opening up
at some point in the past few years i've felt very happy with myself, with who i am, where i was going, what path i was on.
i tend to think of myself as a happy person with occasional sadness rather than a sad person with occasional happiness. but lately i feel i'm questioning more and more what i want and who i am. i suppose this is completely natural and am sure that most people feel this way but i'm scaring myself. i'm worried that being in oregon with out anyone my own age, or practically anyone at all to validate me, my existence, what i do, how i feel, etc. that i'm losing a part of myself. i thought i could be self contained and not let this experience affect certain parts of me but i was definitely wrong.
another thing that is bugging me a lot is being facebook friends with people i was friends with in high school that i'm not really friends with anymore. i'm afraid that i'm still seeking approval and the occasional notice from the same people. Many of them people i gave up as friends because i felt that my relationships with them were one sided, that i craved them more than they craved me. That they brought more to this world and the group than i did. i don't really know if i was right. i feel angry and hurt, even now, knowing that they talk to people that hurt them deeply as if nothing had ever happened, but rarely talk to me, and if so, in such a casual and uninterested way. it makes me sad that a kind word, or let me be honest, any contact from them at all makes me smile and feel happy when i know they do not feel the same way.
i dont want to think that i am boring or uninteresting, or that something in me is deficient. i know that there can't be because you simply are who you are. but i worry that no one loves me. that no one hears me. that when i am not there no one is thinking about me. and that every friend that let me stop being a part of their life is another person that doesn't care, that didn't make the time for me.
even at the time i was friends with this particular group, i always found myself an outsider. even when they let me be included. i was never as pretty as the girls they dated, never as interesting or smart or musically talented. i didn't have something inside me that drew them to me the way they were drawn to others. i resent those people still and that makes me sad too. its not their fault.
maybe somewhere i went down a wrong path that didn't let me meet the right people or do the right things. i'm not saying i regret everything i did or didn't do. or even many of the things. because even when i didn't feel like i belonged, or accepted, i was at least grateful that i wasn't rejected entirely. that at least i was allowed to tag along on those adventures.
and the friends i have now i am constantly afraid of losing. i don't understand why most of them hang out with me. most of the time i feel like a tag along. someone to be tolerated.
maybe my priorities are wrong and maybe i want the wrong things from people.
i wrote a lot more than i intended too.
i tend to think of myself as a happy person with occasional sadness rather than a sad person with occasional happiness. but lately i feel i'm questioning more and more what i want and who i am. i suppose this is completely natural and am sure that most people feel this way but i'm scaring myself. i'm worried that being in oregon with out anyone my own age, or practically anyone at all to validate me, my existence, what i do, how i feel, etc. that i'm losing a part of myself. i thought i could be self contained and not let this experience affect certain parts of me but i was definitely wrong.
another thing that is bugging me a lot is being facebook friends with people i was friends with in high school that i'm not really friends with anymore. i'm afraid that i'm still seeking approval and the occasional notice from the same people. Many of them people i gave up as friends because i felt that my relationships with them were one sided, that i craved them more than they craved me. That they brought more to this world and the group than i did. i don't really know if i was right. i feel angry and hurt, even now, knowing that they talk to people that hurt them deeply as if nothing had ever happened, but rarely talk to me, and if so, in such a casual and uninterested way. it makes me sad that a kind word, or let me be honest, any contact from them at all makes me smile and feel happy when i know they do not feel the same way.
i dont want to think that i am boring or uninteresting, or that something in me is deficient. i know that there can't be because you simply are who you are. but i worry that no one loves me. that no one hears me. that when i am not there no one is thinking about me. and that every friend that let me stop being a part of their life is another person that doesn't care, that didn't make the time for me.
even at the time i was friends with this particular group, i always found myself an outsider. even when they let me be included. i was never as pretty as the girls they dated, never as interesting or smart or musically talented. i didn't have something inside me that drew them to me the way they were drawn to others. i resent those people still and that makes me sad too. its not their fault.
maybe somewhere i went down a wrong path that didn't let me meet the right people or do the right things. i'm not saying i regret everything i did or didn't do. or even many of the things. because even when i didn't feel like i belonged, or accepted, i was at least grateful that i wasn't rejected entirely. that at least i was allowed to tag along on those adventures.
and the friends i have now i am constantly afraid of losing. i don't understand why most of them hang out with me. most of the time i feel like a tag along. someone to be tolerated.
maybe my priorities are wrong and maybe i want the wrong things from people.
i wrote a lot more than i intended too.