(no subject)
... sometimes I feel like things just aren't ever going to get better
For once I actually feel like typing.
Life is just so lost for me... I still feel like I am walking and walking and walking but never the way I am really supposed to be going.
I am afraid Mitch has done so much to me ... that it will never be okay again. How do you come back from that? How can I ever just say ... hey its okay things will be fine even though you said you didn't want me, and you didn't love me ... hey its alright our whole marriage is a sham and you lied to me about everything. Thats okay I love you anyways things will be alright. I just ... I can't comprehend that. I still just don't know what I am doing. Suddenly Mitch is trying so hard ... I don't get how you go from saying everything in your marriage is a lie to saying you want this all to be perfect again works.
Mitch and I have just always been a mess. He has never been happy with me, so how can he suddenly want to change and be happy. I can see whats going to happen.
He is working hard to change, well for the moment its not even been 2 weeks, but anyways he is working so hard to change ... and I am so upset and detached that he is going to start feeling like our lives are empty and that he is unhappy in it again ... then he is going to go hop on brigette or someone. That sounds fun right?
The only way to aide in that not happeneing is have sex, and pretend things are working but ... I have just done that for the last 2 years so ... eh I don't think I owe him that much. In fact I owe him nothing. He does not deserve that fake smile ... or a blow job I hate giving ... he does not deserve a kiss I don't want to share. Our life will NEVER be what he had in his past relationships. Our lives will never be happy like that, never be passionate .... we will never be so in love with one another it makes the people around us sick ... its just not gonna happen. One thing our Marriage councilor said is ooh there will be a honey moon stage then things will set back in ... then as you resolve fights some more honey moon stages ... it could take a few months, it could take years.
Well, I have seen no break in being upset about this. In fact some days ... it just gets me all pissed off all over again. There has been no honeymoon period. In fact ... I hate when he touches me still. Even if he just wants to hold hands ... I wish he wouldn't. There is no head over heels again ... and I am afraid there will not be. He says he understands what he did to me ... but of course he really does not. He has never known what it feels like to hurt. He has never known what it feels like to be lied to ... he has NEVER known what its like to be told you are loved then turn and around and be told you are loathed. He has never heard the words Its an act, or I can't leave its selfish. He has never ... and I hope he will never. Then again ... I wish he would.
So how long untill something happens? 2 months, 6 months ... a year? Will it be when we go back to the states, will it be when he gets out of the military and no longer needs me? Or is it already happening under my nose. I wouldn't know it. But I know no matter when it happens. It hurts now. I don't know if I can get past this one.
So that leaves me standing what do I do? Where do I go ... how do I live? What about my son? What .... How just why?
I am so lost.
The rest of the world seems a bit down too. Anna has her world going insaine. As odd as it might sound. Sometimes I wish I was her. Her decision was already kinda made. She doesn't have to think ... should I leave him. He was never there ... even with the terrible things he did they were always seperate. It would be much harder if ... she had no roof or anything. I am glad for that at least. She deserves the world, instead she is handed shit sometimes ... life will be better one day
Kyle is just Kyle lol ... its fun talking to him ... I know I shouldn't its not helping the situation but at this point really what is it hurting. We aren't like talking how we are going to run away together lol ... We both have our own lives and our paths are not crossed ... if it gets to that point then it will but I am not counting on it.
I've not really talked with anyone else lately. Shelley ... but shes doing the same stuff diffrent day. She is my best freind, but shes also about 20 other peoples best freinds lol ... so shes busy and has a lot going on. I miss her a lot. This time for once. It was nice to just be around her. She just makes me happy. I remember in the past sometimes things were off... like the last few trips for me, Maybe it was ... just me. But I really enjoyed spending time with her this time. I got to see a lot into her world. Which ... her world is nuts haha. There are so many things I don't know about her ... and some of the things shes into there are no words ... its like a only if you know about it thing. But we got to talk a lot ... and ... I just saw how truely lucky I am to have her in my life. She has NO IDEA what it feels like to be me ... to be in my sitation and my postion. She does not understand what its like to be a mom ... and have relationships like a marriage but she knows how to be there, she knows how to listen and she knows how to heal. She is great.
gosh thats really it ... 3 freinds. One of which is my x ... and we talk about silly things like his work, and his guns and the flavor of the day :D ... oh well I would rather talk about that kind of stuff anyways. lol the other is my husbands x ... actually both of them are
Haha ... oh man I always forget about Mitch and Shelley. THAT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME LAUGH!
