2009 is almost over.
Thank, God!!!!
I am crossing my fingers the next three and something minutes are uneventful...though I'm a bit paranoid.
So, in 2009, I moved back to St. Louis. Watched my father-in-law die slowly and assisted with weeks' of hospice care. Lost Mike to a random robbery/murder. Buried my FIL on what would have been Mike's 33rd birthday.
Finances sucked early this year and were awful during the whole moving back to StL/FIL dying months. They are starting to look up.
I've been a less than joyful person following the deaths. Less patient, less compassionate, less organized, less focused. I've been more anxious, more depressed, more self-reflective...more hopeful...
More hopeful that I am now feeling as if I am getting able to accept Mike's untimely death. More hopeful that I can bask in the memory of my FIL and not dwell in his death. More hopeful that I can regain sight of the mom I was when we lived in AZ.
I still consider myself a good mom, but I'm too self-obsessed right now. I nitpick at my DD more. I spend less quality time with her. I do less public outings.
I suck as a wife pretty much right now. I think a lot of it is because Mike's gone. It's not really something I can chat with my husband about. Yes, I loved Mike and had a connection with him that I will never have with anyone else, but that does not mean anything when it comes to my marriage. It doesn't mean I don't love DH or that I think less of him or that I regret anything. I just have to get my emotions sorted in my head.
I am snide to DH at times. I am cold more often than not. He doesn't deserve the treatment and is thankfully patient. I've begun taking some supplments (vitamins, herbs, etc) to see if they have a positive impact on my mood. At this point, it does look hopeful. I'm feeling a bit more focused and patient.
I'll give it another month or so. If I am still in this 2009 created rut, I am going to talk to a doc about getting back on antidepressants and xanax again. I don't want to, but I'm not going to rule it out.
I need to get back on track somehow, and I know I will.
Tomorrow is 2010. This year must be better. There is no choice in the matter.
2010 will be better.
Fuck you, 2009. Go away and take your memories with you.
I am crossing my fingers the next three and something minutes are uneventful...though I'm a bit paranoid.
So, in 2009, I moved back to St. Louis. Watched my father-in-law die slowly and assisted with weeks' of hospice care. Lost Mike to a random robbery/murder. Buried my FIL on what would have been Mike's 33rd birthday.
Finances sucked early this year and were awful during the whole moving back to StL/FIL dying months. They are starting to look up.
I've been a less than joyful person following the deaths. Less patient, less compassionate, less organized, less focused. I've been more anxious, more depressed, more self-reflective...more hopeful...
More hopeful that I am now feeling as if I am getting able to accept Mike's untimely death. More hopeful that I can bask in the memory of my FIL and not dwell in his death. More hopeful that I can regain sight of the mom I was when we lived in AZ.
I still consider myself a good mom, but I'm too self-obsessed right now. I nitpick at my DD more. I spend less quality time with her. I do less public outings.
I suck as a wife pretty much right now. I think a lot of it is because Mike's gone. It's not really something I can chat with my husband about. Yes, I loved Mike and had a connection with him that I will never have with anyone else, but that does not mean anything when it comes to my marriage. It doesn't mean I don't love DH or that I think less of him or that I regret anything. I just have to get my emotions sorted in my head.
I am snide to DH at times. I am cold more often than not. He doesn't deserve the treatment and is thankfully patient. I've begun taking some supplments (vitamins, herbs, etc) to see if they have a positive impact on my mood. At this point, it does look hopeful. I'm feeling a bit more focused and patient.
I'll give it another month or so. If I am still in this 2009 created rut, I am going to talk to a doc about getting back on antidepressants and xanax again. I don't want to, but I'm not going to rule it out.
I need to get back on track somehow, and I know I will.
Tomorrow is 2010. This year must be better. There is no choice in the matter.
2010 will be better.
Fuck you, 2009. Go away and take your memories with you.