yeuck.... ahhhhh..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
you know, if i would have known that attempting to go home where i actually like people would have been this big of a deal and dramatic of an experience, i would have never left- this is so not worth it and i really just dont want to come back. i need a job... more than one. i need to save money to get the f*** out of here. i could probably crash at someone's til i got another job. then i could just get my own apartment, and be rid of the psychos that bring down in the first place. and here she is again... all she does is bitch bitch bitch... even when she's being nice it comes out as bitching... ugh, and that voice! it's too deep to be that shrill... it's awful. i can't take it anymore! i'm suffocating and all they care about is how empty the house will be without me.... like i give a flying fuck anymore. i'm 19, not 12. guilt trips like that don't work on me anymore. my mom says "oh, you don't know what you'd do without me".... yes i do! it's called "i'd be sane without you"... i should write a song. crazy ass people... ugh, and my bastard father who blames me for everything wrong in this world that he could possibly think of... oh yes, it's true... did you know that according to him, i am personally responsible fo hitler's beliefs about jews?? yes, this is true, and rather interesting in my opinion seeing as how my idiot father's mother wasn't even born at that point in history, so there is no way i could have been. and no, he doesn't mean that "in a past life" mumbo jumbo hoopla either... he means seriously, i me myself the person speaking at this moment is entirely responsible for the erradication of millions of people in a particular population. oh, and 911, yea, he says that's my fault too. amazing huh? oo, and the school shootings? because of me, and people like me. people getting murdered, children being kidnapped and killed and run over and abused, women getting raped, yea, apparantly, i'm personally responsible for all of this.... and he wonders aloud why i never tell him "i love you" unless i'm forced to by my mother with the threat of cutting off my monetary allowance of crap. ugh, dont get me wrong, i love my mom, but she puts herself too deep into my life, and it really bothers me. if i want to tell her something i will, but i don't appreciate the fact that she probes, and has conversations with whoever calls either my cell or the house phone when it's obviously for me, and then relays what they wanted to talk to ME about. why does she do this? because she's crazy. because she's trying to live vicariously through me. do you know that she's trying to pin me to pierce for marriage? i find it fucking hilarious... i'm not going to marry him. everytime i want to do something with him it's always "rodney, stop, thera might marry this boy!" it's amazing.