not dead again, as usual
How strange things are, where I am and why. I'm still not sure, at all, about being in Europe for the long term, even now that I'm a legal resident, after all that work to become so.
Tonight, after almost dying, the only ritual I practice on a regular basis, I tried to explain Wiccan beliefs to some very nice people here, who wanted to make sure I was okay afterwards - my partner is gone on a trip with friends - and I felt quite lonely, especially after the allergic attack from almond, which is something that those around you can only watch and not imagine. These emergencies happen once or twice a year and happen so fast that it barely ruins my day, even though it involves my throat swelling up and I've been told very seriously, many times that it could be fatal and I need to go to the ER - I almost never do, but usually I'm so cautious that I barely swallow anything.
This one was the worst in a few years. My throat started to seal off again and I had just fully swallowed a bite of cake with almond, instead of holding a little in my mouth for a minute as I normally do with uncertain foods; my body reacts fast. I trusted someone and had forgotten that the Belgians don't think of almond as nuts. The friend who made it told me there weren't any. It tasted strange, because I just don't know marzipan that well, but enough to ask him again specifically, with a guess, as the scratchy feeling of swelling started in my throat. Then I reacted in horror when he said yes, instinctively, forcing everyone's attention on me - I used to be embarassed by having to do this but it's necessary, they don't understand and I need their attention in those moments, in case I go into shock. I had to find a bathroom, with someone on hand to call an ambulance in case things got bad - which still isn't cheap here, by the way, or covered by insurance. I did get to a bathroom and forced myself to vomit, which happens later on my own, but this does work to get most of the allergen out. I didn't die but was very sick for the next hour or two, until my body got rid of the last traces of food in me (more spontaneous vomiting, I'm pleased to say, in the urine-scented train bathroom). The first time has to be self-induced and though I flirted with bulimia as a normal completely fucked up teenager, at least I realized then that I had to save that trick if I wanted to live. This accidental ritual always answers that question, parly because I know what this death would feel like and would rather not - although it isn't really so bad, just annoying if you survive; I was going unconscious the time it came close, very calm, everyone else was worried enough. But the medicines work. I like western medicine better than many people.
But I'm online now past three. I drank coffee late, to help the mild anaphylactic shock (which is kind of funny to say, yeah). And I've been feeling things from the past very deeply, tempted to contact people who I probably shouldn't. There's a lot of things I want to do, and drawing more again has gone into oil painting for the first time in a long while, and things are good, despite being totally alone. That's okay, actually.
Tonight, after almost dying, the only ritual I practice on a regular basis, I tried to explain Wiccan beliefs to some very nice people here, who wanted to make sure I was okay afterwards - my partner is gone on a trip with friends - and I felt quite lonely, especially after the allergic attack from almond, which is something that those around you can only watch and not imagine. These emergencies happen once or twice a year and happen so fast that it barely ruins my day, even though it involves my throat swelling up and I've been told very seriously, many times that it could be fatal and I need to go to the ER - I almost never do, but usually I'm so cautious that I barely swallow anything.
This one was the worst in a few years. My throat started to seal off again and I had just fully swallowed a bite of cake with almond, instead of holding a little in my mouth for a minute as I normally do with uncertain foods; my body reacts fast. I trusted someone and had forgotten that the Belgians don't think of almond as nuts. The friend who made it told me there weren't any. It tasted strange, because I just don't know marzipan that well, but enough to ask him again specifically, with a guess, as the scratchy feeling of swelling started in my throat. Then I reacted in horror when he said yes, instinctively, forcing everyone's attention on me - I used to be embarassed by having to do this but it's necessary, they don't understand and I need their attention in those moments, in case I go into shock. I had to find a bathroom, with someone on hand to call an ambulance in case things got bad - which still isn't cheap here, by the way, or covered by insurance. I did get to a bathroom and forced myself to vomit, which happens later on my own, but this does work to get most of the allergen out. I didn't die but was very sick for the next hour or two, until my body got rid of the last traces of food in me (more spontaneous vomiting, I'm pleased to say, in the urine-scented train bathroom). The first time has to be self-induced and though I flirted with bulimia as a normal completely fucked up teenager, at least I realized then that I had to save that trick if I wanted to live. This accidental ritual always answers that question, parly because I know what this death would feel like and would rather not - although it isn't really so bad, just annoying if you survive; I was going unconscious the time it came close, very calm, everyone else was worried enough. But the medicines work. I like western medicine better than many people.
But I'm online now past three. I drank coffee late, to help the mild anaphylactic shock (which is kind of funny to say, yeah). And I've been feeling things from the past very deeply, tempted to contact people who I probably shouldn't. There's a lot of things I want to do, and drawing more again has gone into oil painting for the first time in a long while, and things are good, despite being totally alone. That's okay, actually.