Fic: I'll Take It By Your Side [Adam/Danny, r, one-shot] - WARNING: character death
Title: I’ll Take It By Your Side
Author: tinkertoo
Pairing: Adam Lambert/Danny Gokey
Rating: R
Warning(s): character death, angst
Summary: You're slipping slowly from my reach, you grow me like an evergreen, you've never seen the lonely me at all - Without you, I'm nothing at all
A/N: written for queenbitchfest with the song Without You, I'm Nothing by Placebo & David Bowie. also, thanks to thethingiswhat for beta-ing for me =)
He walked out with tear stained cheeks, his eyes and face red, and glasses spotted with water drops. He didn’t even think, just wrapped his arms around the older man, whispering words of comfort that he still believed. How foolish he was.
He was surrounded in darkness, left alone with his thoughts. He should turn on the light, pull himself out of this slump. Oh wait, there was no electricity; he’d forgot to pay that. And he just couldn’t bring himself to open the blinds. Danny loved the sun, had always allowed the sunshine into their home, so something that should bring light to him would just cause more memories, more sadness. If it was even possible for him to get lower than this.
”It’ll be alright. They’ll find a cure long before I’m gone.” He was grinning, false hope coloring his features.
“Yeah, I’m sure they will.” At the time, he was. Danny was strong, Danny could fight through anything so there was no way he wouldn’t make it through this too.
How quickly he was corrected by whatever god had something against them.
”You can leave you know. Sitting in a hospital all day can’t be fun.” He was starting to give up, Adam could tell. This was more than just an out for the night; this was Danny offering him an out for life. They both knew they didn’t have much longer.
“No, but you’re doing it.” He perched himself on the edge of Danny’s bed and took one hand in his own. “I wouldn’t leave for anything. We’re in this together, remember?” That last gleam of hope was shining in his eye, hoping for that little chance that maybe, just maybe, they’d make it out of this.
He wished he could just remember the good times, after the show, after their albums and tours, when they had both taken a break and had time to themselves. When feelings stopped being hidden and they admitted to themselves then to each other that it was more than just friendship that kept them connected even as they’d lost touch with pretty much everyone else from their Idol family.
”This is something else. Something more.” Danny was tucked under his arm, curled into his side. He wasn’t sure when they’d gotten so touchy-feely with each other but he couldn’t say he minded it.
“Yeah.” Danny looked so content, he’d probably agree to whatever Adam said. They’d become so comfortable together. It was clear to him what was happening, but he still had to force those words out.
“I love you. You know that, right?”
He could hear the smile in Danny’s voice as he replied, “Yeah,” and, a few seconds later, “I love you too.”
He wanted those days back. Lazy days when everything was so easy. But now even the happy memories came tainted with sorrow and loss.
”I love you.” His voice was cracking, causing Adam’s heart to break just a little more. Danny looked so tired, so weak. He hated watching him like this, but there was no way he’d leave him to go through this alone.
He made himself smile and put on his best ‘It’ll all be okay’ face as he leaned over Danny, fingers gently grazing ice cold, pale as snow skin.
“Yeah. I love you too.”
“Adam?” He heard the voice but didn’t respond, just continued to stare at the closed blinds like they would give him all the answers he needed. He barely even registered Neil’s hand on his arm, trying to pull him up from his chair like it would pull him out of this state.
“Come on Adam, it’s been weeks. You need to get out of this house. You know he wouldn’t want you living like this.”
“How do you know what he’d want?” But his voice was hollow and empty, barely a low whisper. He knew his brother was right. Danny would want him to get on with life, but he didn’t think he could. He didn’t have Danny’s strength and he couldn’t come out of tragedy stronger. Instead it crushed him, surrounding him in memories and misery.
“I know he’d hate to see you like this. Come on, get dressed and let’s go to lunch. You haven’t eaten today, have you?” He only shook his head as he mumbled words about not being hungry and how they should all just leave him alone, let him deal with this on his own.
”This is amazing.” His face lit up as he chewed another bite of steak mixed with potatoes. But by now Adam wasn’t sure he could even taste it, thought that maybe he was just putting on the happy and satisfied face for Adam’s benefit.
“Glad you like it babe.” He kept on his happy face too. That was how it was now, each keeping up appearances for the other’s sake. “I’ll make it again sometime soon.” He wouldn’t let his mind go near the possibility that there might not be a ‘sometime soon.’ He couldn’t think about that.
“Hey,” Neil’s voice brought his mind back to reality, “how about the steak? That’s your favorite thing from here, right? It’ll be my treat.”
“No,” he said simply, trying to stay in the present. “It’s Danny’s favorite, not mine.” Not anymore, anyway. He couldn’t enjoy it now. Or anything.
Neil sighed. “Look, I know you’re upset. I get that, okay? But you can’t just put your life on hold because he’s gone.”
