thoughts of the day
frustrated with myself.
hate being sick. knew it would happen. thankfully barely any bugging from downstairs. with the exception of " we're concerned about you" laughable. i mean, i almost giggled. that would have been a dealbreaker.
and my mom called. and i fucking can not stand talking to my mother 90% of the time. instant irritation. her fucking pathetic concerned 'i'm your mom' voice makes me want to stab something. and REALLY, a DOCTOR? who the fuck does she think i am. its like, does she not see how fake she is with me? like when she asks me ten times (no exaggeration) in one night if i would like soda or milk to drink. or when she calls me squirt. or tells me she'll get me a doctor. what the fuck is wrong with her???
and john. fucking john. why why why wasn't i smarter in ninth grade?
dont answer that. i know why. i did too much stupid shit that wasn't even stuff i enjoyed. i was awful.
anyway, john. he tried talking to me last night but i didn't feel up to it so i pretended i wasn't at my computer. but tonight, well, he never tries to talk twice in the same month, much less two nights in a row, so i thought, good. we'll have a real conversation.
and we sort of did. and i sort of want him to be talking to me, but i sort of don't.
he tells me how everything in his life is going great. hes moving in with ian, danny, and norris in january, hes dating amy, his band is going great, he's doing good in school. everything is basically perfect for him.
now heres my thoughts on him telling me this:
1. i told him i was happy for him because he deserves all the good things life has to offer. i meant this. as long as john and i have been besties i've wanted nothing more than for him to be eternally happy, every problem he had, i was there to listen to him talk through it, from the simple fixable things to the ones with no solution. and i wanted that. sometimes i still do. and you know, he wasn't bad at reciprocating. and we had good times, excellent times. because i loved him so much.
i've held on to the idea of him for about as long as i've been dating. he was the guy i could never have, the one that every other was measured against. he knew it. he never seemed to care. or something. i don't know why he never felt as good about us.
he trusted me, more than a lot of people, most people. we hung out when he felt like it, which wasn't often, but enough. he introduced me to all his musical projects with such enthusiasm. gosh i remember the garden. fuck that was amazing. i wish that i had made the most of those times.
2.i don't mean what i said. because why does he get to have everything without me. i think what i'm feeling is a terrible jealousy that i have no right to feel. i'm jealous because he doesn't need me in the way i think i need him
3. i still love him. but as many times as hes said it to me, i realise i shouldn't believe it, because he never made the time for us to be together like i thought we both wanted.
4. i want to believe that he was excited to tell me about all these good things going on in his life because he made me listen to so much of his whiny bullshit over the years. and he wanted to let me know that he was going to be okay. but part of me feels like he was bragging gloating. and he even qualified with an "i'm not trying to gloat" line, which means he knows its gloating because he can't help himself.
and then maybe he thought i was probably just as happy with whatever is going on in my life, because he hasn't talked to me more than once a month since i moved.
enough about john. i'm sick of talking about that like any of it matters.
but you just wrote about it for 15 minutes without stopping kristina. SHUTUP. lol
also, why does a guy think its cool that he takes naked glamour shots of whores? and then doesn't take a hint the fifth time i've turned him down for a date? don't they realise thats not an attractive hobby to women? or at least to me.
sidenote:
dreams of the past couple weeks, many vivid ones like ww3 starting in america and then everyone becoming cannibals and/or zombies all at once because of the radiation, and ripping limbs off others...
i also had a dream that taylor swift was dating david, but i wanted him and we fought over him and i won in the end and when he came back from firefighting we went to one of her concerts together to show how we were all still gonna be friends.
and i had a couple dreams about robert. that night in erica's driveway with his bike between us and he couldn't make a move and so i didn't and regretted it forever into eternity. wait... thats more like a memory.
no super steamy sex dreams. *sigh*
also, my dad thinks i should start planning a trip for my twenty first birthday now.... he suggested vegas which i am obviously so up for. i'm thinking of the people i know that are legal or will be before my bday... so i got sabrina, chris, jesse, sara... can't think of anyone else... and then of course i have to have a party with my brother and his friends since i will then be their booze source. :)
ahh i like this ending things on a positive note.