For once I actually feel like typing.
Life is just so lost for me... I still feel like I am walking and walking and walking but never the way I am really supposed to be going.
I am afraid Mitch has done so much to me ... that it will never be okay again. How do you come back from that? How can I ever just say ... hey its okay things will be fine even though you said you didn't want me, and you didn't love me ... hey its alright our whole marriage is a sham and you lied to me about everything. Thats okay I love you anyways things will be alright. I just ... I can't comprehend that. I still just don't know what I am doing. Suddenly Mitch is trying so hard ... I don't get how you go from saying everything in your marriage is a lie to saying you want this all to be perfect again works.
Mitch and I have just always been a mess. He has never been happy with me, so how can he suddenly want to change and be happy. I can see whats going to happen.
He is working hard to change, well for the moment its not even been 2 weeks, but anyways he is working so hard to change ... and I am so upset and detached that he is going to start feeling like our lives are empty and that he is unhappy in it again ... then he is going to go hop on brigette or someone. That sounds fun right?
The only way to aide in that not happeneing is have sex, and pretend things are working but ... I have just done that for the last 2 years so ... eh I don't think I owe him that much. In fact I owe him nothing. He does not deserve that fake smile ... or a blow job I hate giving ... he does not deserve a kiss I don't want to share. Our life will NEVER be what he had in his past relationships. Our lives will never be happy like that, never be passionate .... we will never be so in love with one another it makes the people around us sick ... its just not gonna happen. One thing our Marriage councilor said is ooh there will be a honey moon stage then things will set back in ... then as you resolve fights some more honey moon stages ... it could take a few months, it could take years.
Well, I have seen no break in being upset about this. In fact some days ... it just gets me all pissed off all over again. There has been no honeymoon period. In fact ... I hate when he touches me still. Even if he just wants to hold hands ... I wish he wouldn't. There is no head over heels again ... and I am afraid there will not be. He says he understands what he did to me ... but of course he really does not. He has never known what it feels like to hurt. He has never known what it feels like to be lied to ... he has NEVER known what its like to be told you are loved then turn and around and be told you are loathed. He has never heard the words Its an act, or I can't leave its selfish. He has never ... and I hope he will never. Then again ... I wish he would.
So how long untill something happens? 2 months, 6 months ... a year? Will it be when we go back to the states, will it be when he gets out of the military and no longer needs me? Or is it already happening under my nose. I wouldn't know it. But I know no matter when it happens. It hurts now. I don't know if I can get past this one.
So that leaves me standing what do I do? Where do I go ... how do I live? What about my son? What .... How just why?
I am so lost.
The rest of the world seems a bit down too. Anna has her world going insaine. As odd as it might sound. Sometimes I wish I was her. Her decision was already kinda made. She doesn't have to think ... should I leave him. He was never there ... even with the terrible things he did they were always seperate. It would be much harder if ... she had no roof or anything. I am glad for that at least. She deserves the world, instead she is handed shit sometimes ... life will be better one day
Kyle is just Kyle lol ... its fun talking to him ... I know I shouldn't its not helping the situation but at this point really what is it hurting. We aren't like talking how we are going to run away together lol ... We both have our own lives and our paths are not crossed ... if it gets to that point then it will but I am not counting on it.
I've not really talked with anyone else lately. Shelley ... but shes doing the same stuff diffrent day. She is my best freind, but shes also about 20 other peoples best freinds lol ... so shes busy and has a lot going on. I miss her a lot. This time for once. It was nice to just be around her. She just makes me happy. I remember in the past sometimes things were off... like the last few trips for me, Maybe it was ... just me. But I really enjoyed spending time with her this time. I got to see a lot into her world. Which ... her world is nuts haha. There are so many things I don't know about her ... and some of the things shes into there are no words ... its like a only if you know about it thing. But we got to talk a lot ... and ... I just saw how truely lucky I am to have her in my life. She has NO IDEA what it feels like to be me ... to be in my sitation and my postion. She does not understand what its like to be a mom ... and have relationships like a marriage but she knows how to be there, she knows how to listen and she knows how to heal. She is great.
gosh thats really it ... 3 freinds. One of which is my x ... and we talk about silly things like his work, and his guns and the flavor of the day :D ... oh well I would rather talk about that kind of stuff anyways. lol the other is my husbands x ... actually both of them are
Haha ... oh man I always forget about Mitch and Shelley. THAT NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME LAUGH!