bah.
i really dont know what's happening this year.
i mean, suddenly on the 3rd of january, i discover that my mum and i turn from being Good Friends to like, Evil Nemesises. I can barely do anything not related to studies that doesnt make her snap. (oh, other than going to the gym.)
her personal agenda for the year appears to be to kill Nat's life outside of academics and anorexia.
she tisks, grumbles and nags when i burn CDs to get the lousy anime she's been complaining about for a YEAR out of the computer's system. and tells me i have half an hour to do so. '
the expression on her face when i mention that i want to do something slightly related to social!
and manga/anime is a total taboo word with her.
she shouted at me when she found me looking at an anime music site. not even the anime itself, just the music!
everytime i'm on the PC and she sees me doing so, she either tells me she needs the PC (usually for online shopping) or accuses me of reading manga - AGAIN.
it's the first week of school; we dont even know what we're going to be studying this year and she tells me i should be cracking the books.
she's pretty much told me that the last artemis fowl book, harry potter 7 and harry potter movie 5 (and all else i've been anticipating) are off the list and i might as well FORGET about them cos theres no way in hell i'm gonna actually touch them until October or November.
i mean, if this is what getting a 3.6 and getting into the RA for two subjects is going to get me, i'd rather jump ship and go to MGS. where theres less stress. i'd maybe even give up that phone my parents gave me and just save up to buy my own.
because really, if that's what's going to happen this year, i won't be able to take it.
i'm only allowed to read Chinese books - the disapproving look on her face when i read English tells all - not to mention English manga! (that's the worst.)
and when i look at everyone else and the liberty they have to make the choices they want - and the freedom to read whatever they please, do whatever they do without having to cover their backs - i feel very very envious.
i don't like the feeling.
when i read manga now, i'm so jumpy i keep looking around every page i turn to make sure she's not looking.
i make sure my manga is hidden in places she can't find; especially after she searched my bag (and interrogated me suspiciously about a Bleach calendar)
and i can only watch anime behind her back.
it's a nasty feeling. because i've trusted my mum my whole life, and i want her to trust me too. but i can't even trust her to trust me to take care of my own self, which results in this really horrible situation we've fallen into.
i know i tend to get emotional and overreact alot, but this is something i feel is really..wrong. i've heard that around this age our relationships with our parents tend to deteriorate, but still....!! i've trusted myself and my mum to be able to build up something which allows for some give-and-take and negotiation which would not deteriorate in me confessing my heart out to LJ. seriously.
and i wish she could see this, and at the same time i don't want her to. because it would hurt her, and at the same time make the situation worse.
but i want her to know what i'm really feeling.
the attitude she has towards me always gives me the impression that i should turn to her for every single decision i make in my life - and even if i really really want whatever it is - as long as she disapproves, i can't do anything about it.
and people whom i've spoken to - u know i've blamed most of this on the fact that my sis is taking PSLE this year.
but i can't help but wonder, is it more because my parents have higher expectations of me? they want me to do better, but can't trust me to do better, and so forcibly remove all distractions from me?
will that make me happy? will that make them happy?
what is more, i can't help but feel my mum is ashamed of me - because i'm not as good as my peers, my grades are only average - and let's not get started on my looks. before this it's hardly been mentioned, but recently my mum's taken to insulting me...about everything i do, say, eat, drink, and virtually everything i do goes unsatisfied in her eyes.
my mother's not the type to say out directly that you're fat. or that she thinks you're obese.
and gets your sister to back her up.
this must sound incredibly unreasonable, and maybe it's just teenage angst or whatnot.
ah wdv. i need to post this quick; mum's telling me to shower, and i can't leave this hanging on the screen - she'd blow a gasket about spilling your life out to a pool of Netizens.
teenage angst hits. possibly. at the worst time.
and i dont know how to handle it. completely.
it's going to be a sad, sad year.