“He was my life.”
Another sigh from his brother. Neil could tell this wouldn’t be a fight he’d win. “We’re not leaving til you’ve ate something.”
Driving back from the hospital, neither one would look at the other. They knew very well what being discharged while still sick meant. It meant the end was nearing and there was nothing else they could do. Adam still told himself they were wrong and cursed them publicly for just giving up. He just didn’t want to admit that time was still running out, that it was almost over. It seemed that they’d barely had any time together.
Danny stared out the window as Adam drove. He couldn’t stand to look over at him, see the sadness written across his face. He focused on the road, but that didn’t stop his mind from wandering. Didn’t stop him from swerving without realizing it either. He didn’t even noticed he was in the grass until he felt Danny’s hands over his on the wheel, guiding them back to the road. “It’ll be okay,” Danny was whispering to him. “Stop worrying.”
He’d forced down about three bites of a salad before giving up. It had no taste, just felt like he was chewing paper. Neil gave up after an hour and finally conceded to drive him back home. Except they weren’t heading home, though Adam didn’t notice until they were already far gone from the city and driving down a little one lane road.
“Where are we going?” he asked dully.
“On a drive. We’re keeping you out of that house just a little longer.’ Adam’s attempted glare just made him smile. “You’ll thank me later, promise.”
”It’s nice out.” They were sitting on the porch, facing the fading sun, curled together on the swing. He wished he could freeze time at that exact moment, just he and Danny, just like this. It was in moments like this that he could actually make himself forget, could have his mind sure that this was a normal night, that this was how it would be forever.
Neil didn’t know this place very well, it just seemed like a nice open field. He’d obviously hoped the fresh air and space would clear Adam’s head. How was he to know where they really were? That Adam would act on the first thought in his head when his eyes spotted the water below? He hadn’t even thought that the drop would be so far, had thought it was just a little jump into shallow water.
He ran to the spot when he realized what was happening. But he couldn’t get there in time. All he could see below were rocks and crashing waves. He’d be stupid to think jumping in after would save him; that’d just have them both dead.
”Come here. Lay down with me one more time.”
“Shut up, it’s not the end and you know it.” They both knew he was just fooling himself. And he still obeyed, curled up right beside Danny, arms wound tightly around his now tiny form, as if holding onto him forever would keep him there. Danny pried one hand’s fingers from around his side and linked them with his own fingers.
“I love you.” His eyes were shut to the world before he could hear those words back.
Author: tinkertoo
Pairing: Adam Lambert/Danny Gokey
Rating: R
Warning(s): character death, angst
Summary: You're slipping slowly from my reach, you grow me like an evergreen, you've never seen the lonely me at all - Without you, I'm nothing at all
A/N: written for queenbitchfest with the song Without You, I'm Nothing by Placebo & David Bowie. also, thanks to thethingiswhat for beta-ing for me =)
He walked out with tear stained cheeks, his eyes and face red, and glasses spotted with water drops. He didn’t even think, just wrapped his arms around the older man, whispering words of comfort that he still believed. How foolish he was.
He was surrounded in darkness, left alone with his thoughts. He should turn on the light, pull himself out of this slump. Oh wait, there was no electricity; he’d forgot to pay that. And he just couldn’t bring himself to open the blinds. Danny loved the sun, had always allowed the sunshine into their home, so something that should bring light to him would just cause more memories, more sadness. If it was even possible for him to get lower than this.
”It’ll be alright. They’ll find a cure long before I’m gone.” He was grinning, false hope coloring his features.
“Yeah, I’m sure they will.” At the time, he was. Danny was strong, Danny could fight through anything so there was no way he wouldn’t make it through this too.
How quickly he was corrected by whatever god had something against them.
”You can leave you know. Sitting in a hospital all day can’t be fun.” He was starting to give up, Adam could tell. This was more than just an out for the night; this was Danny offering him an out for life. They both knew they didn’t have much longer.
“No, but you’re doing it.” He perched himself on the edge of Danny’s bed and took one hand in his own. “I wouldn’t leave for anything. We’re in this together, remember?” That last gleam of hope was shining in his eye, hoping for that little chance that maybe, just maybe, they’d make it out of this.
He wished he could just remember the good times, after the show, after their albums and tours, when they had both taken a break and had time to themselves. When feelings stopped being hidden and they admitted to themselves then to each other that it was more than just friendship that kept them connected even as they’d lost touch with pretty much everyone else from their Idol family.
”This is something else. Something more.” Danny was tucked under his arm, curled into his side. He wasn’t sure when they’d gotten so touchy-feely with each other but he couldn’t say he minded it.
“Yeah.” Danny looked so content, he’d probably agree to whatever Adam said. They’d become so comfortable together. It was clear to him what was happening, but he still had to force those words out.
