(no subject)
I'm moving back home to Fort Lauderdale, FL.
Been here since Thursday evening. Been trying to make peace with Broward county ever since.
Seen Eddie a few times. It's been weird, but okay. He checks up on me constantly to make sure things are... okay. It's been nice.
I like having mom around. And I like not having to worry about things. I've finally found comfort in a place that once felt like a prison. Which makes me realize my situation in Gainesville is more like a prison than I've ever known.
I'm struggling in Gainesville. It's mostly money. It's a little bit emotional. I have these big dreams of being completely independent, but in reality I need to take a step back before I can even think about moving forward.
Here it is. Home. I once said I was never going to return. Now here I am pricing Uhauls.
I guess it's better to own up to my inability to support myself. I have the means to get back on my feet. I might as well take advantage. Beggers can't be choosers.
My grandmother used to say that, by the way. I've been thinking about her a lot. I used to live with her in this house, and when I didn't, I lived across the patio with my parents. That's what I get for living in a duplex.
I'm currently sleeping in her storeroom. All her stuff was moved in here after she died, and my aunt moved in. The other day I found a tiny box with my name on it "For Katrina". Inside was a charm of a Carousel pony. That's when it hit me. She's dead.
Now mind you, my grandmother died the summer I turned 15. I actually lost 3 grandparents that summer. Wasn't a swell time, but my entire life hasn't been a swell time.
I was living with her when she was dying. It was hard time. My mom and aunt were not taking it very well so I had to take charge.
When she finally died. Right in the room next to where I am right now, I was the one who found her. Laying there breathless in her bedroom. It was me who checked her pulse. Her breath. Sat down on the bed to close her eyes, and shut her mouth that had been gasping for air for the past 4 days. I couldn't cry... mom was in the living room, and I knew she wasn't going to take it well. Obviously she wasn't.
I was the one who had to walk out of the room and tell my mother HER mother was dead.
I was only fifteen years old.
Seriously the whole situation didn't hit me until just the other day.
I miss her. I miss things about this home. This city.
Haley and I went for a walk last night. It was the same path I used to walk our first lab, Shadow. I realized nothing about me was the same as when before I moved to Gainesville. Everything was differet except the size of my breasts. Those have been the same size since 5th grade, unfortunately.
So much shit runs through my mind while I'm here.
I guess I should get used to it.
Been here since Thursday evening. Been trying to make peace with Broward county ever since.
Seen Eddie a few times. It's been weird, but okay. He checks up on me constantly to make sure things are... okay. It's been nice.
I like having mom around. And I like not having to worry about things. I've finally found comfort in a place that once felt like a prison. Which makes me realize my situation in Gainesville is more like a prison than I've ever known.
I'm struggling in Gainesville. It's mostly money. It's a little bit emotional. I have these big dreams of being completely independent, but in reality I need to take a step back before I can even think about moving forward.
Here it is. Home. I once said I was never going to return. Now here I am pricing Uhauls.
I guess it's better to own up to my inability to support myself. I have the means to get back on my feet. I might as well take advantage. Beggers can't be choosers.
My grandmother used to say that, by the way. I've been thinking about her a lot. I used to live with her in this house, and when I didn't, I lived across the patio with my parents. That's what I get for living in a duplex.
I'm currently sleeping in her storeroom. All her stuff was moved in here after she died, and my aunt moved in. The other day I found a tiny box with my name on it "For Katrina". Inside was a charm of a Carousel pony. That's when it hit me. She's dead.
Now mind you, my grandmother died the summer I turned 15. I actually lost 3 grandparents that summer. Wasn't a swell time, but my entire life hasn't been a swell time.
I was living with her when she was dying. It was hard time. My mom and aunt were not taking it very well so I had to take charge.
When she finally died. Right in the room next to where I am right now, I was the one who found her. Laying there breathless in her bedroom. It was me who checked her pulse. Her breath. Sat down on the bed to close her eyes, and shut her mouth that had been gasping for air for the past 4 days. I couldn't cry... mom was in the living room, and I knew she wasn't going to take it well. Obviously she wasn't.
I was the one who had to walk out of the room and tell my mother HER mother was dead.
I was only fifteen years old.
Seriously the whole situation didn't hit me until just the other day.
I miss her. I miss things about this home. This city.
Haley and I went for a walk last night. It was the same path I used to walk our first lab, Shadow. I realized nothing about me was the same as when before I moved to Gainesville. Everything was differet except the size of my breasts. Those have been the same size since 5th grade, unfortunately.
So much shit runs through my mind while I'm here.
I guess I should get used to it.