hate being sick. knew it would happen. thankfully barely any bugging from downstairs. with the exception of " we're concerned about you" laughable. i mean, i almost giggled. that would have been a dealbreaker.
and my mom called. and i fucking can not stand talking to my mother 90% of the time. instant irritation. her fucking pathetic concerned 'i'm your mom' voice makes me want to stab something. and REALLY, a DOCTOR? who the fuck does she think i am. its like, does she not see how fake she is with me? like when she asks me ten times (no exaggeration) in one night if i would like soda or milk to drink. or when she calls me squirt. or tells me she'll get me a doctor. what the fuck is wrong with her???
and john. fucking john. why why why wasn't i smarter in ninth grade?
dont answer that. i know why. i did too much stupid shit that wasn't even stuff i enjoyed. i was awful.
anyway, john. he tried talking to me last night but i didn't feel up to it so i pretended i wasn't at my computer. but tonight, well, he never tries to talk twice in the same month, much less two nights in a row, so i thought, good. we'll have a real conversation.
and we sort of did. and i sort of want him to be talking to me, but i sort of don't.
he tells me how everything in his life is going great. hes moving in with ian, danny, and norris in january, hes dating amy, his band is going great, he's doing good in school. everything is basically perfect for him.
now heres my thoughts on him telling me this:
1. i told him i was happy for him because he deserves all the good things life has to offer. i meant this. as long as john and i have been besties i've wanted nothing more than for him to be eternally happy, every problem he had, i was there to listen to him talk through it, from the simple fixable things to the ones with no solution. and i wanted that. sometimes i still do. and you know, he wasn't bad at reciprocating. and we had good times, excellent times. because i loved him so much.
i've held on to the idea of him for about as long as i've been dating. he was the guy i could never have, the one that every other was measured against. he knew it. he never seemed to care. or something. i don't know why he never felt as good about us.
he trusted me, more than a lot of people, most people. we hung out when he felt like it, which wasn't often, but enough. he introduced me to all his musical projects with such enthusiasm. gosh i remember the garden. fuck that was amazing. i wish that i had made the most of those times.
2.i don't mean what i said. because why does he get to have everything without me. i think what i'm feeling is a terrible jealousy that i have no right to feel. i'm jealous because he doesn't need me in the way i think i need him
3. i still love him. but as many times as hes said it to me, i realise i shouldn't believe it, because he never made the time for us to be together like i thought we both wanted.
4. i want to believe that he was excited to tell me about all these good things going on in his life because he made me listen to so much of his whiny bullshit over the years. and he wanted to let me know that he was going to be okay. but part of me feels like he was bragging gloating. and he even qualified with an "i'm not trying to gloat" line, which means he knows its gloating because he can't help himself.
and then maybe he thought i was probably just as happy with whatever is going on in my life, because he hasn't talked to me more than once a month since i moved.
enough about john. i'm sick of talking about that like any of it matters.
but you just wrote about it for 15 minutes without stopping kristina. SHUTUP. lol
also, why does a guy think its cool that he takes naked glamour shots of whores? and then doesn't take a hint the fifth time i've turned him down for a date? don't they realise thats not an attractive hobby to women? or at least to me.
sidenote:
dreams of the past couple weeks, many vivid ones like ww3 starting in america and then everyone becoming cannibals and/or zombies all at once because of the radiation, and ripping limbs off others...
i also had a dream that taylor swift was dating david, but i wanted him and we fought over him and i won in the end and when he came back from firefighting we went to one of her concerts together to show how we were all still gonna be friends.
and i had a couple dreams about robert. that night in erica's driveway with his bike between us and he couldn't make a move and so i didn't and regretted it forever into eternity. wait... thats more like a memory.
no super steamy sex dreams. *sigh*
also, my dad thinks i should start planning a trip for my twenty first birthday now.... he suggested vegas which i am obviously so up for. i'm thinking of the people i know that are legal or will be before my bday... so i got sabrina, chris, jesse, sara... can't think of anyone else... and then of course i have to have a party with my brother and his friends since i will then be their booze source. :)
ahh i like this ending things on a positive note.