supportive too, which again surprised me. He is in a very frustrating situation himself, so I assumed that he would tell me that sometimes you just need to get on with things, but he said that if I thought that was the best for me, then that is what needed to be done. "Your final work is something you will do for most of your life, so you better make sure it is the right thing and makes you happy".
I am still not sure if I really want to break off my MSc, but a big part of me thinks it is the right step. More thinking will have to be done (although failing the exam on Tuesday would answer all questions for me), but I don't want to ever return to that big hole that I have come from.
Things I would like to do, if I do decide to break off my degree:
*Think, think and think some more. I need to figure out what I want in life and where I have gone wrong in the past.
*Learn to organise my life in a way that there is time for both work and play. I am still not good at self organisation - either I work myself to death or I procrastinate. I need to learn to relax in a manner that is relaxing, but also work in a productive and none procrastinating fashion.
*Rebuild my life in a way that won't mean I fall into a big hole again. I am not going to develop a mindset of "If it isn't fun, I shan't do it", but I need to stop ignoring warning signs that things are going wrong too.
*I want to try to live in a more conscious way as we say in German. I want to make sure I get enough liquid, bother to cook and do exercises. I need to rebuild my health after I have beaten it with a hammer for so long. More yoga is quite high up on the list too.
*Read lots of Psychology books. I need to make sure that I am not just enjoying this, because it is different from Computing and offers me a break from my current life. I need to still love it after I have read 20 books. Preferably in short succession. I want to get that feeling back that I had with Anthropology - that may be this particular module or class was crap, but that I still learned something interesting or at least read some interesting books, rather than what I have with Computing - that it was just a massive, frustrating waste of time.
*Buy a desktop. I have been going on about this for ages and have never done it. I have moaned about my neck and back cramps for ages, but still stared at my tiny computer screen non-the-less. I have always said that there is not enough money for one. Well, that is rubbish. There is enough money in savings, I just have to spend it. Why am I ruining my back for the sake of numbers on a slip of paper? I will most likely work with a computer for the rest of my life and if that means I need to start seeing the doctor with serious back pains at the age of 30, something has gone wrong. My doctor has also told me that many headaches, actually originate from neck cramps. I have many, many neck cramps and also a lot of headaches. May be I could replace my intake of pain killers and pills with a more healthy working posture? (The doctor also suggested that some of my headaches might be stress related, which leads me back to the relaxing thing and getting my life back under control). I need to stop putting money before my own well being and health.
So, that is all from me today. Sorry to write an essay, but I thought it was only fair to keep people up to date as to what is going on. Any comments, suggestions, questions, concerns or experiences are more than welcome.