Dee-vor-cay
This is me shouting into the void, because if I have more than two followers here, I'll be genuinely surprised. I just need to write this out of my body, and my keyboard seems like the most frictionless way to go about it.
On September the 14th, my husband asked me for a divorce.
- Effectively pulling the bottom out entirely from under my whole life:
It's not just my marriage gone. It's my job. My home. My dog. My summerhouse. And an immediate future I was really looking forward to.
A month and a half before, he had suggested that we sold our house, sold the business, and moved into our summerhouse full time. I was SO excited! I love that island with every fibre of my being, and had immersed myself in the local culture, getting to know as many people as I could.
I was so confused. I know that he's been stressed out of his mind, and I just couldn't understand why we couldn't give it a go. Just try? I figured, once we were out of the business, we'd have time to fix whatever was wrong in our relationship?
Turns out... no.
2,5 months into our breakup, I was confirmed in my suspicion that I am an unwilling participant in SUCH a cliché: He's fallen for someone else.
She was my friend. He was good friends with her husband. We were invited to her husband's 50th birthday this summer, where she gifted him a hunting safari to Africa this autumn. Guess what - pardon me - WHO she was doing while her husband was away?
She's been living in my house. Fucking MY husband in MY bed for at least 3 weeks. Then they moved in together in an apartment closer to his work.
Meanwhile, I've been homeless. I've been living on the good graces of a very kind father of a high school friend for the first 2 weeks, and then my mom, which was never a good idea, and very bad for my mental health.
He's just... moved on. He's happy. In love.
And I can't really be mad about it, or at least not surprised, because he's repeating so many patterns he also did with me when we first got together that it feels like I'm getting whiplash. Only difference was, as far as I know, my predecessor was kind enough to move out before he met me. Not so much this time.
I've moved back into the house now. It feels good to be home. Melancholy, and very quiet. I miss my dog. But good. I can organize and move out in a more thoughtful manner than my last exit.
I am obviously hurting. This whole thing has been a mess. And I keep getting slapped in the face with more information, more expenses, more disrespect. In some sort of circular logic, Sven is now mad at ME for finding out that HE'S been lying.
I don't understand why he had to lie at all. Except for the part where he figured it would probably be cheaper to divorce me if I didn't know. Which is true.
But at least it makes sense now. The reasons he was pulling out of free air and his fucking ass making it MY fault he wanted a divorce were just maddeningly unhelpful. I've suspected all along. It was both my first and second question. And he lied. And kept lying.
But life just keeps going. So I will, too. I have amazing friends who haven taken time out of their lives to be there for me, listen to me, help me in any way they can. I've been doing some schooling for the past 5 weeks to boost my resumé. I figure I'll hit the ground running once I'm done to find a new job.
I'm trying to rebuild a life, and figuring out what that looks like without the person I've been inadvertently centering for the past 15 years. I'm in therapy, trying to learn how not to fall into that trap again. Trying to figure out my new purpose. It was so easy (too easy) to just... hitch all my stars to his wagon. And now I feel like I'm free falling.
I'm questioning everything. It's such a mindfuck to know how a person thinks, and still feel like you don't know them at all. I am grieving the person I thought I knew. I know I will never see him again.
I'll be ok. It helps being back in my home, with time and the peace and quiet to feel all these horrid feelings I have to get through to get to the other side. I am trying to be kind to myself, do good things for myself. I am dealing with the things I can. The rest will take whatever time it takes.
I have a place to live soon. I will have a new job soon. And I will find myself again. Beyond this hellscape of grief and anger and hurt feelings.
On September the 14th, my husband asked me for a divorce.
- Effectively pulling the bottom out entirely from under my whole life:
It's not just my marriage gone. It's my job. My home. My dog. My summerhouse. And an immediate future I was really looking forward to.
A month and a half before, he had suggested that we sold our house, sold the business, and moved into our summerhouse full time. I was SO excited! I love that island with every fibre of my being, and had immersed myself in the local culture, getting to know as many people as I could.
I was so confused. I know that he's been stressed out of his mind, and I just couldn't understand why we couldn't give it a go. Just try? I figured, once we were out of the business, we'd have time to fix whatever was wrong in our relationship?
Turns out... no.
2,5 months into our breakup, I was confirmed in my suspicion that I am an unwilling participant in SUCH a cliché: He's fallen for someone else.
She was my friend. He was good friends with her husband. We were invited to her husband's 50th birthday this summer, where she gifted him a hunting safari to Africa this autumn. Guess what - pardon me - WHO she was doing while her husband was away?
She's been living in my house. Fucking MY husband in MY bed for at least 3 weeks. Then they moved in together in an apartment closer to his work.
Meanwhile, I've been homeless. I've been living on the good graces of a very kind father of a high school friend for the first 2 weeks, and then my mom, which was never a good idea, and very bad for my mental health.
He's just... moved on. He's happy. In love.
And I can't really be mad about it, or at least not surprised, because he's repeating so many patterns he also did with me when we first got together that it feels like I'm getting whiplash. Only difference was, as far as I know, my predecessor was kind enough to move out before he met me. Not so much this time.
I've moved back into the house now. It feels good to be home. Melancholy, and very quiet. I miss my dog. But good. I can organize and move out in a more thoughtful manner than my last exit.
I am obviously hurting. This whole thing has been a mess. And I keep getting slapped in the face with more information, more expenses, more disrespect. In some sort of circular logic, Sven is now mad at ME for finding out that HE'S been lying.
I don't understand why he had to lie at all. Except for the part where he figured it would probably be cheaper to divorce me if I didn't know. Which is true.
But at least it makes sense now. The reasons he was pulling out of free air and his fucking ass making it MY fault he wanted a divorce were just maddeningly unhelpful. I've suspected all along. It was both my first and second question. And he lied. And kept lying.
But life just keeps going. So I will, too. I have amazing friends who haven taken time out of their lives to be there for me, listen to me, help me in any way they can. I've been doing some schooling for the past 5 weeks to boost my resumé. I figure I'll hit the ground running once I'm done to find a new job.
I'm trying to rebuild a life, and figuring out what that looks like without the person I've been inadvertently centering for the past 15 years. I'm in therapy, trying to learn how not to fall into that trap again. Trying to figure out my new purpose. It was so easy (too easy) to just... hitch all my stars to his wagon. And now I feel like I'm free falling.
I'm questioning everything. It's such a mindfuck to know how a person thinks, and still feel like you don't know them at all. I am grieving the person I thought I knew. I know I will never see him again.
I'll be ok. It helps being back in my home, with time and the peace and quiet to feel all these horrid feelings I have to get through to get to the other side. I am trying to be kind to myself, do good things for myself. I am dealing with the things I can. The rest will take whatever time it takes.
I have a place to live soon. I will have a new job soon. And I will find myself again. Beyond this hellscape of grief and anger and hurt feelings.