First night of IOP
Tonight was my first night of IOP at the Southaven Parkwood. There were 11 people including the leader. There are other people in IOP also dealing with their moms. I didn't talk much, and wouldn't have done that if I hadn't been asked to. I am just really quiet when it is more than one on one and even then I still tend to shy away. I always think when people see me, especially the first time that they are thinking thoughts such as, "Oh my God she is gross, or ugly, fat." Some of that goes back to school growing up. Kids can be very cruel and not only that so can the teachers. Some kids really played me because I was shy and didn't say too much. They really like to ridicule and make up nicknames for me which I can't even type without feeling shame and embarassment. I can't hardly even tell people my maiden name for the remembering of shame I had in school. I NEVER tell my maiden name and avoid it at all costs. I just feel so much negative with that. If I were to ever see someone I went to school with in a clothing store or whatever I hide and avoid them. I don't want them to see how fat I got nor did I want to be teased anymore. I barely got out of high school because I didn't apply myself because there was too much ridiculing and I just wanted out of there. The shy kids are also ALWAYS underestimated, and thought of as special ed or just plain stupid. I don't know how many times they tried to put me in special educ. I always tested out of it and could pronounce these long words way past my grade level. I had a teacher in 1st grade at West Memphis Christian School in West Memphis, AR and she would get me out in the hall everyday and paddle me. She always just picked me out of the crowd and I think she got a thrill off of it. I hated school and am so thankful I am not back there again. I never bit my nails until I had that teacher either. I don't know why in the world I wrote about school but... anyway tonight at IOP another girl was also addicted to Nubain pain shots. I told her that was my drug-of-choice. I was getting them 2 to 3 times a week. I really wouldn't mind having one now but ya know?