(no subject)
Saaay. Remember that time I had a livejournal?
I sure forgot but since I have a bit of free time, I thought it might be nice to share some thoughts.
I'm having a hard time in life right now. I'm pregnant yes...happy? Not most of the time. Times I am happy are when I'm working and talking to people at work and being around people in general is very...refreshing. Most of the time I spend at home I am alone, and it's very lonely and I get sad alot. I cry probably every day. It's not easy when you have no control over practically everything you used to have control of.
Imagine...I don't have control over my weight which bothers me. I have issues with what I see in the mirror. Yes, I understand, I'm pregnant. But I don't enjoy my body. Especially since I had a problem with it in the first place, and I lost like 20 pounds and now I'm gaining it all back and then some. It is frustrating to put on clothes and then have to change 5 more times because nothing I own fits me.
I have no control over my emotions. I am a walking dramatic film. It's completely and utterly pathetic. If you could see myself at my house brushing my hair or doing anything completely average and normal and suddenly breaking into a mess of tears. That's me! Anything and everything seems to upset me. Mind you...it's mostly things that have to do with Nicholas. But it's not like he's any different than he was before. But everything he does pretty much isn't good enough for me. And I cry when I lose things, things don't fit, etc etc etc. Pretty much all things make me cry.
I have no control over my body!!! Or mind. I forget things all the time now. There's a thing inside me that moves when I don't want it to. I fart when I don't want to. Hey.. I do enjoy farting, but I just can't hold it in. Sometimes it passes without my knowledge of it happening. My breasts are beyond normal size..and they are only going to be getting bigger. I can't lift my legs as high...or do anything dancewise...that I wish I could do.
Above all...it's been frustrating, and I really can't wait until it's over.
The positives...I do go shopping for new clothes which can be exciting except now its for maternity pants and size Large shirts which I'm not entirely used to. And I am slightly excited to have my own minime...even though it's a boy. Sometimes when he moves around it's exciting. And it's romantic to share that with Nicholas and have him touching my stomach or listening to my belly or rubbing my belly. When other people touch my belly..I admit it's quite strange. I don't see the fascination with it..but I guess it doesn't bother me too much. I'm about to start my own family which is beyond weird or any thought I could even imagine. It freaks me out. My family has been really supportive which is something I was scared of. I just wish Nick was around more.
One thing I really wish I could do right now...which I realized today. I would love to drink some alcoholic beverages and get completely trashed. Then all this stress and emotional crap could go away for like a night and I could just have that wonderful buzz like feeling. I won't be able to drink for some time now. Especially since I'm planning on breastfeeding. But man....I can't wait for that day/or night when I can get wasted. I miss little things like that. But for now...I just shop when I get upset. It's almost as good. :)
I sure forgot but since I have a bit of free time, I thought it might be nice to share some thoughts.
I'm having a hard time in life right now. I'm pregnant yes...happy? Not most of the time. Times I am happy are when I'm working and talking to people at work and being around people in general is very...refreshing. Most of the time I spend at home I am alone, and it's very lonely and I get sad alot. I cry probably every day. It's not easy when you have no control over practically everything you used to have control of.
Imagine...I don't have control over my weight which bothers me. I have issues with what I see in the mirror. Yes, I understand, I'm pregnant. But I don't enjoy my body. Especially since I had a problem with it in the first place, and I lost like 20 pounds and now I'm gaining it all back and then some. It is frustrating to put on clothes and then have to change 5 more times because nothing I own fits me.
I have no control over my emotions. I am a walking dramatic film. It's completely and utterly pathetic. If you could see myself at my house brushing my hair or doing anything completely average and normal and suddenly breaking into a mess of tears. That's me! Anything and everything seems to upset me. Mind you...it's mostly things that have to do with Nicholas. But it's not like he's any different than he was before. But everything he does pretty much isn't good enough for me. And I cry when I lose things, things don't fit, etc etc etc. Pretty much all things make me cry.
I have no control over my body!!! Or mind. I forget things all the time now. There's a thing inside me that moves when I don't want it to. I fart when I don't want to. Hey.. I do enjoy farting, but I just can't hold it in. Sometimes it passes without my knowledge of it happening. My breasts are beyond normal size..and they are only going to be getting bigger. I can't lift my legs as high...or do anything dancewise...that I wish I could do.
Above all...it's been frustrating, and I really can't wait until it's over.
The positives...I do go shopping for new clothes which can be exciting except now its for maternity pants and size Large shirts which I'm not entirely used to. And I am slightly excited to have my own minime...even though it's a boy. Sometimes when he moves around it's exciting. And it's romantic to share that with Nicholas and have him touching my stomach or listening to my belly or rubbing my belly. When other people touch my belly..I admit it's quite strange. I don't see the fascination with it..but I guess it doesn't bother me too much. I'm about to start my own family which is beyond weird or any thought I could even imagine. It freaks me out. My family has been really supportive which is something I was scared of. I just wish Nick was around more.
One thing I really wish I could do right now...which I realized today. I would love to drink some alcoholic beverages and get completely trashed. Then all this stress and emotional crap could go away for like a night and I could just have that wonderful buzz like feeling. I won't be able to drink for some time now. Especially since I'm planning on breastfeeding. But man....I can't wait for that day/or night when I can get wasted. I miss little things like that. But for now...I just shop when I get upset. It's almost as good. :)