“I love you. You know that, right?”
He could hear the smile in Danny’s voice as he replied, “Yeah,” and, a few seconds later, “I love you too.”
He wanted those days back. Lazy days when everything was so easy. But now even the happy memories came tainted with sorrow and loss.
”I love you.” His voice was cracking, causing Adam’s heart to break just a little more. Danny looked so tired, so weak. He hated watching him like this, but there was no way he’d leave him to go through this alone.
He made himself smile and put on his best ‘It’ll all be okay’ face as he leaned over Danny, fingers gently grazing ice cold, pale as snow skin.
“Yeah. I love you too.”
“Adam?” He heard the voice but didn’t respond, just continued to stare at the closed blinds like they would give him all the answers he needed. He barely even registered Neil’s hand on his arm, trying to pull him up from his chair like it would pull him out of this state.
“Come on Adam, it’s been weeks. You need to get out of this house. You know he wouldn’t want you living like this.”
“How do you know what he’d want?” But his voice was hollow and empty, barely a low whisper. He knew his brother was right. Danny would want him to get on with life, but he didn’t think he could. He didn’t have Danny’s strength and he couldn’t come out of tragedy stronger. Instead it crushed him, surrounding him in memories and misery.
“I know he’d hate to see you like this. Come on, get dressed and let’s go to lunch. You haven’t eaten today, have you?” He only shook his head as he mumbled words about not being hungry and how they should all just leave him alone, let him deal with this on his own.
”This is amazing.” His face lit up as he chewed another bite of steak mixed with potatoes. But by now Adam wasn’t sure he could even taste it, thought that maybe he was just putting on the happy and satisfied face for Adam’s benefit.
“Glad you like it babe.” He kept on his happy face too. That was how it was now, each keeping up appearances for the other’s sake. “I’ll make it again sometime soon.” He wouldn’t let his mind go near the possibility that there might not be a ‘sometime soon.’ He couldn’t think about that.
“Hey,” Neil’s voice brought his mind back to reality, “how about the steak? That’s your favorite thing from here, right? It’ll be my treat.”
“No,” he said simply, trying to stay in the present. “It’s Danny’s favorite, not mine.” Not anymore, anyway. He couldn’t enjoy it now. Or anything.
Neil sighed. “Look, I know you’re upset. I get that, okay? But you can’t just put your life on hold because he’s gone.”
“He was my life.”
Another sigh from his brother. Neil could tell this wouldn’t be a fight he’d win. “We’re not leaving til you’ve ate something.”
Driving back from the hospital, neither one would look at the other. They knew very well what being discharged while still sick meant. It meant the end was nearing and there was nothing else they could do. Adam still told himself they were wrong and cursed them publicly for just giving up. He just didn’t want to admit that time was still running out, that it was almost over. It seemed that they’d barely had any time together.
Danny stared out the window as Adam drove. He couldn’t stand to look over at him, see the sadness written across his face. He focused on the road, but that didn’t stop his mind from wandering. Didn’t stop him from swerving without realizing it either. He didn’t even noticed he was in the grass until he felt Danny’s hands over his on the wheel, guiding them back to the road. “It’ll be okay,” Danny was whispering to him. “Stop worrying.”
He’d forced down about three bites of a salad before giving up. It had no taste, just felt like he was chewing paper. Neil gave up after an hour and finally conceded to drive him back home. Except they weren’t heading home, though Adam didn’t notice until they were already far gone from the city and driving down a little one lane road.
“Where are we going?” he asked dully.
“On a drive. We’re keeping you out of that house just a little longer.’ Adam’s attempted glare just made him smile. “You’ll thank me later, promise.”
”It’s nice out.” They were sitting on the porch, facing the fading sun, curled together on the swing. He wished he could freeze time at that exact moment, just he and Danny, just like this. It was in moments like this that he could actually make himself forget, could have his mind sure that this was a normal night, that this was how it would be forever.
Neil didn’t know this place very well, it just seemed like a nice open field. He’d obviously hoped the fresh air and space would clear Adam’s head. How was he to know where they really were? That Adam would act on the first thought in his head when his eyes spotted the water below? He hadn’t even thought that the drop would be so far, had thought it was just a little jump into shallow water.
He ran to the spot when he realized what was happening. But he couldn’t get there in time. All he could see below were rocks and crashing waves. He’d be stupid to think jumping in after would save him; that’d just have them both dead.
”Come here. Lay down with me one more time.”
“Shut up, it’s not the end and you know it.” They both knew he was just fooling himself. And he still obeyed, curled up right beside Danny, arms wound tightly around his now tiny form, as if holding onto him forever would keep him there. Danny pried one hand’s fingers from around his side and linked them with his own fingers.
“I love you.” His eyes were shut to the world before he could hear those words back.