The year in Japan
Yesterday I spend a BRILLIANT evening with Jess, after randomly deciding that tidying up my room can wait just a little longer - plus the lovely woman had done my shopping for me, so I had to go and pick it up ^_^ We spend most of the time playing Animal Crossing (I have peaches!!! Lovely peaches of love! AND coconuts!!! I'm so happy! Now I'm only missing pears) and winding up guys on the internet. I have also been made number one porn star of animal crossing! I'm so proud *sniffes* Well, so we were winding up Kevin, when he suddenly stop thinking we were funny and went offline. After the giggling and the general "How boring, he stopped playing" had worn off, we both starting feeling guilty quite a bit. Winding up a guy who has just broke up with his long term girlfriend is really NOT the best idea. Somehow that thought didn't really cross my mind until afterwards though... Yeah, I never said I was smart... Anyway, in the random event you read this Kevin, which is not very likely - Jess and I are really sorry and didn't mean to offend you... SORRY!!!!
Anyway. Afterwards I splashed out a bit on e-bay - I know why I avoid that page when I'm at home god damn it - and when checking my bank balance to see how much I can actually afford I realized in shock that I have managed to burn through my entire months allowance this month - I normally never do that *is shocked* Well, the good news is, I didn't go over my allowance and my money is due next Monday... The bad news is that I have been spending faaaaaaar more then I normally do! Eeeep! Shall cut down on spending money! A lot!
Anyway - around half midnight I left for home, feeling very tired and even guiltier about the whole winding up Kevin thing, which set me off thinking about his and Emily's break up and how Garry and I will be facing the same problem they faced next year around the same time. A year apart is a hell of a long time, especially as Japan is not exactly around the corner... Living for a year in a totally different country and culture is a big thing - especially when you are going out with someone who hasn't exactly got a lot of interest in that country. Won't you come back as a totally different person after a year abroad? I think I trust Garry enough to know he won't go randomly screwing other people (though I still do not trust him with his ex girlfriend *throws uberevil glance in direction of Mrs. Heard-your-name-every-bloody-five-minutes-at-the-beginning-of-relationship-and-know-exactey-what-my-bf-thinks-of-your-behind aka ex girlfriend* No Amy, I don't mean you), but how much do I trust myself? Let's be honest - this is the first relationship (apart from the one with Uzaku and that only lasted a month) where I've actually been faithful. And after one quite evil fight Garry and I had, I WAS tempted to go astray. It was only down to a long talk I had with Charly that I changed my mind and told the other bloke to bugger off. Okay, may be I just needed that "how much do I want this relationship to work and how much do I care about my boyfriend" talk, cause I haven't even thought about cheating ever since, but still... Arg!
The worst thing is that I'm really, really looking forward to Japan. I love that country to bits, I love the food, I love the culture and I'm sure I will love my time in Tokyo. I mean this has always been my dream. Ever since I visited Tokyo I thought "I one day want to live here". But now I find myself with two conflicting dreams. One being going to Japan after university, working for Nintendo, living in a small apartment in the middle of Tokyo, the dream that has ultimately led me to being here at Brookes, because Brookes was the only university in the whole of the UK that offered Computing and Japanese as a course combination... And the other dream that of at some point moving together with Garry, having a dog and two cats, a bath tub you can fit two people in and a big Victorian bed with curtains (I know there is a name for that sort of bed, but I can’t think of it at the moment). Sipping Bushmill's (best whisky ever) every evening in front of the fire and all the rest of the settling-down-with-man-you-love dreams every girl must have. I really don't know what I want. At the moment I'm acting as if I'll go and work for Nintendo after uni anyway, but I know that that will at some point force me to give up one of my dreams. Garry would never want to live in Japan - to begin with he doesn't speak a word of Japanese - and anyway, he is really attached to his family (unlike me: half the globe between me and my family is exactly the right distance as far as I am concerned) so I don't think he'd ever want to move that far away from home... I know, I know - most of you will shout at me now, telling me that I'm getting ahead of myself. Garry and I have been just going out for under half a year (two days to go to be precise ^_^) and chances are we won't make it through university, but somehow I can't help thinking about it... I'm normally known for always knowing exactly what I want and have been pretty proud of that, but at the moment I really don't have the foggiest idea where I'm heading and that is driving me mad. I know it will sound incredibly selfish and presumably it is - but I just want both. I want Garry to come with me to Japan, change his entire life and plans for the future to be with me. But then I know he wouldn't be happy. He is as English as they get and I love him for being that way and I want him to be happy and I don't want to change him really. Somehow I know that there is no way my two dreams will ever work together and that makes me both incredibly sad and leads me back to the question what the hell I actually want. I know millions of women have asked the same question, but I will ask it again: "Do I want love or my dream career?" and I will shout what all these millions of women have shouted before me: "WHY THE HELL CAN’T I HAVE BOTH?!"
