(no subject)
We had one of several talks in a series today that I shall name "What Kristina Wants from Life and How Eric Wants to FUCK That Up" because I get to be pissed off when he can't hear me. I want babies. And marriage. And happily ever after. Eric has this bullshit crap crap crap plan for his life. Doesn't want kids for 10-12 years. Doesn't need us to be together forever. and yes I realize that one is realistic, but for my sake lets remember I've never been very realistic, and even if I was, saying that we won't be together forever NOW makes me feel sad and crappy and whats-the-point-of-being-together-now-then-y. So I think, take kids off the table, and what do I want from him. I want him to want to be with me, looong term, maybe not forever forever but we could give it a shot. I don't think he's ready to think that way. How do I have this person that is so wonderful and giving and caring and loves me more than I ever thought anyone could and yet with a few little off the cuff remarks about the future I throw my hands in the air and start wailing that lifes not fair and he doesn't know what he wants and he'll change his mind (sooner rather than later obviously).
Then if I say I don't want kids, that makes me think of it more. Like well then, maybe I should move to Oregon to be closer to my family and all the cousins and nieces. And then I could live my dream through that and just be a fun aunt for the rest of my life. And I could do so many things with the money I wouldn't be spending on my kids.
Who am i fucking kidding. I want children so badly that sometimes late at night I think about I cant even tell you what because I just thought of how you would think of me if you knew I thought that and you would think I was despicable. WHich i am. SSSoooo. SHit. THats how i feel and what I feel and I so don't know what to say or do I just want to curl up into a little ball and dream for awhile about the perfect life. But then waking up might be such a drag. Unless he brings me a peach iced tea and a candy bar. WHich he frequently does.
Then if I say I don't want kids, that makes me think of it more. Like well then, maybe I should move to Oregon to be closer to my family and all the cousins and nieces. And then I could live my dream through that and just be a fun aunt for the rest of my life. And I could do so many things with the money I wouldn't be spending on my kids.
Who am i fucking kidding. I want children so badly that sometimes late at night I think about I cant even tell you what because I just thought of how you would think of me if you knew I thought that and you would think I was despicable. WHich i am. SSSoooo. SHit. THats how i feel and what I feel and I so don't know what to say or do I just want to curl up into a little ball and dream for awhile about the perfect life. But then waking up might be such a drag. Unless he brings me a peach iced tea and a candy bar. WHich he frequently does.