Eugh!
I had a big, huge, realization today.
To set the scene, we were at my youngest niece's 18th birthday today. And I know that my brother's daughters consistently refer to my dad - their granddad - as kind of a creeper. I know he doesn't mean anything by it. I'm not sure they do. But anyway, being a product of my environment, which includes growing up with him as my father, I've never thought much of it, and thought they were kind of hyper-sensitive.
Enter Tumblr. And information. And conversation, words used to describe, ongoing discourse, eye-opening stories, statements, conclusions. And my nieblings still thinking their granddad is pushing their boundaries.
And today, I see what they mean. My dad is not a creeper. He is attempting to force an emotional intimacy that isn't there by forcing physical affection on someone. And it's super uncomfortable. He waved my beautiful, well-endowed, 20-year-old niece over, asked her to bow down so she could hear what he wanted to whisper in her ear, put his arm around her waist, told her she looked beautiful, and kissed her on the cheek. He does this because he thinks it's ok. Because he thinks it's appreciated. Because he's learned that women crave that kind of attention, even if it's from their creepy granddad.
And imagine if she told him she didn't appreciate that kind of attention? If she even refused to bow down? - Drama! Hurt feelings! How dare?! "I WAS JUST PAYING YOU A COMPLIMENT, LIKE, DAMN!"
Sound familiar? So she put up with it. Gave him a forced smile. Told him through her actions that it was ok. And it's so not ok.
I mentioned it to Sven, who still grapples with fully understanding my impotent rage on other feminist issues, but with this, he was all there: "He does that to me too!" he said. "He puts his arm around me and he locks it in place, and I don't know whether to smack him in the face or put up with it!" "I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but it's so unpleasant and so domineering!"
Yes, it is. And looking back, it's certainly placed me in enough stranger!danger situations where I put up with entirely inappropriate touching from other men, simply because my dad conditioned me to know that my body is not my own. Not out of any maliciousness. Not because my dad abused me, or that his "forced touching" was anything other than affectionate. My dad didn't abuse me. He just conditioned me to know that men have the right of disposal over my bodily autonomy. I know for a fact that's not what he set out to do. My dad certainly doesn't think he's a creeper. He thinks he's 'affectionate.' His only mistake is that he doesn't put in the hours to achieve that level of affection on a conversational and/or emotional plane before he dives right into the physical affection, like there's some kind of shortcut. There isn't.
And it drives me crazy that he's doing the same to my nieces!
To set the scene, we were at my youngest niece's 18th birthday today. And I know that my brother's daughters consistently refer to my dad - their granddad - as kind of a creeper. I know he doesn't mean anything by it. I'm not sure they do. But anyway, being a product of my environment, which includes growing up with him as my father, I've never thought much of it, and thought they were kind of hyper-sensitive.
Enter Tumblr. And information. And conversation, words used to describe, ongoing discourse, eye-opening stories, statements, conclusions. And my nieblings still thinking their granddad is pushing their boundaries.
And today, I see what they mean. My dad is not a creeper. He is attempting to force an emotional intimacy that isn't there by forcing physical affection on someone. And it's super uncomfortable. He waved my beautiful, well-endowed, 20-year-old niece over, asked her to bow down so she could hear what he wanted to whisper in her ear, put his arm around her waist, told her she looked beautiful, and kissed her on the cheek. He does this because he thinks it's ok. Because he thinks it's appreciated. Because he's learned that women crave that kind of attention, even if it's from their creepy granddad.
And imagine if she told him she didn't appreciate that kind of attention? If she even refused to bow down? - Drama! Hurt feelings! How dare?! "I WAS JUST PAYING YOU A COMPLIMENT, LIKE, DAMN!"
Sound familiar? So she put up with it. Gave him a forced smile. Told him through her actions that it was ok. And it's so not ok.
I mentioned it to Sven, who still grapples with fully understanding my impotent rage on other feminist issues, but with this, he was all there: "He does that to me too!" he said. "He puts his arm around me and he locks it in place, and I don't know whether to smack him in the face or put up with it!" "I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but it's so unpleasant and so domineering!"
Yes, it is. And looking back, it's certainly placed me in enough stranger!danger situations where I put up with entirely inappropriate touching from other men, simply because my dad conditioned me to know that my body is not my own. Not out of any maliciousness. Not because my dad abused me, or that his "forced touching" was anything other than affectionate. My dad didn't abuse me. He just conditioned me to know that men have the right of disposal over my bodily autonomy. I know for a fact that's not what he set out to do. My dad certainly doesn't think he's a creeper. He thinks he's 'affectionate.' His only mistake is that he doesn't put in the hours to achieve that level of affection on a conversational and/or emotional plane before he dives right into the physical affection, like there's some kind of shortcut. There isn't.
And it drives me crazy that he's doing the same to my nieces!