Anyway. Afterwards I splashed out a bit on e-bay - I know why I avoid that page when I'm at home god damn it - and when checking my bank balance to see how much I can actually afford I realized in shock that I have managed to burn through my entire months allowance this month - I normally never do that *is shocked* Well, the good news is, I didn't go over my allowance and my money is due next Monday... The bad news is that I have been spending faaaaaaar more then I normally do! Eeeep! Shall cut down on spending money! A lot!
Anyway - around half midnight I left for home, feeling very tired and even guiltier about the whole winding up Kevin thing, which set me off thinking about his and Emily's break up and how Garry and I will be facing the same problem they faced next year around the same time. A year apart is a hell of a long time, especially as Japan is not exactly around the corner... Living for a year in a totally different country and culture is a big thing - especially when you are going out with someone who hasn't exactly got a lot of interest in that country. Won't you come back as a totally different person after a year abroad? I think I trust Garry enough to know he won't go randomly screwing other people (though I still do not trust him with his ex girlfriend *throws uberevil glance in direction of Mrs. Heard-your-name-every-bloody-five-minutes-at-the-beginning-of-relationship-and-know-exactey-what-my-bf-thinks-of-your-behind aka ex girlfriend* No Amy, I don't mean you), but how much do I trust myself? Let's be honest - this is the first relationship (apart from the one with Uzaku and that only lasted a month) where I've actually been faithful. And after one quite evil fight Garry and I had, I WAS tempted to go astray. It was only down to a long talk I had with Charly that I changed my mind and told the other bloke to bugger off. Okay, may be I just needed that "how much do I want this relationship to work and how much do I care about my boyfriend" talk, cause I haven't even thought about cheating ever since, but still... Arg!
The worst thing is that I'm really, really looking forward to Japan. I love that country to bits, I love the food, I love the culture and I'm sure I will love my time in Tokyo. I mean this has always been my dream. Ever since I visited Tokyo I thought "I one day want to live here". But now I find myself with two conflicting dreams. One being going to Japan after university, working for Nintendo, living in a small apartment in the middle of Tokyo, the dream that has ultimately led me to being here at Brookes, because Brookes was the only university in the whole of the UK that offered Computing and Japanese as a course combination... And the other dream that of at some point moving together with Garry, having a dog and two cats, a bath tub you can fit two people in and a big Victorian bed with curtains (I know there is a name for that sort of bed, but I can’t think of it at the moment). Sipping Bushmill's (best whisky ever) every evening in front of the fire and all the rest of the settling-down-with-man-you-love dreams every girl must have. I really don't know what I want. At the moment I'm acting as if I'll go and work for Nintendo after uni anyway, but I know that that will at some point force me to give up one of my dreams. Garry would never want to live in Japan - to begin with he doesn't speak a word of Japanese - and anyway, he is really attached to his family (unlike me: half the globe between me and my family is exactly the right distance as far as I am concerned) so I don't think he'd ever want to move that far away from home... I know, I know - most of you will shout at me now, telling me that I'm getting ahead of myself. Garry and I have been just going out for under half a year (two days to go to be precise ^_^) and chances are we won't make it through university, but somehow I can't help thinking about it... I'm normally known for always knowing exactly what I want and have been pretty proud of that, but at the moment I really don't have the foggiest idea where I'm heading and that is driving me mad. I know it will sound incredibly selfish and presumably it is - but I just want both. I want Garry to come with me to Japan, change his entire life and plans for the future to be with me. But then I know he wouldn't be happy. He is as English as they get and I love him for being that way and I want him to be happy and I don't want to change him really. Somehow I know that there is no way my two dreams will ever work together and that makes me both incredibly sad and leads me back to the question what the hell I actually want. I know millions of women have asked the same question, but I will ask it again: "Do I want love or my dream career?" and I will shout what all these millions of women have shouted before me: "WHY THE HELL CAN’T I HAVE BOTH?!"