the email i sent out to the girls
anywho so i'm in lily's room.. where i practically effing live (note the "effing" substitue for "fucking". absurd, i know. but you can't help it here at god first.) i have nothing to do here til effing 7:30 tonight... so i'm just chillin. lily went to go to see her STRENGTHS COUNSELOR. i have to do the same sometime soon.
you: "what the fuck is a strengths counselor, tin? is it because you are going clinically insane and need a stability counselor?"
me: "no, friend, it's even WORSE than that. here at god first since 1899, we believe that it is impertave that every freshman realizes and discovers his/her strengths. by taking a "strengths finder" test online, and with the counsel of a wiser, older student, we can be led to a better, more productive year. in christ's name, of course."
uuuggghh gaaaahhhd iiiddioot << napoleon anyone??
yah so life has been fairly tolerable. last night was AMAZING though. ok so you know how i practically effing live here? well.. by "here," i specifically mean adams, 2nd west. anwyho, this wing all got together and had an 80"s theme pizookie night at BJs and i went with them (of course) and it was oh my god absolutely to DIE for. i had a BLAST. laughed my ass off, no doubt. oh it was fun.
on a deeper level, i often lose myself on this pensive, surreal state. like, i'll just be sitting with lily, lia, and alyse... watching episode after episode of sex and the city... and i'll feel perfectly content. happy, smiling, COLLEGE life.
then i'll stop. realize that the people with whom i'm laughing are not the girls. the people with whom i'm laughing do NOT play basketball. are NOT black, mexican, or asian (or anycombination of the three) and i realize... this is really another chapter now. different characters, different plot.
these white girls were the very victims of MY mockery. and I was probably theirs.
but i'm smitten. fascinated. i LOVE with them all.
instead of snapping my fingers and pursing my lips to usher, alicia, the neptunes, or (god forbid) lil jon and ashanti..
i find myself lost in a trans, totally and utterly fixed on bands like death cab and the muse. moved and passionate about the genius of movies like garden state and donnie darko.
i find myself completely vulnerable and willing to sacrifice for these girls. these girls in whom i see the same hurt, the same pains.. that i have suffered and hidden throughout my life.
lily met her dad when she was 8. i met mine when i was 15.
it's like high school part 2. no one knows me, so no one knows how to judge me.
it's all so very new, so very intense and exciting. to put myself out there and have to retell the story i've had engraved n my heart and embedded in my mind for 18 years. to have to downright stomp on my ego, let down my guard and say,
"i'm tin. i'm filipino. born in new york. been in love once. met my dad at 15. lost my virginity at 16. broke the love of my life's heart at 17. said goodbye to all the people i loved probably more than i've ever loved before at 18. here i am now. bitter and uninviting. i'm not ready for you and your obsession with christianity. i'm not ready for you to be my new friends. i don't need you. i dont WANT you. i dont fucking NEED YOUUUUUUU!! please take me. please want me."
it's been 4 weeks. i already feel the change. in myself. in my life. i'm scared. terrified.
then suddenly it's dark again. the moon's up, with its majestic light streaking through my window and hitting my blinds. there's barely enough light for me to see my hands in front of my face.
but i look. and they're the same hands. the same arms as just a few months ago, that held so tightly to each one of your bodies as i embraced you everytime i saw you, or departed from you.
i look at my relection in my mirror. the contours of the glass distort my face. but i can still recognize me. still that same smile. still those same eyes.
i'm still me. i'm still tin.
just.. a little different now.
and i know that's the same for all of you. i know you are all in the process of change. of transformation. of discovery of re-discovery. you'll change. i'll change. it's inevitable.
but i don't care.
in 10 years, i'll look in the mirror again. i'll look even more different. even more change. then i'll close my eyes. get lost once again in that realm of surrealism and vulnerability. and i'll think to myself. and KNOW to myself. .
senior year of high school. i met the best people i'll have ever met in my life.
then i'll pick up the phone. call one, two, or all of you.
and say, while i look through my pictures and memorabilia...
"hey girl, we still on for tonight?"
cuz somethings just never change.
you: "what the fuck is a strengths counselor, tin? is it because you are going clinically insane and need a stability counselor?"
me: "no, friend, it's even WORSE than that. here at god first since 1899, we believe that it is impertave that every freshman realizes and discovers his/her strengths. by taking a "strengths finder" test online, and with the counsel of a wiser, older student, we can be led to a better, more productive year. in christ's name, of course."
uuuggghh gaaaahhhd iiiddioot << napoleon anyone??
yah so life has been fairly tolerable. last night was AMAZING though. ok so you know how i practically effing live here? well.. by "here," i specifically mean adams, 2nd west. anwyho, this wing all got together and had an 80"s theme pizookie night at BJs and i went with them (of course) and it was oh my god absolutely to DIE for. i had a BLAST. laughed my ass off, no doubt. oh it was fun.
on a deeper level, i often lose myself on this pensive, surreal state. like, i'll just be sitting with lily, lia, and alyse... watching episode after episode of sex and the city... and i'll feel perfectly content. happy, smiling, COLLEGE life.
then i'll stop. realize that the people with whom i'm laughing are not the girls. the people with whom i'm laughing do NOT play basketball. are NOT black, mexican, or asian (or anycombination of the three) and i realize... this is really another chapter now. different characters, different plot.
these white girls were the very victims of MY mockery. and I was probably theirs.
but i'm smitten. fascinated. i LOVE with them all.
instead of snapping my fingers and pursing my lips to usher, alicia, the neptunes, or (god forbid) lil jon and ashanti..
i find myself lost in a trans, totally and utterly fixed on bands like death cab and the muse. moved and passionate about the genius of movies like garden state and donnie darko.
i find myself completely vulnerable and willing to sacrifice for these girls. these girls in whom i see the same hurt, the same pains.. that i have suffered and hidden throughout my life.
lily met her dad when she was 8. i met mine when i was 15.
it's like high school part 2. no one knows me, so no one knows how to judge me.
it's all so very new, so very intense and exciting. to put myself out there and have to retell the story i've had engraved n my heart and embedded in my mind for 18 years. to have to downright stomp on my ego, let down my guard and say,
"i'm tin. i'm filipino. born in new york. been in love once. met my dad at 15. lost my virginity at 16. broke the love of my life's heart at 17. said goodbye to all the people i loved probably more than i've ever loved before at 18. here i am now. bitter and uninviting. i'm not ready for you and your obsession with christianity. i'm not ready for you to be my new friends. i don't need you. i dont WANT you. i dont fucking NEED YOUUUUUUU!! please take me. please want me."
it's been 4 weeks. i already feel the change. in myself. in my life. i'm scared. terrified.
then suddenly it's dark again. the moon's up, with its majestic light streaking through my window and hitting my blinds. there's barely enough light for me to see my hands in front of my face.
but i look. and they're the same hands. the same arms as just a few months ago, that held so tightly to each one of your bodies as i embraced you everytime i saw you, or departed from you.
i look at my relection in my mirror. the contours of the glass distort my face. but i can still recognize me. still that same smile. still those same eyes.
i'm still me. i'm still tin.
just.. a little different now.
and i know that's the same for all of you. i know you are all in the process of change. of transformation. of discovery of re-discovery. you'll change. i'll change. it's inevitable.
but i don't care.
in 10 years, i'll look in the mirror again. i'll look even more different. even more change. then i'll close my eyes. get lost once again in that realm of surrealism and vulnerability. and i'll think to myself. and KNOW to myself. .
senior year of high school. i met the best people i'll have ever met in my life.
then i'll pick up the phone. call one, two, or all of you.
and say, while i look through my pictures and memorabilia...
"hey girl, we still on for tonight?"
cuz somethings just never change.